Head in the clouds - Writers Forum

Head in the clouds · 06-10-2007, 04:33 PM

Category:Humour

Synopsis: Head in the clouds is the story of a 20 year old Subway worker girl named Ashley who has realised that she hasnt done anything with her life and that she has a hatred for the general public. Ashley spends the vast majority of her life day dreaming, however she does notice the flaws of everyone she meets.

The story is set in Glasgow in Scotland, some references may be missed due to this. Id be more than happy to explain anything that you are unsure of.

This is my first ever short story, however I am willing to listen to any criticism as I would like to learn from any mistakes I have made.

Head in the clouds

A short balding man with teeth that haven’t been brushed in days and dressed in a complete football strip approaches my counter after pushing his friend around and generally holding up the rest of the queue.

Me – “Welcome to Subway, Can I take your order?”

Customer - “All right doll, gee us one of your meatball mary-naras”

Doll? Do I look like I am made from plastic? Did you miss the part of my badge that says Ashley? And it’s Marinara you twit!

Me - “What type of bread would you like that on?”

Customer - “Eh….Whit you got like?”

Hmmm….what do I have? It couldn’t be the 5 different types of bread that are sitting
right in front of you, you know the ones that you pushed your shirtless mate into a minute ago!

Me - “Here is our selection of bread types”

Customer – “Eh….Dunno, Wits good?”

The little Italian across the road serves the most delicious spaghetti carbonara I’ve ever had or perhaps the tapas bar next to the train station that will send your taste buds on a magical discovery with every dish? You know where they sell real food and not this stuff that somehow doesn’t have a sell by date on the package! Dave recommends his mayonnaise however I don’t trust someone who has read fight club as many times as he has…lets leave it at that.

Somehow this isn’t how I imagined spending my Saturday afternoons, stuck in a boiling hot restaurant where species you thought were extinct crawl through the door and ask you the same questions there slimy looking greasy haired friend just asked.

What is so hard about reading a menu? Surly after there first visit to this place they would realise how it works. They tell me what type of bread they want, I ask what size and then what they would like on it. Its not rocket science and yet it seems to have 95% of our customer base completely stumped. It really makes you wonder how the world manages to operate when so many people lack the basic ability to order the fast food that makes up the vast majority of there diet. The word diet seems rather ironic in this case, don’t you think?

I’ve now been working here for two years, It was always supposed to be a part time job to support me while I was at Uni. Now its become my life, I’ve dropped out of my computing course, im single and I am now working forty mind numbing hours telling idiots like this guy how to ask for a sandwich. Is this really my life plan?

After work, I take a stroll down the narrow cobbled street past the window of the Italian restaurant I spoke of earlier. I couldn’t resist having a peak inside to see tables full of couples feeding one another and having the time of there lives. I realise I’ve not actually eaten anything in around 8 hours, I can get free Subway but id probably rather die. Perhaps one day I will find myself someone who will take me to restaurants and make me feel special.

I think I need to stop day dreaming so much, at least that’s what my mother always says. “You will need to get your head our the clouds Ashley”, I like to piss her off by telling her that I enjoy living in the clouds and one day I hope to have a pet cloud named Nimbus. In a strange way I like to freak her out, she gets really confused by the idea of a pet cloud, but to be honest I think it’s a wonderful Idea.

BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa……I was nearly killed by a maniacal Limo driver! I hurl abuse in his direction as his Pink stretched excuse for a mode of transport speeds off under the shabby looking bridge where the monsters I serve everyday are too scared to lurk. I calm down after five minutes and have a little chuckle to myself about the fluffy pink mutants in the back of his limo. I wonder if he hates his job as much as I do? Do we all hate our jobs, do we all have this deep down hatred for the general public? Do you think the idiotic customer from earlier on today probably finds the mutants from the limo attractive? Should I even have these thoughts, do these people give me a second thought?

All this thinking has got me hungry and sadly the £3.21 in my pocket isn’t enough to treat myself to anything edible. I hang my head in shame as I make my way by a sea of pastel striped jumpers and girls with fake tan that Dale Winton would be offended by! I walk under the golden arches of McDonalds with a feeling of regret, despite the fact I’ve not eaten anything yet. I already know that I will regret whatever grease filled monstrosity I choose to purchase, I think I can already feel a spot appear on my face from the very thought.

I snap out of my day dream to the sound of a rather dashing burger boy behind the till. I feel rather embarrassed as I stand admiring his dark green eyes. I learn from his badge that his name is John, I wonder if he noticed my badge. Do you think he would mind if I called him John?

John – “Welcome to Mcdonalds, what can I get you”

Where do I start John, a new job? A new life? A date perhaps? Can you make me feel wanted and special, do you also find the general public to be idiots?

Me – “eh……can I get…erm…”

I realise I don’t have a clue what I want, I begin to think back to Subway and realise im making a complete arse of myself. I start to wonder what John must be thinking….

*Its McDonalds, its not a hard decision! Its all crap, you don’t want to eat here. I don’t even want to be here! Just tell me what you want to order and let the next Neanderthal up to order some heart disease on a roll! *

I start to panic, do I seem like one of the mutants I rant about everyday? Am I as bad as the Sea of pastel colours I pushed through to get in here? Do I appear to have the IQ of the creatures under the shabby bridge?

John –“Can…I…”

Before he can finish I make a dash for the door, past the tables drenched in watered down coke and yesterdays mouldy chips. I burst out the doors and keep on running, I keep going till a pain in my side brings me to a halt while I gasp for air.

Is it possible that I am one of the people I hate? Is it possible that we all hate the general public and if so does that mean we hate ourselves? Are we all as bad as each other, do we all do something that affects someone else without actually knowing? This is getting far too confusing for me to comprehend.

Perhaps I should just keep my head in the clouds, it’s much nicer there.

Kion · 06-10-2007, 06:27 PM

I enjoyed reading this piece. The humor was set out well and it was easy to follow. The opening sentence did throw me off, it seems a little long. You seem to set out the speech like a script, I suggest you change it. I noticed couple of spelling mistakes but nothing major.

Quote:

Whoa……I was nearly killed by a maniacal Limo driver!

I disliked this line, I would say change it. Maybe something more like,
A manic limo driver gives me a second's warning before shotting past, almost killing me.

All in all I liked it, good work.

P.S. A pet cloud called nimbus, didn't I see that in an anime show about Dragonballs?

Head in the clouds · 06-11-2007, 12:49 PM

First of all id like to thank you for giving it a read and commenting back on it, I was rather nervous that it would get no feedback at all.

I’ve had a look at the opening paragraph and I can see what you are talking about, Ill get that fixed. It was added in at the end to try and give you an idea of where she worked and what was going on, however it is a bit long.

As for the the speech, how do you feel it should be set out? I feel the structure of my writing has always let me down so any advice in this area would really help me advance.

Oh and the cloud named nimbus, it is a dragonball Z reference I figured as a character she would be entertained by the thought of a pet cloud and that she would tell her mother about this to get a reaction from her. I’m glad you noticed that

If you can give me a hand with how I should lay out the speech in the story, ill get to work on a second draft. Does anyone else have comments they would like to add?

Thanks again for your kind words and helpful comments.

Head in the clouds · 06-11-2007, 02:13 PM

Sorry for the double post, ive made a few changes to the story. Let me know what you think.

HEAD IN THE CLOUDS
Ross Shearer

I wait impatiently as a short balding man dressed in a shabby football top and sporting a set of teeth that haven’t been brushed in day’s approaches my counter.

I recite my usual line of “Welcome to Subway, Can I take your order?” The customer opens his plaque filled mouth to say “All right doll, gee us one of your meatball mary-naras”

Doll? Do I look like I am made from plastic? Did you miss the part of my badge that says Ashley? And it’s Marinara you twit!

If only I could say what comes into my head! I asked “What type of bread would you like that on sir?” to which he replies with a face full of confusion “Eh….Whit you got
like?”

Hmmm….what do I have? It couldn’t be the 5 different types of bread that are sitting
right in front of you, you know the ones that you pushed your shirtless mate into a minute ago!

I draw him the sort of look normally reserved for murderers as I point to the bread stand and say “Here is our selection of bread types”

This was all getting a bit too complicated for this guy, I could see the cogs in his head slowly turning as he says “Eh….Dunno, Wits good?”

What's good? The little Italian across the road serves the most delicious spaghetti carbonara I’ve ever had or perhaps the tapas bar
next to the train station that will send your taste buds on a magical discovery with every dish? You know where they sell real food and not this stuff that somehow doesn’t have a sell by date on the package! Dave recommends his mayonnaise however I don’t trust someone who has read fight club as many times as he has…lets leave it at that.

Somehow this isn’t how I imagined spending my Saturday afternoons, stuck in a boiling hot restaurant where species you thought were extinct crawl through the door and ask you the same questions their slimy looking greasy haired friend just asked.

What is so hard about reading a menu? Surly after their first visit to this place they would realise how it works. They tell me what type of bread they want, I ask what size and then what they would like on it. Its not rocket science and yet it seems to have 95% of our customer base completely stumped. It really makes you wonder how the world manages to operate when so many people lack the basic ability to order the fast food that makes up the vast majority of their diet. The word diet seems rather ironic in this case, don’t you think?

I’ve now been working here for two years, It was always supposed to be a part time job to support me while I was at Uni. Now its become my life, I’ve dropped out of my computing course, im single and I am now working forty mind numbing hours telling idiots like this guy how to ask for a sandwich. Is this really my life plan?

After work, I take a stroll down the narrow cobbled street past the window of the Italian restaurant I spoke of earlier. I couldn’t resist having a peak inside to see tables full of couples feeding one another and having the time of their lives. I realise I’ve not actually eaten anything in around 8 hours, I can get free Subway but id probably rather die. Perhaps one day I will find myself someone who will take me to restaurants and make me feel special.

I think I need to stop day dreaming so much, at least that’s what my mother always says. “You will need to get your head our the clouds Ashley”, I like to piss her off by telling her that I enjoy living in the clouds and one day I hope to have a pet cloud named Nimbus. In a strange way I like to freak her out, she gets really confused by the idea of a pet cloud, but to be honest I think it’s a wonderful Idea.

BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With only a seconds warning I spring out of the way a maniacal Limo driver! I hurl abuse in his direction as his Pink stretched excuse for a mode of transport speeds off under the shabby looking bridge where the monsters I serve everyday are too scared to lurk. I calm down after five minutes and have a little chuckle to myself about the fluffy pink mutants in the back of his limo. I wonder if he hates his job as much as I do? Do we all hate our jobs, do we all have this deep down hatred for the general public? Do you think the idiotic customer from earlier on today probably finds the mutants from the limo attractive? Should I even have these thoughts, do these people give me a second thought?

All this thinking has got me hungry and sadly the £3.21 in my pocket isn’t enough to treat myself to anything edible. I hang my head in shame as I make my way by a sea of pastel striped jumpers and girls with fake tan that Dale Winton would be offended by! I walk under the golden arches of McDonalds with a feeling of regret, despite the fact I’ve not eaten anything yet. I already know that I will regret whatever grease filled monstrosity I choose to purchase, I think I can already feel a spot appear on my face from the very thought.

I snap out of my day dream to the sound of a rather dashing burger boy behind the till. I feel rather embarrassed as I stand admiring his dark green eyes. I learn from his badge that his name is John, I wonder if he noticed my badge. Do you think he would mind if I called him John?

As I try to adjust to the real world again I hear John say “Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get you”.

Where do I start John, a new job? A new life? A date perhaps? Can you make me feel wanted and special, do you also find the general public to be idiots?

I try to act cool and but all I can manage to blurt out is “eh……can I get…erm…”

I realise I don’t have a clue what I want, I begin to think back to Subway and realise im making a complete arse of myself. I start to wonder what John must be thinking….

*Its McDonalds, its not a hard decision! Its all crap, you don’t want to eat here. I don’t even want to be here!
Just tell me what you want to order and let the next Neanderthal up to order some heart disease on a roll! *

I start to panic, do I seem like one of the mutants I rant about everyday? Am I as bad as the Sea of pastel colours I pushed through to get in here? Do I appear to have the IQ of the creatures under the shabby bridge?

A rather confused looking John starts to say “Can…I…” but before he can finish I make a dash for the door, past the tables drenched in watered down coke and yesterdays mouldy chips. I burst out the doors and keep on running, I keep going till a pain in my side brings me to a halt while I gasp for air.

Is it possible that I am one of the people I hate? Is it possible that we all
hate the general public and if so does that mean we hate ourselves? Are we all as bad as each other, do we all do something that affects someone else without actually knowing? This is getting far too confusing for me to comprehend.

Perhaps I should just keep my head in the clouds, it’s much nicer there.

Xtlk 1 · 06-12-2007, 04:40 PM

I definitely like the revised version better.
Humor is very present and not a bad writing style.

The only suggestions I can make are on the commentary.
Day dreaming generally moves through relativity (ie: Tomato to Tomato Sauce to Pizza to Cheese).
I think you should just try to make it more relevant on how she gets from one thought to the other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Head in the Clouds

“Eh….Dunno, Wits good?”

What's good? How about the little Italian across the road that serves the most delicious spaghetti carbonara I’ve ever had or perhaps the tapas bar

See what I mean?

Head in the clouds · 06-12-2007, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xtlk 1

I definitely like the revised version better.
Humor is very present and not a bad writing style.

The only suggestions I can make are on the commentary.
Day dreaming generally moves through relativity (ie: Tomato to Tomato Sauce to Pizza to Cheese).
I think you should just try to make it more relevant on how she gets from one thought to the other.

See what I mean?

Thanks, the comments of Kion helped me to see that I was making the characters speech like a film script and not that of a short story. With the addition of a little description around each piece of text I feel its really helped that section.

You have made a very good point, Ill take another look at the story to try and make it flow more. That was one of the paragraphs, that while I was pleased at the content I did feel that it didn’t quite work, however I felt that it was too good to leave out.

Strangely enough I have actually managed to link between conversation and her day dreaming in other sections of the story, however it is something that I will make sure to fix and ill take it on board for any future writing.

Id again like to take this time to thank both you and Kion for helping me out here, Its really helping me see how little changes can make a massive difference. Sadly at my school I was stuck in an English class full of kids that didn’t want to learn and a teacher who had given up on them. I really do think that the little comments you guys are giving will help me progress.

I’m really starting to like this place

Xtlk 1 · 06-12-2007, 07:48 PM

Good!
Who better than a bunch of wanna-be writers to point out the mistakes of others.

And, of course, being in the same position as you we can really crit rather than just saying "No that sucks, do better."

Good luck in future writing.

Nono · 06-15-2007, 05:51 AM

I can tell you have vision im your mind the way you develop and describe your characters. It a real sign of writer's talent to be able to put in words your thoughts simply and directly----good piece

Head in the clouds · 06-17-2007, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nono

I can tell you have vision im your mind the way you develop and describe your characters. It a real sign of writer's talent to be able to put in words your thoughts simply and directly----good piece

Thanks for your very kind comments

I am really proud of this story, mainly down to the fact that its the first thing ive ever wrote for my own enjoyment. If there is anything you feel could be better, feel free to point it out.

DreadHead · 06-22-2007, 07:14 PM

great piece of writing ther. u directed me to it in my first post. im not rly a writer so no critisism apart from 1 thing. the dialect. its good but its missing something. throwing in a few 'doll's or 'gee's doesnt make it gr8 scottish. its good but you are missing a few more scottish words, i know this because im doing my best to type in good english lol.

example:
Customer - “All right doll, gee us one of your meatball mary-naras”

to me this would be: "uright doll, gee us one o yer meatbaw mary-naras"

i know its exactly the same but just a few slurrls like 'baw' instead of 'ball' but thats how it is. but then agai i suppose if you leave some of these out it makes it easier for the reader who may not understand scottish atall.

but main thing is- your writing is great=D