tmntele418

hey everyone, i'm a new writter. I figurered while i was learning the rules about writting i would focus more on short storys just to get used to writting and get a feel for it. This is the first thing i have writtten. It's not great, i know. But i would like some feedback or advice. thanks=]

It was three in the morning and I still couldn’t sleep. How can someone be so cruel? How can my own flesh and blood be capable of something so horrifying? These questions and others like them still bothered me today. It was a week after the incident, and I’d been getting about two hours of sleep a night.
The police had been questioning me, but I was almost positive they didn’t believe that I had helped my brother pull off the crime. First of all because I was so surprised he had done it in the first place. Second, what would have been in it for me? At that point I wasn’t sure if the questioning was over, I assumed it wasn’t; I was right.
I would be visiting him in jail the next day, and I was a bit worried. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen. I wasn’t even sure if I actually knew my brother, the real him. I always thought my real brother, the real Chris, was so friendly and couldn’t hurt a fly, but I was obviously wrong about that.
I fell asleep that night anxious about what would happen the next day, when I saw my brother for the first time since he had been put in jail. Would he be blunt and tell me everything? Would he say he was innocent and beg for forgiveness? In my mind it could’ve gone either way.

The next morning I ate some breakfast and started driving. It would take about thirty minutes to get to the jail. In the car I tried to relax by listening to jazz. However, that morning, even jazz couldn’t calm me down. I was nervous about what was about to happen. I didn’t know how it would turn out; all I knew was that I needed to talk to my brother.
A security guard brought me to a room with a table and two chairs. I sat down in one of them, and Chris was in the other. He looked horrible, he had a black eye, messy hair, and it looked like he hadn’t shaven for days. I looked him in the eyes and he returned my stare. Once the guard saw that I was seated he said “I’ll leave you two to catch up, 5 minutes.” As soon as he left the room Chris started talking.
“Ally, I’m sorry for causing so much trouble. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I had to do it.”
“You didn’t have to do anything!” I was so angry with him that I was not the least bit curious about his motive.
“Ally, calm down, you don’t understand. That guy, he was a creep he deserved what he got.”
“Oh really, and why is that? What did he do that was so bad that you had to kill him?” After I asked this Chris went silent for a moment. I wasn’t sure if what I said made him feel bad, or if he was thinking about how to answer my question, maybe both.
“Ally, he was the guy who killed dad, trust me on this one. He would brag about it to his friends at work everyday.” I was flabbergasted; I couldn’t speak so Chris went on. “I decided I would do a little research, at that time I had no idea how far into it I would get.” He paused to swallow. “So one day I was going through his desk at work, and I found a notebook. It had a hit list on it, Ally. All the people he was planning to kill were on that page, so I’m guessing he’s killed more than once.”
I still didn’t understand. “But Chris, why did you kill him, why didn’t you just turn him in?”
“Because ally,” he paused I guessed that he was trying to figure out the right words to explain what he was about to divulge. “Because you were next, you were circled in red! He had been watching you and he was ready to kill you. I went insane; I had to go after him. At the time it felt like the right thing to do.”
I couldn’t believe this. Someone had been watching me, planning to kill me and I had no idea. My brother Chris was probably going to go to death row because he was protecting me. “Chris, they have to let you off, did you tell them about the notebook?”
“Yes, I told them. But the thing is, ally, it doesn’t matter. I killed someone. It doesn’t matter why, and now I’m probably going to get killed.” I was crying by this time. “But that’s okay, because you’re saved. I saved you and that made it all worth it.”
After Chris said this two guards came in. The one that escorted me in said, “Okay, five minutes is up.” The other one took Chris and brought him away. I wanted to hug Chris more than anything but I knew I couldn’t.

By the time the guard brought me to the front door, I was a mess. I was bawling like a baby, and so many thoughts were going through my head. I said “thanks,” to the guard who brought me to the door. In reply he said “Have a nice day.”

On the drive home I thought about what Chris said. He did save me, and that’s because he loves me and he wants me to live my life. The life he won’t be able to live, because he killed that man and in return he will most likely be killed. But I’m not going to waste the death of my older brother. I’m going to live, live like he wanted me to. I’m going to do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do. I’ll live a good, happy life.

This was the turning point in my life, where I decided to live and I’m glad I did. That must have been about 55 years ago, when I was 25. Chris did get sentenced to death. He was killed two years after they found him guilty. But I lived a good long life because of him.
These were my last thoughts before I died peacefully in my bed.

speakerphone2

How could you not sleep? Were you just still awake, or were you tossing & turning? I'd love some showing instead of telling... maybe some description "The sheets of my bed were wrinkled and distressed, mirroring the thoughts in my head"....

Quote:

It was a week after the incident, and I’d been getting about two hours of sleep a night.

Quote:

The police had been questioning me, but I was almost positive they didn’t believe that I had helped my brother pull off the crime. First of all because I was so surprised he had done it in the first place. Second, what would have been in it for me?

The "first" & "secondly" thing is weird. Do you think like that? I don't know about you, but I don't really organize my thoughts like that. When's the last time you though to yourself, "Well, firstly I have to go to the grocery store, and secondly I have to go pick up drycleaning, and then thirdly, I have to go to the corner store for some icecream!"....See what I mean?

Quote:

At that point I wasn’t sure if the questioning was over, I assumed it wasn’t; I was right.

Quote:

I would be visiting him in jail the next day, and I was a bit worried. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen. I wasn’t even sure if I actually knew my brother, the real him. I always thought my real brother, the real Chris, was so friendly and couldn’t hurt a fly, but I was obviously wrong about that.

Too many wasn'ts & wases. There exist verbs beyond "to be"...

That's the first part, I'll come back to finish up later. Chomp on that

Voodoo

I can't even read the damned thing, mate. but i do see bad grammar. perhaps I'd like it better if I could read it without to adjust letter size.

tmntele418

thanks for the replys. i made the text bigger, sorry about that.

Voodoo

meh. not my style. i make my character's personal thoughts florid, yes. but not as if they were reading from a text book.

tmntele418

well, do you have any advice for me to make it sound less like my character is reading out of a textbook?

Voodoo

infuse some poetry into the dialogue/ monologue for style, or speak as if you were the character- you may have to be drunk to do this, mate.

wis3on3

A nice story, and nice idea. Just some things I picked out. Nothing much, I'm probably just being fussy...

You might want to change these two sentences. Try "These questions and others like them still bothered me a week after the incident. I could only get about two hours of sleep ech night." Something like that anyway.

couldn't you think of a better way to say that than "flabbergasted"? I'm not even sure if that's a real word.

Again being fussy...
The word "real" started to get a bit annoying.

There were some other things, but I have to get off the computer...

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Voodoo

If you're planning on telling a story, rather than showing, you'd better be careful. Its fucked my stories plenty of times... if you can pull it off, I'd call it a feat.