Charlie_Eleanor

Okay, I literally just wrote this, so I hope it isn't too trivial. However, I am anxious to see what some people think. I am Very open to suggestions on this since it is so new. Please let me know what you think. Thank you for your time!

It was before the great mountains erupted from the land’s surface, before the ocean’s waters came to play on the sandy shore, and before the sun and moon danced in the sky that they found one another. The darkness saw the light long before she noticed him. Quietly he treaded behind her until he could smell her warmth. It was intoxicating and beckoned to him in a way unfamiliar. Swiftly he attempted to envelope her in his arms, but she jumped away and turned to face him. Something about his soothing eyes persuaded her. Slowly she reached out her hand to touch his face, but it was at that moment that the darkness began to consume her. She did not care. The light loved him too much and allowed him to infiltrate her being. Gently he searched out the corners of her soul, and the land began to grow dim.

The beasts of the world watched in awe as the sky erupted in their love making. A sparrow, the Prince of the animal world, stood on the tallest branch and began to sing a dirge for the dying light. A single tear rolled down his beak and fell to the ground. It landed on the earth and began to moisten the soil. Slowly two figures began to form in the small puddle it had created. They were unlike any other animal; no fur grew from their white skin, they towered above the land on two legs, and they spoke with the strangest of sounds. The sparrow, seeing what his tear had created, spoke to the human’s in their own tongue;

“You are the keepers of the dark and the light. See how you have come into existence as the dark attempts to consume our mother, the light. It is your destiny; the struggle to keep them apart. Ne’er shall they consume one another or our world shall end. To you, woman, I give you this gift of magic. And to you, man, I give the strength to wield this great weapon.”

As quickly as he spoke the words a wind blew about the woman and she was given the powers of magic, and the man reached into the earth and rose holding a great sword.

“Now it is time for you to embark on life’s journey. There will be a day when you will fail, and the world will be consumed, but fear not, I will return. When the darkness overpowers the light I will show you the way to a new land where we can live in peace with one another. Farewell.”

The man and woman turned toward the horizon, and began their timeless battle of protecting the light.


Thanks Again.

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Paige Turner

I made what few grammatical corrections I saw, very few!
I also highlighted in red all the corrections, and a couple of times that you used the same word twice in a somewhat redundant manner. Maybe, in the first correction of the word 'began', you could simply say "slowly, two figures formed in ....". I think that would work just as well.
And where 'shall' is used twice, either one could be changed to 'will' without losing any impact.
I like the sense of adventure you create. I like thinking beyond your ending.
It's a pleasure to read what you write, and I'm thinking I might be getting a little too much into fantasy. AARRRGGGHHHHH!

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i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

nineteen

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i really like that. reads like somekind of surreal poem rather than a story. i'm afraid it's too hard for me to crit with my limeted critting skills, so i'll just say "well done".

could have borne more description to make it deeper, but i felt the sense of haste had somthing to do with the atmosphere.

you change you picture more often that i change my socks. oh that reminds me, it's been three weeks hasn't it?

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.