Voices Inside My Head ≈728 Words≈ - Writers Forum

RoundEye · 05-19-2007, 11:45 PM

By now it’s no secret to the literary world that I have just begun to open my writing eyes. Writing has opened up my mind’s eye to a whole nother dimension of the universe. It’s the same old place that I have awakened to almost fifteen thousand times before, but now I interpret it so much differently. The world was always so black and white before, no emotion or feel to it. Now it’s in color, a happier place to be and it feels so warm to the touch.

Something as simple as going outside to feed the cats in the morning, makes that little creative voice begin to talk. Standing on the front porch looking at the same old rock driveway, I begin to hear that gritty narrative voice like in one of those old detective movies. I’m standing there staring off into the distance and that narrative voice starts to mutter these words to me, “…as the groggy, half-dressed fellow gazes upon the winding gray rock driveway, he feels the morning breeze gently caress the hairs on his arm like the whisper of a baby’s breath.”.

The grass isn’t just green anymore, it’s the color of a leprechaun’s clover, and the weeds in the yard that need to be cut so badly are now “tall willowy weeds that dance in the breeze to the same music as the drunken bees that fly around like tiny black and golden fairies”.

That gritty voice in my head has a lot of company too.

There’s that echoing demonic voice that comes in with the striking force of a baseball bat. I wish that I hadn’t listened to this one so often in the past. I guess it’s his overpowering presence that makes me do the things that I know damn good and well shouldn’t be done. And let’s be honest, the excuse of “the devil made me do it” isn’t too viable when standing before a jury of your peers. That shit just don’t fly, unless you are five years old and your mother is wondering why you just tried to flush the cat down the toilet.

Every now and then I hear from that squeaky feminine mom voice that has me feeling sorry for all the evils in this world. The one that brings on such sorrow and despair for all the people less fortunate then I. She should hang around more often. But unfortunately she’s often bitch slapped right out of my head, by that macho voice yelling “shut the hell up woman!”. That’s probably the bastard that’s gotten me into the most trouble in life. Fighting over words that have been said and such nonsense as trying to save face. Yep, more cracked teeth and black eyes then I care to think about hanging around with that asshole.

And then there’s Boo Ray the clown, named after the card game Bourré. Like people say so often, he’s an E-Ticket ride. You better keep your arms and legs inside the roller coaster when he’s around, you never know what direction he’s going to head when he’s wound up and takes off. He’s my son’s favorite guy and a good friend of mine.

Let’s not forget about the stern and compassionate voice of dad. He’s the one that’ll make you hang your head in shame after realizing you just crossed the street without looking in both directions. While you don’t see him around much, he’s always there hiding in the shadows trying to make sure you walk the straight and narrow. He’s the one that when you fall off your bike and skin your knee, encourages you to get back on and ride like the wind. He’s the best.

Yep, the inside of my head is getting a little overcrowded. Maybe that’s why I often get such odd looks, it’s all the tiny arms and legs belonging to the voices sticking out of my ears. Some of them I could do without and others I wish would speak up more often.

I think when the gritty narrator speaks up I’m going to listen more. And while we are at it, let’s invite Boo Ray and Dad over for the party, it should make for some interesting conversation and really wild antics.

Let’s just hope that mom doesn’t peep in the door and try to quite us all down.

Chris Miller · 05-20-2007, 10:32 AM

Writing is indeed a heady trip. Sometimes. Really opens up the old emotional pathways. But sometimes it's just a blank screen and the realization I don't know shit.

I see you're finding your voice. Seem to have a good ear. I see you're in your mid-forties.

...try to quite us all down.
quiet

RoundEye · 05-20-2007, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Miller

.....I see you're in your mid-forties......

Close, I'm 41. I just thought that "almost fifteen thousand" would be easier to read then "fourteen thousand nine hundred and sixty five" 41 x 365 = 14965

I can but yet I can’t believe I missed “quiet”, that’s like running a long race only to trip and fall just feet from the finish line. Oh well, better luck next time.

Also can anybody define “voice” for me? Is that what your hear inside your head when you read a story?

All in all, I’m really happy with how this piece turned out.

Seems like daddy’s got his groove on.

Azmakna · 05-20-2007, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Miller

Writing is indeed a heady trip. Sometimes. Really opens up the old emotional pathways. But sometimes it's just a blank screen and the realization I don't know shit.

I see your finding you're voice. Seem to have a good ear. I see you're in your mid-forties.

...try to quite us all down.
quiet

i agree with Chris. you got it bad... well done!

RoundEye · 05-20-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

....you got it bad... well done!....

One of those times in life that being bad is a good thing.

Thanks

Foxee · 05-20-2007, 03:28 PM

Hey, RoundEye, I really enjoyed this. You've got a really engaging way with your writing...strange little metaphors and imagery that keeps me reading.
For instance I really liked:

Quote:

...it’s all the tiny arms and legs belonging to the voices sticking out of my ears.

It's offbeat and fun.

Now, when I read

Quote:

whole nother dimension

I thought an editor might ask you to change 'nother' to 'other'... but, personally, I think 'nother' sounds better in this voice. I'd just warn you that an editor will probably not agree.

I liked the descriptions of the different voices. I thought it was good that you started writing what one or two of the voices would sound like (although I think the 'gritty detective voice' could sound a bit grittier) and I'd like to see you practice that.

Either add more of that into this story a little more or simply write some paragraphs as said by those different voices as a separate exercise. Just to practice making them sound the way you've described. (It's pretty similar to what I tried to do in The Noise Machine) Can't hurt to play with it.

Yep, you've been bitten by the writing bug. May the muses have mercy on your soul.

RoundEye · 05-20-2007, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foxee

.....Now, when I read I thought an editor might ask you to change 'nother' to 'other'... but, personally, I think 'nother' sounds better in this voice. I'd just warn you that an editor will probably not agree.....

Funny little fact I found out when I was writing the story. I wasn't sure if the word "nother" was a word. I hear it and say it so much around here.

I found this on a web page while researching it,

Quote:

Where the "th" is replaced by dd (like a reversed Hispanic or Latin translation) It is found heavily used in areas that had a strong Euro-Spanish background, but are predominantly English speaking communities. For example in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Sentence starters:
"Nother thing ..."
"And nother thing is that.."
"Nother time I...."
"Nother way to go is..."

"whole nother time" (pronounced nuddah and is most effective when you stretch out the word "whole" and "time")

"I ain't gonna get no nother one of those, ever"
(It is a highly mindful statement to reinforce the sense of commitment to the decision. Most users of such language also know quite well how to speak properly and do so when required)

Thanks for the review, If I keep playing with words enough maybe one day I'll learn how to make a sentence out of them.

Foxee · 05-20-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Thanks for the review, If I keep playing with words enough maybe one day I'll learn how to make a sentence out of them. [IMG]images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif[/IMG]

Now that's just fishing for compliments! LOL Your sentences are great and you know it.

Okay, so 'nother' would be a colloquialisim. That might fly, it might not...depends on the piece and the editor.

That would be like me using "Younze" (a Pittsburgh abomination of "you uns"="you guys") or dropping the 'to be's' from all me sentences (something Pittsburghers do constantly...if Hamlet had been from Pittsburgh "To be or not to be" would have simply read, "or not".)

RoundEye · 05-20-2007, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foxee

....Okay, so 'nother' would be a colloquialisim. That might fly, it might not...depends on the piece and the editor......

I do see your point though, I need to think about the bigger picture sometimes when I write.

With some stories I need to consider a world wide audience verses writing a story for a local newspaper.

Either way, I’m a proud pappa and that’s my baby. It'll grow up one day to be a fine, young story.

Azmakna · 05-20-2007, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foxee

Now that's just fishing for compliments! LOL Your sentences are great and you know it.

Okay, so 'nother' would be a colloquialisim. That might fly, it might not...depends on the piece and the editor.

That would be like me using "Younze" (a Pittsburgh abomination of "you uns"="you guys") or dropping the 'to be's' from all me sentences (something Pittsburghers do constantly...if Hamlet had been from Pittsburgh "To be or not to be" would have simply read, "or not".)

ye, i agree with foxee on this one. 'nother' would be all right in dialogue but not in narrative.

RoundEye · 05-20-2007, 11:33 PM

Thanks for the pointers y'all. I think this one and my other story "a football field per second" are two stories that I'm going to concentrate on for a bit.

I''ll keep the pointers in mind and try to expand and rewrite them some more.

I just had to find my groove and y'all helped me find it.

Thanks a lot, I really do mean that too.

As a reward I'll let y'all honk Boo Ray's nose.

Chris Miller · 05-21-2007, 10:11 AM

Started reading Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh. I'd say anything goes in narrative.

Foxee · 05-21-2007, 10:45 AM

Have to agree there, Chris. I'm thinking of Mark Twain, too, and how he wrote Tom Sawer with that thickly accented narrative. Would only want to try that if I grew up with the accent and colloquialisims, though.

Azmakna · 05-21-2007, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoundEye

By now it’s no secret to the literary world that I have just begun to open my writing eyes. Writing has opened up my mind’s eye to a whole other dimension. It’s the same old place that I have awakened to fifteen thousand times before, but now I interpret it so much more differently. The world was always so black and white before, no emotion or feel to it. Now it’s in color, a happier place to be and it feels so warm to the touch.

Something as simple as going outside to feed the cats in the morning, makes that little creative voice begin to talk. Standing on the front porch looking at the same old rock driveway, I begin to hear that gritty narrative voice like one of those Mickey Spillane movies. I’m standing there staring off into the distance and that narrative voice starts to mutter these words to me, “…as the groggy, half-dressed man gazes upon the winding grey rock driveway, he feels the morning breeze gently caressing the hairs on his arm, like the whisper of a baby’s breath.”.

The grass isn’t just green anymore, it’s the color of a leprechaun’s clover, and the weeds in the yard that need to be cut so badly are now “tall willowy weeds that dance in the breeze to the same music as the drunken bees that fly around like tiny black and golden fairies”.

That gritty voice in my head has a lot of company too.

There’s that echoing demonic voice that comes in with the striking force of a baseball bat. I wish that I hadn’t listened to this one so often in the past. I guess it’s his overpowering presence that makes me do the things that I know damn well shouldn’t be done. And let’s be honest, the excuse of “the devil made me do it” isn’t too viable when standing before a jury of your peers. That shit just don’t fly, unless you are five years old and your mother is wondering why you just tried to flush the cat down the toilet.

Every now and then I hear from that feminine, mom's voice that has me feeling sorry for all the evils in this world. The one that brings on such sorrow and despair for all the people less fortunate than I. She should hang around more often. But unfortunately she’s often bitch slapped right out of my head, by that macho voice yelling “shut the hell up woman!”. That’s probably the bastard that’s gotten me into the most trouble in life, fighting over words that have been said and such nonsense as trying to save face. Yep, more cracked teeth and black eyes than I care to think about from hanging around with that asshole.

And then there’s Boo Ray the clown, named after the card game Bourré. Like people say so often, he’s an E-Ticket ride. You better keep your arms and legs inside the roller coaster when he’s around, you never know what direction he’s going to head when he’s wound up and takes off. He’s my son’s favorite guy and a good friend of mine.

Let’s not forget about the stern and compassionate voice of dad. He’s the one that’ll make you hang your head in shame after realizing you just crossed the street without looking in both directions. While you don’t see him around much, he’s always there hiding in the shadows trying to make sure you walk the straight and narrow. He’s the one that, when you fall off your bike and skin your knee, encourages you to get back on and ride like the wind. He’s the best.

Yep, the inside of my head is getting a little overcrowded. Maybe that’s why I often get such odd looks: it’s all the tiny arms and legs belonging to the voices sticking out of my ears. Some of them I could do without and others I wish would speak up more often.

I think when the gritty narrator speaks up I’m going to listen more. And while we are at it, let’s invite Boo Ray and Dad over for the party, it should make for some interesting conversation and really wild antics.

Let’s just hope that mom doesn’t peep in the door and try to quiet us all down.

i've taken the liberty of adjusting this a little. hope you don't mind

keep this voice!

RoundEye · 05-22-2007, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

i've taken the liberty of adjusting this a little. hope you don't mind

keep this voice!

No I don't mind a bit, thanks for the time and effort. I had to read it twice to find the changes you made, they were that subtle to me.

"Mickey Spillane" I could NOT for the life of me think of this man's name. Even tried to Google it, but couldn't find the right search criteria to get the results I wanted.