crankgear

Literally a FLASH writing. Done in 15 minutes. Just a quick thing!
I'm still hopping!
Hope you enjoy it a little! Critique very welcome but I'm not asking.


___________________________

Death was staring me in the face.
I wasn't sure if he could see me, but the tree he was behind certainly wasn't doing it's job.
I'd been watching him for a bit over an hour and a half.
Since then he'd moved from a hedge-line in the far corner of my backyard, had ground-hog crawled over a decent (and rather obvious) stretch of lawn, ducked behind my miniscule rose garden, then had dashed to his current hiding place.
Mind you: all this hustle and bustle had taken place over just shy of two hours.
This stealthy escapade I observed from the comfort of my modest sunroom.
Me, barely in my 60th year, had hardly expected to survey a covert operation on this morning and I certainly, in all my years, didn't expect it to be unfolding like this.
Taking another draw of orange juice, I wondered if this was the way he always went about things.
Earlier it was entertaining: I had to laugh when a flock of honking geese flew over and sent him barreling back toward the hedge, but not before he became entangled in his robe and went down like a sack of flour, head over heels. I then had to chuckle at his awkwardly preformed, panicked scramble back the way he'd came- but of course, not before he spent nearly thirty seconds juking back and forth in a fit of undecision on which direction to go to.
But now the show was dull, he was taking his time contemplating his next move (incomprehensibly strategic, no doubt).
Another sip of orange juice that had grown a tad lukewarm over the past hour.
I rubbed my eyes and upon finishing witnessed his obvious attempt to kneel down while remaining in profile with the tree.
I scooted to the edge of the chair, the preformance suddenly becoming interesting.
He began a frantic, almost primal, hand-before-knee crawl across the remaining fifteen feet inbetween the tree and my patio.
I could almost feel the realization washing over him as he discovered with an all-too-apparent horror that the only hiding that could be found was behind a potted fern.
Succumbed to a mind-numbing decision on whether to take refuge behind the fern or retreat the tree, he froze.
I could hear the gears (a bit rusty, I should assume) clinking.
As quick as I had yet to see him move he dove behind the fern.
Another draw from my orange juice cup told me I needed a refill and a quick glance at the clock told me work was due in thirty minutes.
This was growing a bit tedious, and I didn't see any imminent movement from the oaf.
I yawned and rose from my wicker chair.
Threw the bolt on the sunroom door.
Retreated to the living room.
And undoubtedly foiled fate.

sierra alpha

I really like this idea, and it did in fact make me laugh out loud. I think there is potential for a bit of tidying up, though. Some of your sentences are a bit long-winded and detract from the snappiness of the piece.

For example:


I would suggest rephrasing to something along the lines of:

"I then had to chuckle at his awkward, panicked scramble back the way he'd come - but not before he'd spent some thirty seconds juking back and forth in a fit of indecision as to which direction to take."


I'm not sure you need this, as you've already told us how long you've been watching him only a couple of lines before.


Is the lawn obvious? Or his progress across it? This doesn't quite make sense, I don't think...


Brilliant, I love this image. My only thought is that you repeat "but not before" in a couple of lines - maybe this first instance can be replaced with a simple "but"?


"the only hiding place to be found". Again, I love this image.


I'm not sure about the alliteration in this line, it sounds a bit awkward in my head. F is a tricky letter. Perhaps replace "foiled" with a synonym?

I'm not too sure about the ending, it seems to become a bit of a non-event. I was expecting him to get struck down in his tracks, so it's good that you thwarted my expectations, but I'm left feeling a bit empty... I mean, is it really that simple to dodge death? Maybe you should leave it a little more open at the end, maybe a suggestion of doubt. Or something.

Sorry to have pulled this apart so much - I did honestly really like it, which is why I'm keen to suggest ways that I think it could be improved. It's all just my opinion, though, so obviously it's up to you!

Good work.

__________________
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings.

crankgear

Thanks a lot for the critique, it's greatly appreciated.

I felt the ending could have been a little more 'eventful' as well, but I was only intending for this to be a quick little scheme, and if you think about the 'situation' - dodging fate by locking your sunroom door? I thought it was kinda funny. I'm surprised I didn't have more errors, complications, etc then that - as I literally wrote this in a little less than 20 minutes.

I'm glad you enjoyed it - thats what I was aiming for!