flash fiction(288 words) - Writers Forum

snorrie · 05-11-2007, 03:01 PM

Just a quick write. Enjoy. Comments welcome.

The smell of blood overwhelmed his senses, strong enough to make Bob nauseated when he strolled into the kitchen. He bolted for the sink. He was going to be sick, not just because of the stench, but from a note he had received at work, a threat on his family.

As a geneticist he had made quite a few enemies, from animal activists to Islamic fundamentalists who believed his work to be that of the devil. He was an infidel, a murderer, a meddler in the fragile balance of nature.

The house was dead quiet and the lights were off. As he leaned on the counter, moonlight spilled through the open window. He saw small handprints smeared on the counter and a butcher knife. Blood! His children, his wife!

Bob spewed the contents of his lunch, missing the sink, spaghetti and meat sauce on the floor, the counter, down the front of his shirt. He was suddenly dizzy. Staggering around the kitchen, he slipped and fell into a puddle, surely the blood of his family. He was about to loose his mind.

When they came in the kitchen, his wife flipped on the light. He was crying on the floor, balled into a fetal position, a thumb stuck in his mouth. Their children followed, laughing and giggling. They had frosting all over their clothes, even his wife. They froze at the sight of their father.

When he looked around, there was chocolate frosting everywhere, on the counters, the cabinets, on the floor beneath him. But the blood? On the floor next top the sink, he saw the bucket he had used to gut the deer he killed the day before.

Bob started laughing hysterically, tears streaming down his face.

Chris Miller · 05-11-2007, 03:56 PM

Doesn't work. The (unfortunate) deer is referenced too late.

Also needs editing:

nauseous = nauseated
fundamentalist = fundamentalists
quite = quiet

snorrie · 05-11-2007, 03:58 PM

Thanks, all wise one.

Trevor Miller · 05-11-2007, 05:26 PM

Hey snorrie,
In the first paragraph, you forgot the HE in "but from a note HE had recieved at work"

Besides that, not too many technical things. I liked the beginning (although a little rushed) but the end was not that great in my opinion. When the wife came in and the children were laughing, I was expecting a dramatic twist, not just blood from some deer. I think it would have a much greater effect if
Bob realized that there was no blood, that he had only mistaken it for the frosting, and then as he is looking away sees a bloody knife on the table, or somthing to that effect.

Or maybe as he is crying in joy, he notices a man creep out the door

At least that is what I was expecting somthing along those lines, a mystery/cliff hanger.

Just my opinion...
Trevor

P.S. I would like to ask a favor; would take a look at my story To reflect on a life again. I made some big changes that should clear some things up. Its a new thread;
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=78293

Thank you

Richie.S · 05-11-2007, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

The house was dead quiet and the lights were off. As he leaned on the counter, moonlight spilled through the open window. He saw small handprints smeared on the counter and a butcher knife. Blood! His children, his wife!

I feel the situation could be made more dramatic if the first sentence of this paragraph read "The house was dead quiet, the lights were off."
For some reason I want to read "and on a butcher's knife."

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

When they came in the kitchen, his wife flipped on the light.

"Flipped" feels to me to be a lighthearted word, perhaps this was intended, but for me changing this to "turned", in my mind, has a little more impact.

All in all I like the story, but as others have said the end doesn't quite hit the mark. I'm not sure that I would recover enough from that scenario to be laughing. Having said that you have said "hysterically", but in this instance it can be read in the positive sense of the word, thus denigrating, in my mind, the impact of the whole piece. A few extra words to get across the relief one would feel in this situation, I believe, would tune up the whole work.
Apart from that, it drew me in and I had to read the whole thing.
You also captured vomiting too well. Errr!

Rob · 05-12-2007, 06:41 AM

If he's the kind of guy who kills and guts deer, he wouldn't throw up at the smell of blood (in your opening).

The note, the threat to his family, is key to the sense of what's going on here. I would consider starting this when he's at work and receives the note. The note has to be more real, and more significant. It has to carry everything that follows, setting up his state of mind and his behaviour on entering his house. Also, you're spreading the threat too thinly when you say he's hated by everyone from animal activists to Islamic fundamentalists, making it sound vague and less threatening. Make the threat specific, choose one or the other to make it more real for the reader.

I would also make this strictly from the point of view of the guy. When his family enter the kitchen he's curled up in a ball on the floor. What would he experience? The light first, then the giggling, then awareness of who it is, then the frosting. Describe it as he would experience it.

Cheers,
Rob

Chris Miller · 05-12-2007, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Thanks, all wise one.

You are welcome little grasshopper.

I should have also said the prose was good, some nice description. Just the storyline didn't work for me.

snorrie · 05-12-2007, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Chris Miller
You are welcome little grasshopper.

I should have also said the prose was good, some nice description. Just the storyline didn't work for me.

Thanks again. I know it was a little weak but I'm trying to get myself to start writing more. I never have the time anymore before I'm interrupted by all my responsiblities--family, work, blah, blah blah... So hopefully I'll be able to adjust to shorter writing periods. And I'm sure everyone knows that you can't just sit down for an hour or so and come up with something decent. Time constraints. I hate them!

snorrie · 05-12-2007, 03:37 PM

Thanks guys, richie and treveor. I appreciate the comments. I agree with you. I know it needs work, but it's the best I could do with my time contraints. Damn things! I've been trying to jump start my motivation and I'm using this to perhaps do just that. I'll go back and try to redo it. Thanks again.

Richie.S · 05-12-2007, 06:11 PM

Snorrie - at the end of the day short/flash fiction is hard to nail down. That, for me, is why I like the challenge, it pushes the writer.
I challenge you to do something in exactly 200 words or less. Can you do it? Are you up to this?

Trevor Miller · 05-12-2007, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob

If he's the kind of guy who kills and guts deer, he wouldn't throw up at the smell of blood (in your opening).

It was not just the smell of the blood, but the idea that it was his families blood. That makes a big difference.

Hey snorrie, did you read my P.S. on my last post?
Quote
"P.S. I would like to ask a favor; would take a look at my story To reflect on a life again. I made some big changes that should clear some things up. Its a new thread;
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=78293 "

You don't have to, but you write well, and seem to have experience. I wanted to see if I have made it any better.

Thank you
Trevor