Rock Bottom - Writers Forum

kasesad · 05-08-2007, 07:49 PM

Bright lights, everywhere. Aaron tried to sit up and look around. What the... why couldn't he move his hands? He shut his eyes to ward off the searing pain in his head. He opened his eyes slowly so he didn't give himself an even bigger headache. He looked down to distinguish the reason he couldn't move his arms. His hands were bound to the side of his bed. A slow panic began to work its self up from his stomach. It became harder and harder for him to breath. Where was he?

He took deep breaths to calm himself down. He asked himself repeatedly what had happened the night before. The only thing he could remember was doing one last line of coke before he left his friends party. After that it was just blank. He tried to remember what had happened, but there was just nothing. Somewhere in the distance he heard a woman shout out as if she were in pain. Where was he?

He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Moments later he awoke with violent tremors throughout his whole body. He remembered, he remembered it all. Tears ran down his cheeks as he thought about his beloved Sara. He remembered how they had fought about his drug use. He remembered pushing her. He could hear the sound her head made as it hit the wall. How could he do that to her? It had to be the cocaine, he would never hurt her intentionally. He knew that. Bile rose in the back of his throat as he thought about it.

He wondered how his life had turned out like this. In high school he had been quarterback of the football team, class president, and a good guy. Fast forward 10 years, and drugs took precedent over everything in his life. He would do anything for a fix. Like right now, he needed a fix so bad his whole body hurt. He was cold all over. He made himself think about something else, anything else, besides his drugs. He though about his mom, and how disappointed she was of him. If only he could take it all back, take back everything he had ever done to hurt her.

His eyes closed as slowly he drifted off to sleep. His arms and legs twitched as though they were controlled by a puppet master. The pain in his body intensified as his need for a fix grew stronger. He slept to keep the intense hunger at bay. The door to the room he was in quietly opened. A young lady with blonde hair walked across the room. She stopped at his bed and looked down at him. She lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed it. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his brain he recognized the voice as that of his beloved. He opened his eyes to look at her but couldn't see anything but blackness. He could hear the words she was saying; "I will love you always, no matter what." He heard her sniffle her tears back. He opened his mouth to tell her that he loved her but no words would come out.

She sat with him as he drifted off to sleep. She sat there as he slept off and on for five days. On the fifth day she watched as his eyes opened and for the first time in years he seemed to fully register his surroundings. She smiled at him as she walked up to his bed. Tears ran down her cheeks as she leaned over and whispered in his ear; "I'm here for you, always" With that turned around and walked out of his room. Aaron watched her go, wondering if he had imagined her. The nurses came and went, and each time his door opened Aaron hoped it would be her. For three weeks he was kept in the hospital, and for three weeks he prayed that she would return to him. On the day he was released from the hospital one of the nurses handed him a letter from her.

Dear Aaron,
I was with you on the night you tried to kill yourself. The doctors tell me that you almost died of an overdose. I tried to stop you from doing that last line of coke, but you pushed me away. I left you there that night and you almost died. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you in the hospital by yourself. I forgive you for everything you have done to me, and I will love you always but I just can't take care of you anymore. You need to learn to take care of yourself. This is not good bye, I'll see you again. I can only hope that you take this experience and learn from it. Stay Clean, not for me, but for yourself.
Love Always Sara.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Aaron made one promise to himself that he knew he would keep. No more drugs. He promised this to himself, but he knew that it was really for her. He felt in his heart that one day they would meet again, fate would bring them together. He only hoped that he would be able to do as much for her as she had for him.

zoya_brar · 05-09-2007, 03:35 PM

This one hit me at a place very deep inside my heart, having loved someone who got swayed by drugs. It affected me to the extent that it left me in tears.

Well written.

TriCloudStar · 05-10-2007, 04:47 PM

Quote:

His hands were bound to the side of his bed.

Tell us how they were bound.

Quote:

A slow panic began to work its self up from his stomach.

And where does it go?

Quote:

He took deep breaths to calm himself down.

The bold is superfluous. Let us figure out why he's taking deep breaths.

Quote:

He asked himself repeatedly what had happened the night before.

Why repeatedly? This seems unnecessary.

Quote:

He tried to remember what had happened, but there was just nothing.

You are repeating yourself here.

Quote:

Moments later he awoke with violent tremors throughout his whole body.

Im assuming he was awoken by the violent tremors.

Quote:

He could hear the sound her head made as it hit the wall

This is strong! Describe the sound to us.

Quote:

Bile rose in the back of his throat as he thought about it.

You mean phlegm.

Quote:

In high school he had been quarterback of the football team, class president, and a good guy.

Nice details. Lose the good guy line, or come up with a better way to say it.

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Like right now, he needed a fix so bad his whole body hurt.

Weak statement. Cliche.

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He heard her sniffle her tears back.

You mean stifle.

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He opened his mouth to tell her that he loved her but no words would come out.

This is a strong character you are building here, but I believe his first response would be to tell her how sorry he was. Remorse can be a very powerful emotion.

Quote:

He felt in his heart that one day they would meet again, fate would bring them together.

The fate line isn't necessary, and it weakens the statement.

Quote:

He only hoped that he would be able to do as much for her as she had for

Strong finish.

There are some really strong lines here. Your character and stories are well displayed. In the future ask yourself "why?" everytime a character performs an action. This will help the reader understand and connect.

Don't repeat what you've already said. Limit your use of prepositional phrases, they only cloud your message.

Hope I helped!