Thoughts Of A Disturbed Mind (perhaps. 590 words) - Writers Forum

Richie.S · 05-05-2007, 05:25 PM

The time was now and this is why I decided to make an entry in a journal I’ve never had before.
It’s happened, something I never thought would, but it has.
There are people dying around me, my neighbours, my friends; they’re all dying.
The bible spoke of such things but I’m sure the bible never spoke of this apocalypse.
I don’t know what has happened but all the TV channels have gone off air; there is nothing on the radio, barring static. I have no idea what has gone on.
All I’m left with are the empty streets, no one walking up and down them, like they used to. Actually there is no-one. They’re dead.
Earlier today I left my house, just to see, and my personal dread was crystallised. I saw the dead bodies, the people, the animals, life, all ceased.
I wondered why I'm still here. Which entity wanted me to be alive to see this vista of horror? Of course I have no idea. Why should I be the only one to view this? These are just questions I have, all without an answer. I mean what can I do about this? No-one is going to tell me, that’s a fact. So what should I do?
I have no work anymore, my bosses are dead, I’m alone.
The Jones’s, next door, enjoyed shooting, and they’re dead.
As I leave my house and continuing to write in this note book I feel the need to enter my next doors neighbour’s house, just to see, of course.
They’re dead on the floor, I don’t know why, and I wonder what has happened.
The whole situation worries me. Everyone is dead and I’m not. How does that happen?
I walk through the front door of my neighbour’s house with no-one stopping me, even the birds have stopped chirping.
I cannot hear the cars on the interstate any longer, everything is quiet, soundless. No birds and no cars.
Am I right in believing the world has ended? I wonder why I am still alive; I wonder whether I am still alive.
These are my thoughts committed to a journal as I walk about a newly empty place, my next door neighbour’s house.
I find their guns, emissaries of death. However it does not explain what has happened, now, to them, or to me. But I pick up the gun all the same; it seems relevant in some way, appropriate even, and I look at it. It is loaded, waiting for commission. I look down its barrel and a kind of peace comes over me. Again I wonder what to do, holding this metal artwork in my hands.
I think about what has happened; I think about where I stand, I think about my new life which now excludes everyone else. I think about being with all those who I’ve known.
The gun I’ve found is loaded. All that it’ll take is a little squeeze and I could be with everyone, the people I’ve known and the people I’ve been with.
I take the gun and sit on the sidewalk. There is no-one around to tell me what to do, at last I can determine my life. I look at the gun and happily cock the trigger placing the barrel against my head.
I wonder whether I should be with the dead people or whether I should believe in an unknown future.
I decide that I should have four minutes to work out the answer and after that, the decision will be made.

Rob · 05-05-2007, 05:58 PM

Interesting idea, Richie. Not really strong enough to grab me, though. Nothing surprising about the ending.

One thing that weakens this story as written is that right from the 3rd and 4th sentences we know that everyone else is a goner. This is something that the narrator already knows by this point, and conveys to us, the readers. But the narrator would not have known this at the very beginning of this curious event. There would have been a sequence of events that resulted in the realisation that everyone else was gone, then the ending you have here. That's where the story should begin, I think, so that instead of the reader knowing on line 3 exactly where the story is going, take the reader through the narrator's discovery. Maybe first the TV is off or something, and the radio, and it's getting quiet outside, and then there's the discovery of dead people outside, neighbours and so on, attempts to phone people elsewhere ... and so on. This would create some intrigue and encourage the reader to follow the story through, and allow the reader to get what's happening from the description of events rather than having it boldly stated at the beginning. The story needs to go somewhere after the opening, and to do that you should reveal things gradually. So, consider making it about the narrator's discovery, and keep your ending.

I also think the narrator is too detached. I would suggest revising as above, and making the narrator more emotional during the discovery - even if the narrator grows cold and detached by the end. It will engage the reader more if the narrator, on experiencing these events, reacts like you or I would, at least initially.

Imagine this narrator is you. The TV just went off. Take it from there.

Cheers,
Rob

Richie.S · 05-05-2007, 06:45 PM

Bloody hell. A very deep analysis. Rob I thank you for that. It is few and far between that analysis's of this sort occur in my experience. But I thank you for it. This kind of critique is every thing a contributor to this forum always waits for. Hats off to you sir. You have said so much and have purveyed information I’ve never had before about a piece I’ve written. I thank you so much.
I will re-write the piece taking onboard everything you have said.
Thank you very much.

Richie.S · 05-09-2007, 07:27 PM

I've posted the updated piece as "The Diary of Today"
Let me know your thoughts on the new rendition in the new thread.
Cheers once again for your comments.