A Memoir - Writers Forum

c is 4 cyanide · 05-04-2007, 02:18 PM

I originally posted this on a different forum on this site, but this one seems more frquently read and this may be more appropriate here. Today I had a crazy day and decided to jot it down in the form of a memoir. I have the first bit written and would like some constructive critisizm before I continue on writing.

This day started out like any other, hearing my name screamed loud enough to wake me up at the early time of six-thirty, “Jamieee!” I rolled around in bed lazily, not wanting to wake up, it was a Friday after all, the end of senior year. When I finally managed to keep my eyes open for more than a second or two I got out of bed and started my usual morning routing. Get undressed from my pajamas to get redressed into somewhat clean school clothes, brush my teeth and hair, apply some make-up, and maybe grab a quick bite to eat. However, this routine was interrupted. I had just finished applying the first coat of thick, black mascara to my right eyelashes and was just about to put the brush to my left eye when my phone starts ringing, “I sit down when I pee…” (the ringtone that Luis had made specially for me). I ran out of the bathroom to grab the phone and it was Vanessa, calling to tell me that school was cancelled, someone had destroyed all of the buses as a senior prank. I was so excited, yet somewhat annoyed, I had just put all that effort into my appearance. Then I knew I would have to turn this day into something fun and crazy.
What happened from the time I got that phone call to when I met up with Nicole and Vanessa for a crazy afternoon is not to relevant to this memory, but I suppose I could some it up. I finished with my mascara and drove over to Luis’s house and spent the morning with him and then drove him to work. Went home for a short while and then drove to the center of town where an old restaurant had just re-opened in a slightly new location and was supposed to have a great new menu. This is where the fun really begins.

mammamaia · 05-04-2007, 05:31 PM

see my comments in the other thread... hugs, m

je33ie · 05-04-2007, 09:48 PM

Hi Cyanide, I really liked this and it's got me hooked. I'd love to know what you ended up doing with the Real Estate signs, so make sure you post the next part here too. The 'Sit down to pee' ringtone bit made me laugh out loud!!!

Now, you've asked for lots of feedback, so I'm going to edit your piece (don't be alarmed at all the changes though, you don't have to listen to any one them!). Bits in [] are what I'd recommend deleting. I've deleted the bits that aren't entirely relevant to the story and cut up your long sentences into short, tight ones.

Quote:

Originally Posted by c is 4 cyanide

This day started out like any other, hearing my name screamed loud enough to wake me up at [the early time of] six-thirty.

“Jamieee!”

I rolled around in bed lazily, not wanting to wake up. It was a Friday after all, and the end of senior year. When I finally managed to keep my eyes open for more than a second or two I got out of bed and started my usual morning routing: Get undressed from my pajamas, [to] get [re]dressed into somewhat clean school clothes, brush my teeth and hair, apply some make-up, and maybe grab a quick bite to eat. Today, however, this routine was interrupted.

I had just finished applying the first coat of thick, black mascara to my right eyelashes and was [just] about to put the brush to my left eye when my phone started ringing.

“I sit down when I pee…” (the ringtone that Luis had made specially for me). I ran out of the bathroom to grab the phone and it was Vanessa, calling to tell me that school was cancelled. Someone had destroyed all [of] the buses as a senior prank. I was so excited, yet somewhat annoyed, as I had just put all that effort into my appearance. It was then that I knew I would have to turn this day into something fun and crazy.

[What happened from the time I got that phone call to when I met up with Nicole and Vanessa for a crazy afternoon is not to relevant to this memory, but I suppose I could some it up.] I finished with my mascara and drove over to Luis’s house and spent the morning with him. I [and then] drove him to work [Went home for a short while] and then drove to the center of town where an old restaurant had just re-opened. It was in a slightly new location than before and was supposed to have a great new menu.

At the restaurant [This] is where the fun began [really begins].

c is 4 cyanide · 05-05-2007, 08:39 AM

Wow, you sure did alot of editing, thank you. I am working on finishing up the story now and will post it later.