Just the usual night out - Writers Forum

crazed scribe · 05-02-2007, 03:44 PM

HI
This is my short story and I'd appreciate it if you'd crit it please. Please take into account though it was created for a competition with the theme a night out. IT also had to be approx 500 words. Thanks.

Just the Usual Night Out

THUD. THUD. THUD. I could hear my pulse accelerate and my sleepiness leave me. At the same time I felt the predator within me awake; I was hungry. The weakness in my body and mind ebbed away in synch with the setting sun. Finally as the last glimpse of sun vanished from sight my powerful body and senses were once again entirely functional.
In a snarling, bestial fit of spasmodic energy I splintered the roof of my night time sanctuary. My keen, piercing mind was ruled by one emotion: the hunger for blood. I distorted my physical being into that of a bat (my preferred body for the beginning of a hunt). Now as I flew from the empty mortuary the hunt began…
The shadows were mine to command as I flitted around unseen by the small flock of prey below. I flew in the safety of the thick, deep, plentiful shadows. I landed in a thick evergreen tree and transformed back into my human like form.
Suddenly my ultra sensitive ears picked up a sound and I could tell there was someone about 15 metres approaching slowly. From the sound he was making I could tell he was a weary, thin, male who was about 5ft 8 tall. He would do as an appetizer.
He was doomed before I leapt from the tree. My fist severed his head from his neck as the head itself caved in around my knuckles with a satisfying crunch; before he even saw me. I hungrily lapped up the juicy, red, sweet blood pouring from his neck.
Before long there was no blood left in his body. I dumped the body in the tree I leapt from; ready for when I would pick it up and dump it in the mortuary.
I skitted from the trees; because their veiling aura gave me a great advantage (not that I needed it anymore). THUD. THUD. THUD. As the twilight hour struck I heard the dull noise of heavy, thick leather boots against the concrete path. Although unlike the last this man was a feast to be enjoyed! He was healthy; good!
I morphed again and flew to the target. Who could miss this chance? This man was fully alert as if constantly expecting attack. As he marched forward I threw myself like a javelin, aimed straight for his heart. His responsive ears alerted him to me before I hit my target. This gave him chance to roll away. I cursed under my breath. He brought out a stake and magnesium flare which burned my eyes and skin. He was a vampire slayer. He leapt with steak held forth. This was an uncharacteristically risky move. The panic was getting to him. I quickly pulled myself together as he leaped and with lightning reactions I ripped his heart form his chest with my talon like hands. I relished this meal and eat with great vigour. Just a usual night.

Lyonidus · 05-02-2007, 04:29 PM

Hey CS, i liked it, but at the same time i think it might be made better if i was kept in ignorance as to the person being a vampire for the majority of the story.

Also, i think the blood has to be described slightly more, i am sorry to criticise this story as i really did enjoy it but i also think the ending, not the last sentence as i loved that but the actual vampire slayer bit was bit too routine and forced, just my personal opinion, but apart from the above i really liked it and thought it was definitely a worthy entry into any competition.

Fictionfreak · 05-02-2007, 05:59 PM

I'm kind of half and half on this one, Crazed Scribe. The concept is good, it shows what a typical night for a Vampire might be like. And everything was from the Vampires Perspective. Which is kind of interesting.

However.

I did not care about the Vampire, and he did not have any human emotion. Even though Vampires aren't human, you need to give him emotions that the reader will care about. I didn't care about the Vampire, because he was a mindless killer. This is not the way to go for a monster story. Just look at Frankenstien for example, the book, not the movie, had a monster that was force to do irrational things because everyone hated him. Frankenstien was a character that the readers not only cared about, but felt bad for him.

That's just my two cents. Your story needs work, as does every writer's, but I have a feeling that you could turn this "ok" story into a better one.

PS if you have the time my story titled, "Endings" needs some reviews. The link is here, http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=77319.

Keep it up. Fictionfreak

crazed scribe · 05-03-2007, 01:54 PM

Thanks I understand where you're going and i'll do my best to incorporate it into future stories thanks both of you.

fictionfreak- yeah i know what you mean about the emotion but the mindless killer bit that was what I was aiming for. Maybe that's bad what I was aiming for so next time i'll try and change that bit.

ly-ok, i'll try and work on that.

Rob · 05-03-2007, 02:10 PM

Although you've met the brief by describing 'a night out' for this vampire guy, as a story there's little of interest going on. A vampire kills two people. That's it. I think it needs more happening, even within the 500 word limit, to make it a worthwhile read. More imagination. Maybe cut out the first killing and use the extra words to liven it up a little. The first paragraph is baggy and could also be cut some to give you back some words to work with. Vampire stories are ten-a-penny, and this one needs something more exciting or memorable going on.

Cheers,
Rob

Travmire · 05-03-2007, 04:35 PM

I'm going to do some editing to your story. I feel that it is too wordy at points and that is always a bad thing, especially when you're limited to so few.

Just the Usual Night Out

THUD. THUD. THUD. I could hear my pulse accelerate and feel the sleep leave me. The predator within me awoke. Weakness was ebbed away with the setting sun. I was hungry.
In a snarling, bestial fit of spasmodic energy I splintered the roof of my night time sanctuary. My keen, piercing mind was ruled by one emotion: hunger. I distorted my physical being into that of a bat. I flew from the empty mortuary and the hunt began…
The shadows were mine to command, and I flitted around unseen by the small flock of prey below. I landed in a thick evergreen tree and transformed back into my human like form.
My ears picked up the sound of someone approaching. He was a weary, thin, male--an appetizer.
The man was doomed before I leapt from the tree. My fist severed his head and the skull caved in around my knuckles with a satisfying crunch; he never saw me. I lapped up the juicy, red, sweet blood pouring from the neck.
Before long the body was empty.
I skitted from the trees. THUD. THUD. THUD. Twilight hour struck, and I heard the dull noise of heavy, thick leather boots against the concrete path. Unlike the last, this man was a feast to be enjoyed. He was healthy. (How so?)
I morphed again and flew to the target. Who could miss this chance? This man was fully alert as if constantly expecting attack. As he marched forward I threw myself like a javelin, aimed straight for his heart. He heard me and took the chance to roll away. I cursed under my breath. He brought out a stake and magnesium flare that burned my eyes. He was a vampire slayer. He leapt with steak held forth. This was a risky move. The panic was getting to him. I quickly pulled myself together as he leaped and with lightning reactions I ripped his heart form his chest with my talon like hands. I relished this meal and eat with great vigour. Just a usual night.

That sounds better to me and it says all the same things (except for the part of hiding the body in the tree until the vampire took him to the mortuary, that seemed to be useless information to me). You also repeat things too often, with both phrases and words. I tried to edit some of these things out, but I would suggest you go back through it yourself. Look at it like this: Do things need to be said twice? Probably not. If you think that you do, then perhaps instead of saying something weak twice, focus on saying something strong once. You should also avoid repeating words, especially in back-to-back sentences. That makes prose dull.

I think you should also try to rewrite the last paragraph. There is a lot of action here, but I didn't find it convincing or enthralling. I never felt that either character had anything at stake. There is also a long string of short sentences that could be changed.

Watch how you use adverbs too. If you have a strong verb, you don't need an adverb. If you need an adverb, you don't have a strong verb. One instance of this is the line "I hungrily lapped the blood..." saying, "I lapped the blood..." is direct and better.

Another suggestion, seeing as how this is about the night, I would consider ending the story at sunrise. That seems like the natural conclusion.

crazed scribe · 05-04-2007, 11:47 AM

ok thnx being to wordy is my problem and i'll take all your points into account. Thank-you for your opinion they really help.