To reflect on a life... - Writers Forum

Trevor Miller · 04-30-2007, 07:00 PM

(comments are greatly appreciated)

An old man sat in his chair, habitually rubbing the worn arm rests. Any normal person could clearly see that this man was in pain. Not physical pain, but the terrible mental anguish that takes hold of those who come to doubt. He did not fully understand this excruciating torture, but he knew his time was short.

It seemed all the contemplation he had ever spared himself was a drop of water to the river that flowed through him now. Questions among questions were thrown upon this burdened man, demanding answers. For the first time in his life, he wondered if he was right.

Looking up from his customary pose; head down, back hunched. The man searched for some sort of comfort, anything to help him understand. His eyes came to his watch. Warn and dull, it had the appearance of many uses but was now crumpled in the corner, left alone and forgotten. Opposite the watch was his bed; his solemn, cold bed which had known no other. So often had he gazed upon its crisp edges, the blankets snug across his mattress as a symbol of his orderly ways. The sight caught him off guard, for instead he saw an overturned mattress and a raging sea of blankets which threatened to swallow him up. He quickly turned his head and found himself gazing at the cracked mirror on his bare walls. Although his body moaned in protest, he got up and shuffled across the floor. The man noticed it was scattered with papers but he could not recall how his tidy stacks had come to find the ground. The man’s wandering footsteps finally came to a point in front of the mirror and he gasped at the unpleasant face that looked back at him. Angry eyes sat behind folds of skin. Crinkles and holes littered his face, outlining his stern features. Years of scowling had taken its toll. A permanent frown stood out for the entire world to see. This face displayed a disposition not meant for a friendly reply and indeed, the man cringed at it.

Suppressed memories erupted into his minds eye. All the people he had wronged. All the lies he had told for his own behalf. He had refused the helping hands and condemned all who asked of him. So many lives had been hurt by the actions he chose to take and only now after years of lying did he see himself for what he truly was. He realized that his life’s ambitions had all been for nothing.

The cry that escaped his wretched soul was enough to leave even the strongest hearts shattered. The man, to whom crying was so recently foreign, was now wailing in pain. The feelings that had festered so long finally burst and he was crushed beneath their weight. His vision was blurred by his tears as he stumbled aimlessly about the room.

hose plagued enough to witness such horrendous suffering would not understand it but would be broken by it. The last cry of a human being that has nothing left to live for, no hope, no dreams, no reason for their existence. There are few things in this world that compare to such torment.

The man had come upon his old chair, and he stopped. Silence enveloped the room just as suddenly as it had left. He slumped down to his chair, placed his tired head back on its old backrest and closed his bloodshot eyes. In a sound barely audible to human ears, he whispered, “If only I could have another chance…”

I think God and this man were the only ones that ever really knew the reasons why he lived his life the way he did but the image remains the same. The little old man would never have his second chance, as his words were followed closely by his death…And the world didn’t care in the slightest.

Trevor Miller

Please let me know what your opinions are, and be honest.

Trevor Miller · 04-30-2007, 08:50 PM

Please let me know what you think. I would really appreciate it.

Thank you for your time

Trevor

snorrie · 05-01-2007, 12:30 AM

Well, you really need to start critiquing others work. That's the best way to get a response.

snorrie · 05-01-2007, 12:54 AM

The piece needs a bit of work. I made a few comments because I didn't want to seem like I'm just bashing the hell out of your piece. I had to read through it a couple times and it got more purple the second time around. the hook could have been better, but at least there was a hook. I think it dragged because of the torment you were trying to inject into the piece. I found it to be quite wordy as well. But keep writing. You can't get better unless you keep experimenting with your prose.

Quote:

An old man sat in his chair, habitually rubbing the worn arm rests.

I don't like this opening line. It is a creative issue but it doesn't work for me. Habitually doesn't fit.

Quote:

Any normal person could clearly see that this man was in pain. Not physical pain, but the terrible mental anguish that takes hold of those who come to doubt.

Don't tell the reader that he's inpain, show the reader--his movements, facial expressions, moaning. What's this mean--the highlighted?

Quote:

It seemed all the contemplation he had ever spared himself was a drop of water to the river that flowed through him now.

Watch it. This is headed into purple prose territory.

Quote:

For the first time in his life, he wondered if he was right.

How does this fit if he doesn't understand?

Quote:

Looking up from his customary pose; head down, back hunched.

This image is contradicting--looking up with his head down

Trevor Miller · 05-01-2007, 04:13 PM

Thanks for the reply snorrie. When you critique others work, why does that help you to get reviews? Most people won't return the favor unless asked. (sorry, I'm new to this forum)

Im sorry you didn't like it very much (or at least I got that impression) I am going to edit it after I get some more reviews. I hope in the future you will look more at what a writers work is trying to say. Sure, technical information is a must, but if thats all that matters, then why do we write in the first place?

Thank you,
Trevor

fowldarr · 05-01-2007, 04:32 PM

Well Trevor, I think what Snorrie is saying is that if you critique work, others will return the favor, seems like a fair trade to me, I'm also new to the forum though so I'll see if I can help you out.

I don't think that snorrie was just bashing your story, but she had some good points, everybody doubts at some point, without experiencing the anguish this guy is going through, so what does that line mean?

When describing his watch did you mean 'worn'? instead of warn?

I guess my real issue is sticking with the character, he seems to contradict himself...

He has never questioned whether he is right, but he has wronged so many people...He would have to be some kind of sociopath to not question such actions. There is not enough description of his surroundings, we know there is a bed a mirror, papers and a chair, but is it dark, light, what do the walls look like, how does it smell, hint: a dying old man has a very distinct smell, good luck describing it. All in all, it's a good start, and I hope that you take your critiques for what they are, somebody elses opinion about your work, and apply them and try to learn from them, there is no need to get defensive. Just have fun with it.

fowldarr · 05-01-2007, 04:34 PM

That being said, I have a short story on here you could go critique to return the favor....

Trevor Miller · 05-01-2007, 04:46 PM

Thanks for the advice fowldarr. I realize that she was just trying to help me, and I am not getting defencive. It just seems that many people read and write for the wrong reasons.

I think you gave me good advice, but you didn't really say whether you liked it or not. Just stated some problems. When it comes to him questioning for the first time if he is right, I mean to say that he didn't have an open mind untill now. All the times he wronged somebody etc. seemed to him the "right" thing to do in order to help himself, and now he realizes what he has become. I meant for this story to state a point, not tell about this man. That is why I did not name him.

Thank you for your time and opinion,
Trevor

P.S. I will return the favor

Rob · 05-01-2007, 04:50 PM

Trevor, biggest problem for me is that nothing happened. Some nameless guy in some nameless place reflects on a life that we never got to know about, and died. It's not a story.

Cheers,
Rob

fowldarr · 05-01-2007, 04:52 PM

I told you I thought that I thought it was a good start. Maybe you should say that he never questioned his actions before instead of talking about "right" some people don't question their actions even when they know they are not right. I think that your point is still a little hidden deep inside the story somewhere. Keep working on it. It's almost there.

snorrie · 05-01-2007, 05:03 PM

Well, Trevor, it starts with the mechancis and that's where I'm still at. Everyone has wild imaginations but unless a writer can put it coherently down on paper, it is not effective. I'll give you the same analogy I gave another person. Let's say you have a delicious chocolate-filled center in a piece of candy. That's great, yum, yum. But let's also say that the outside of that delcious morsel is coated in doggie doodie-the technical part. Who the hell is going to find out the center is delicious if they can't get past the outer shell. They'll throw it on the ground and never think of it again. Writing is the same way. You need to keep the reader's attention all the way through to get to the end, but if the technical writing lacks, then the reader or the agent or publisher will immediately discard the piece, so your awesome idea will never be heard. I hope this helps.

Short Tooth · 05-02-2007, 06:39 AM

Sorry Trev, I only saw this post after I replied to your other one, I'll post the comment here.

Unlike the others, I said;

Quote:

Man this was beautiful. I really enjoyed it, but two things.

First, this is just a matter of preference. Halfway through I thought he was gonna be a good guy,y'know, just now he's lost his wife, kids, job and feels of no worth. Seemed you were taking that direction. But it's cool, you made him somewhat of a crook.

My sympathy that you had gotten for him kinda vanishd a litle when I found out he was a liar and cheat, but maybe that was your intention.

Finally, the last paragraph, I didn't think you needed it, or the line 'If only I had one more chance'. It's a little cliche and obvious. Much more affective to have him return to the chair after his sobbing and reflect silently on his mistakes.

But I thought this was really well written,no bad sentence structure, and for one of your first posts bravo. Think we got a talent here.

Loulou · 05-02-2007, 07:00 AM

Tervor, I think you write very well. But for all your description I felt nothing for this man. The whole piece left me cold.

An old man sat in his chair, habitually rubbing the worn arm rests.

I agree with snorrie about the use of the word habitually. It's not quite right in this sentence.

Suppressed memories erupted into his minds eye. All the people he had wronged. All the lies he had told for his own behalf. He had refused the helping hands and condemned all who asked of him. So many lives had been hurt by the actions he chose to take and only now after years of lying did he see himself for what he truly was. He realized that his life’s ambitions had all been for nothing.

What were these wrongs? You're telling me about them but show me. What were his life's ambitions? Show me by flashback or scene or thought. You'll make the character more real if you do so. At the moment, for me, he isn't real. He's cardboard. Bring him to life for me.

The last cry of a human being that has nothing left to live for, no hope, no dreams, no reason for their existence. There are few things in this world that compare to such torment.

This is too cliched. And again how can I feel the torment when I don't know what it is he is really tormented by? What is it that has happened exactly?

And the world didn’t care in the slightest.

The neither will the reader. As I said to start with Trevor, you can write, there's no denying that but you need to make this man real, not just a cliche. Let me judge how awful life has been for him. Don't tell me that it has - show me how, why.

Azmakna · 05-02-2007, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trevor Miller

(comments are greatly appreciated)

An old man sat in his chair, habitually rubbing the worn arm rests. Any normal person could clearly see that this man was in pain. Not physical pain, but the terrible mental anguish that takes hold of those who come to doubt. He did not fully understand this excruciating torture, but he knew his time was short.

don't tell, show! torture is inherently excruciating.

It seemed all the contemplation he had ever spared himself was a drop of water to the river that flowed through him now. Questions among questions were thrown upon this burdened man, demanding answers. For the first time in his life, he wondered if he was right.

are we meant to doubt what he's feeling? this sentence is awkward and places the reasons for his pain 'outside' and not 'within' the character.

Looking up from his customary pose; head down, back hunched. The man searched for some sort of comfort, anything to help him understand. His eyes came to his watch. Warn and dull, it had the appearance of many uses but was now crumpled in the corner, left alone and forgotten. Opposite the watch was his bed(; not a full sentence here. use either a dash or a colon) his solemn, cold bed which had known no other. So often had he gazed upon its crisp edges, the blankets snug across his mattress as a symbol of his orderly ways. The sight caught him off guard, for instead he saw an overturned mattress and a raging sea of blankets which threatened to swallow him up.He quickly turned his head and found himself gazing at the cracked mirror on his bare walls. Although his body moaned in protest, he got up and shuffled across the floor. The man noticed it was scattered with papers but he could not recall how his tidy stacks had come to find the ground. The man’s wandering footsteps finally came to a point in front of the mirror and he gasped at the unpleasant face that looked back at him. Angry eyes sat behind folds of skin. Crinkles and holes littered his face, outlining his stern features. Years of scowling had taken its toll. A permanent frown stood out for the entire world to see. This face displayed a disposition not meant for a friendly reply and indeed, the man cringed at it.

broken sentence! replace the full stop with a comma. passive. make it active: he looked at his watch (so much simpler) only the appearance? and what are the other uses? is it the swiss army knife of the watch world? that's one messed up bed! rethink. why quickly? found himself gazing is passive and awkward. 'moaned' creates a sense of sound and that's not what you mean. rethink this sentence. was he drunk? incorrect imagery

Suppressed memories erupted into his minds eye. All the people he had wronged. All the lies he had told for his own behalf. He had refused the helping hands and condemned all who asked of him. So many lives had been hurt by the actions he chose to take and only now after years of lying did he see himself for what he truly was. He realized that his life’s ambitions had all been for nothing.

suppressed/erupted/minds eye. rework this sentence, especially erupted. lose 'truly'

The cry that escaped his wretched soul was enough to leave even the strongest hearts shattered. The man, to whom crying was so recently foreign, was now wailing in pain. The feelings that had festered so long finally burst and he was crushed beneath their weight. His vision was blurred by his tears as he stumbled aimlessly about the room.

passive... and why scattered? 'was foreign' is enough. avoid words that add nothing to a scene.

hose plagued enough to witness such horrendous suffering would not understand it but would be broken by it. The last cry of a human being that has nothing left to live for, no hope, no dreams, no reason for their existence. There are few things in this world that compare to such torment.

suffering is horrendous.

The man had come upon his old chair, and he stopped. Silence enveloped the room just as suddenly as it had left. He slumped down to his chair, placed his tired head back on its old backrest and closed his bloodshot eyes. In a sound barely audible to human ears, he whispered, “If only I could have another chance…”

passive. think... do i need this adjective? what does this add to the sentence?

I think God and this man were the only ones that ever really knew the reasons why he lived his life the way he did, but the image remains the same. The little old man would never have his second chance, as his words were followed closely by his death…And the world didn’t care in the slightest.

does the reader care?

Trevor Miller

Please let me know what your opinions are, and be honest.

please give your opinions... and be honest. passive.

a nice idea but not fully realised. you must take care to avoid constantly using a passive voice. the passive voice is useful in certain cases but it rapidly loses its impact if its overused. when you write ask yourself: 'is this word necessary?' or 'does it add anything to the story?'

Trevor Miller · 05-02-2007, 05:46 PM

Thank you to everybody who has replied.

First of all, I didn't realize how much you guys like to beat up others work (except for loulou and short tooth). I used to go to a different forum and they were much nicer. Anyways, its not a big deal, I appreciate the critisism. (is this forum tipically adults, because I am 15, I don't say this to boast, only to find out what this websites all about)

I think there has been many good points made about my work, and I will think about them, and post an edit. I have numerous things I would like to change. I realize that almost every person who has posted a reply has stated that my work as passive, not very deep etc. I originally wrote this in order to teach a lesson, (that is why I did not name the "old man" and why I didn't go deeply into his past) not create the "usual" story. You guys do have a good point though, and I will definatly use your critiques. Hopefully, I will post a rewrite today or tomorrow.

Thank you for your time,
Trevor