Azmakna

please don't take any of my comments as 'beating you up' lol. i'm merely passing on the knowledge of writing that i have accrude from being honestly critiqued. i have done many courses over the years and have seen hundreds of aspiring writers fall to the way side for one reason only: they could not take criticism. please don't add yourself to the list. keep up the good work

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don't count me a blank page
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see me as a written page
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The Space Cowboy

I thought it was unrealistic. Anyone who lives their whole life as an asshole isn't going to start feeling guilty just before they die. Even so, how is the man even aware of his impending death?

His anguish over his past only makes him seem like an even bigger ass. All the good things he got out of life, his comfortable chair, house, bed, food, education, so many things that other people much more deserving than him will never have are all taken for granted.

In my opinion, it doesnt seem like a dying man would focus on all the bad things that have happened to him, but rather all the good. Otherwise it seems this old man has the mentality of a whiney, teenage emo kid.

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Azmakna

give it another 20 years and you may understand the premise...

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Trevor Miller

Thanks for the reinforcement. I am glad to hear it.

Also, thank you once again to everyone who has replied. I will repost an edit shortly.

Trevor

Travmire

I'm not saying this to be mean but to be honest.

"Show, don't tell' isn't a tired cliche, it's what makes writing good. Anyone can tell you that the old man was sad. It's much harder to show how the old man is sad. You mention memories and lies and things like that in the story, but what are they? Give examples that will make the reader understand what the main character is feeling.

Also, I think most of us would agree that they didn't care about the old man. One way to help this would be to change the POV. Tell the story through the old man's eyes. This will make us more empathetic to the character.

Trevor Miller

Ok, I am going to give in. I will edit my story and repost tomorrow or saturday for sure. I will let you see, instead of tell, and I will let you understand the old man. I agree with the idea that I need to let you see more of what he did, who he was, how he feels etc. But like I have said many times, I wrote this in order to make a point, not to tell about some man that never really existed.

Thank you for your time
Trevor