Fictionfreak

This was hilarious. I think anyone could relate to this scenerio at some point in their life. Damn Eight Legged Freaks!! lol.

Yeah, I really like your voice. Your fun to listen to. Great job.

I really don't know if there is a single thing you could work on.

The freakiest of all Fictionfreaks-

Your truly, Fictionfreak

ps, you should read my s-story. It's not finished, and it's rather long winded. But heres the link. http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=77319.

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Link to my story-
Manipulators, http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ipulators.html

snorrie

This is obviously a story which most people can relate to. But I want to feel your hatred towards them also your fear. I know this is a reaccountment, but I want to feel your raw emotions. I know you can do a better job.

Quote:

I hate spiders. I don’t just hate them, I am terrified of them.

You tell us you hate them, but I want to get inside your head, know exactly how you feel. Is it a mild hatred, extreme, over-the-top? Too much tell and not enough emotion. Do you cringe, ball your fists, hate them more than tofu?

Quote:

The way that they crawl all freaky-like, with their eight (or in some cases seven after my little sister has got hold of them) legs and millions of eyes that watch you as you watch them. They are just plain freaky, and I do not like them one bit.

The red highlighted breaks the flow. It's distracting. Maybe incorporate it into the sentence saying they are feaky-llike, especiallly when my sister gets hold of them and tears off one of their legs. The eight legs and the million eyes watching are fine. They collaborate your feelings toward spiders but the first and last sentence weaken your case. Its like saying very, very, very, very much.

Quote:

Ok, so I was in the shower this morning washing my hair, which took absolutely ages as I have a bad neck and struggled to rinse away the shampoo, when I noticed a huge spider on the bathroom tiles. I must have been as big as the palm of my hand, and it sat, attached to the wall refusing to move.

Maybe you're just giving us an account of what happened, but if you're not and you're trying to make a solid piece, then I'd lose the casual voice in the beginning.

I also notice the repeteive use of spider. Use other nouns to descirbe the spider--hairy beast, creature, varmint, critter, monster.

Quote:

Panicking, I looked everywhere around me, wishing that I could find the spider. My stomach was about to blow and I couldn’t find the little bugger. Behind me I could hear my mam walking up the stairs, asking me why I was watching the toilet.

You state that you're in a panic, but you don't describe your actions, maybe you're wide-eyed, shuttering, hypervenalating, breathing hard, running about, twitching.

As I've said, almost everyone can relate to fear of different things--spiders being prevalant--but I want you to put me in your shoes, let me see through your eyes, feel your emotions. I can see everyone liked your story, but I think it can be done much better. Good luck. Keep writing.

belmont

Good story Heather! I'm glad to see that our hero prevailed!

heatherlouise

Snorrie, your critique is really useful, thankyou. i will go through at some point over the next few days and have a look at everything you suggested. thanks a lot.
i actually wanted it to be a casual voice, like i was telling you a story in my own voice. i wanted it to seem quite chatty.

thanks a lot for reading though, and taking the time to go through it, it means a lot. and thankyou everyone else for your comments.
Heather

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snorrie

Not a problem. Yours is the first I've critiuqed in a couple days, since I was being more pissy with works than helpful. I'm glad I helped you.

Travmire

Toilet Trauma

I hate spiders. I don’t just hate them; I am terrified of them. The way that they crawl all freaky-like, with their eight (or in some cases seven after my little sister has got hold of them) legs and millions of eyes that watch you as you watch them. They are just plain freaky, and I do not like them one bit.

You used "freaky" twice to describe the spider. Try some more variation.

Ok, so I was in the shower this morning washing my hair, which took ages as I have a bad neck and struggled to rinse away the shampoo, when I noticed a huge spider on the bathroom tiles. I must have been as big as the palm of my hand, and it sat, attached to the wall, refusing to move.

Is this information needed?

Now, I wasn’t too bothered at the time as I could see where the spider was, and I knew that it wasn’t moving. So I finished up in the shower, hurrying slightly, and rushed out of the bathroom. After that, I forgot all about the spider and continued getting ready for school, and off I went.

It was dinner time when I next thought about the spider. I come home for dinner during the break, and after eating my sandwich I noticed I really needed the toilet. My stomach had been breaking all morning and I knew that I needed to go sit on, so I finished my sandwich and went up stairs.

Just as I was about to enter the bathroom, I remembered. The spider. When I peeked around the door, I saw that the spider was no longer sitting on the wall. In fact, it wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I could feel my belly pressing against my trouser belt, but I insisted on finding the spider. I figured that if I could see it, I could make sure that it was a safe distance away from me. So I looked for it.

I checked all over the walls and tiles, seeing if it had just moved somewhere else. It hadn’t. So I lifted up all of the towels that lay on the floor or hung on the back of the door, but it wasn’t there either. I lifted up the toilet seat, checking all around the rims and the bowl, but the spider was no where to be seen.

Panicking, I looked everywhere around me, wishing that I could find the spider. My stomach was about to blow and I couldn’t find the little bugger. Behind me I could hear my mam walking up the stairs, asking me why I was watching the toilet.

“There was a spider in the bathroom earlier, like a huge one, and I don’t know where it is now,” I stuttered. My mam knew how scared I was of spiders, yet she still laughed at me.

“It’ll be long gone by now, stupid,” she said, walking off into the bedroom. I refused to believe her, but my stomach was burning.

After another minute of debating whether to leave using the toilet I sucked it up and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

As fast as I could, I whipped down my trousers and pants and sat down on the seat. Sighing in relief as I emptied my bladder I couldn’t relax. My eyes were darting around me, and I willed myself to pee faster.

This sentence doesn't work for me. How can you be relieved but at the same time not be relaxed? I think of relief and relaxation as being similar things.

Then, I saw it. The spider, crawling out from underneath the scales. It was just as huge as this morning, but this time it was heading for me. I lifted my legs high into the air, trying to hurry up on the toilet, but the stream just kept flowing.

The spider edged close and closer, my nerves firing all over the place. I could feel a cold sweat on my forehead, in between my breasts, dripping down my back. My stomach tightened, making it even harder for me to continue peeing. I looked around, desperately searching for something to trap the spider.

On the bath tub stood a cup. I smiled and picked it up, emptying the toothbrushes out of it onto the window sill behind me. Leaning forward on the toilet, I waited for the spider to get closer. Another inch and the bugger was mine. Yes, it moved close, and so I stretched out my arm, with the cup in hand, and snapped it on top of the spider.

I finished peeing in ease as I watched the spider struggling inside the cup. Finishing up in the bathroom, I left the cup on the floor, spider still in, and fetched my mam to shift it for me. I know that I had trapped it but I would be dammed if I was going to move it.

Now, sitting here on the sofa, waiting for Emmerdale to start on the TV, I felt proud of myself. Proud that I could overcome my fear of spiders and use the bathroom knowing fine well that one laid waiting within. Proud that I had then used my initiative in the face of danger, and managed to trap the spider. And most of all, proud that I had managed to do it all without being late back to school.



Unlike the previous commentors, I am not afraid of spiders. Because of that, I did not relate and I did not find it to be too humorous. For me, it was closer to being a long, boring story that someone tells you when you ask how their day was. I think you would agree that the topic you're writing about isn't the most interesting thing in the world. That doesn't mean that it's a bad thing to write about, but it is harder to write about. If you take the time to fully describe the events, even to absurd proportions, then the piece will be better. Describe your fear. Show how afraid you were when the spider came out from under the scale. Also, look at the part where you search for the spider. That seemed to drag on for a while. You should either add to it and build it up, or you should shorten it because it isn't that important. You could consider bringing your mom into the story more too if you want to develop her as a comedic character. Lastly, think about pushing the ending. Make yourself so filled with pride that we think you cured cancer or something instead of putting a cup on a spider.

je33ie

I have to disagree with you here Trav, I thought this was one of the best parts of the story. It made it seem more real and fitted the casual, comical tone of the piece.

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A holiday to England
Close Shave
Tears on the kitchen floor
Three minutes
The attack

Travmire

As it is, I see it as a useless piece of information that needlessly distracts from the story. Although, if the author considered explaining why she has a bad neck and it has a funny anecdote or something, then I wouldn't have a problem with it because it adds something entertaining.

heatherlouise

i had a back neck as i had slept on it funny, nothing particuarly interesting really, so i didn't tell the reader why. i want to keep that in anyway, it makes the peice informal as i wanted it.

apart from that thank you for taking the time to read through and i will have a look through your notes and make some changes.

thanks again everyone,
Heather

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Keridwen

Its strange how we're perceived, huh? I've never seen a tarantula in my life.

Heather, I couldn't relate to your story because I'm not in the least bit scared of spiders - but it didn't detract in the SLIGHTEST from the humour of the story, which is GREAT!! Means the story itself is quality, rather than just the content.

Wonderful job, it was funny and plausible and generally lighthearted.

I do agree, though, that the ending fell a TINY bit flat. Only a little. Not something you can't tweak when you read back over it in a few weeks or so. I often find that time is the best editor.

Thank you for a humourous read.

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heatherlouise

thank you for reading and commenting, i am very glad that you liked it. it was wrote for laughs so i am glad you found it so funny
and yes i'll have a look at the ending after a little while. i guess i need to give it a week or so before i start going through it again though, as i tend to notice the faults better then.

thanks for reading,
Heather

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Keridwen

No worries, mate.

Be a dear and post the ending again if you DO tweak it. I think we'd all like to read it.

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"Whatever our theme in writing, it is old and tired. Whatever our place, it has been visited by the stranger, it will never be new again. It is only the vision that can be new, but that is enough." Eudora Welty