having fun? (short, 341 words) - Writers Forum

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-03-2007, 06:29 PM

im not entirely sure i like the title. any help is really appreciated (even if you dont like it, explaining why could really help)

Having Fun?

The car screeched around a corner. The screams from the tires drowning out the screams from the passengers.

“Jason, stop the car, STOP THE FUCKING CAR” Jason grinned, his foot pressing harder on the accelerator. In the back Mary was crying and silently praying.

The car turns the corner and skids. Martin shut his eyes, expecting them to smash into another car.

Jason laughs silently, they didn't realise he was only messing with them, hell, he only had one driving lesson, later they would all laugh about it.

“Will I turn onto the M50?” “NO” “please don’t! Stop, I want to get out. I want to get out NOW” “Jesus, relax would ya?”

The car goes down the on ramp. A horn blares, their car is clipped by another. Jason’s car flips, once. Twice. Then slides to a stop. The other car has disappeared long ago.

Shattered glass is everywhere. Martin is lying on the road. Blood gushing from his wounds. Unable to move. Both his legs broken. In the back seat Mary is screaming Martins name over and over. Jason slowly gets out of the car. He’s shaking. He surveys the carnage around him. He turns and starts to walk away.

Martin screams after him. His yelling turning into a roar of agony as he tries to move. Mary is shrieking his name still, struggling to get out of the car, to extricate herself from her seatbelt.

Mary’s shrieking has stopped. She’s lying still in the car. Martin is crying, tears flowing down his cheeks and sobs tearing from his mouth. Jason has long gone.
Martin lies there. Unable to move, to help his girlfriend who was no longer shrieking for him. The car is mangled. There is blood everywhere.

Martin is going in and out of consciousness. He can hear someone talking. Telling his parents what happened. “His injuries are extensive. We don’t think he will last the night” he hears his mother sob. The comforting darkness once more drifts in, bringing him away from his pain.

thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CD

Itsaboysname · 04-03-2007, 09:28 PM

Hello there Crazy Dude.

I guess I liked it.

The build up was nice, but I felt sort of let down by the ending. I mean, the idea behind it is good. But the piece is only 341 words, and I think it'd would get better expanded. You've got the set up and then the punch line but not too much meat.
Oh boy, sorry about the seven metaphors in one but you get what I'm saying?
Even if you want to keep it pretty short I think it'd be better with a little bit something more.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-03-2007, 09:49 PM

yea, i get what your saying

thanks for helping

-CD

Due on Maple Street · 04-04-2007, 03:20 PM

I liked it, but I agree, it could be made better with more meat. But I did enjoy it.

WichitaWind · 04-04-2007, 06:27 PM

i have to say, i am with everyone else here. It could be a bit better with more substance. Why did mary stop screaming? Was Jason injured at all?

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-04-2007, 08:29 PM

mary died. jason wasnt injured.

okay, i'll get to work on lengthening it soon.

thanks for the advice!

-CD

Tarantula · 04-05-2007, 04:51 PM

Halleluljah! The fit has hit the shan! I thought it was obvious that mary died and Jason was uninjured, but I'm a little noodles! Could use more beef to it and more tension. But good.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-05-2007, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tarantula

Halleluljah! The fit has hit the shan! I thought it was obvious that mary died and Jason was uninjured, but I'm a little noodles! Could use more beef to it and more tension. But good.

emm noodles?

is that nuts?....??

well atleast someone understood lol

thanks!

-CD

valeca · 04-05-2007, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

Having Fun?

The car screeched around a corner. The screams from the tires drowning out the screams from the passengers.

This is repetitive. And there's a tense jump.

Quote:

“Jason, stop the car, STOP THE FUCKING CAR” Jason grinned, his foot pressing harder on the accelerator. In the back Mary was crying and silently praying.

Missing punctuation before your dialogue tags. Tense again.

Quote:

The car turns the corner and skids. Martin shut his eyes, expecting them to smash into another car.

Tense..again. Repetitive. Distinguish it from the same thing you started with.

Quote:

Jason laughs silently, they didn't realise he was only messing with them, hell, he only had one driving lesson, later they would all laugh about it.

You've got sentences squashed together here and joined with a comma. It doesn't work.

Quote:

“Will I turn onto the M50?” “NO” “please don’t! Stop, I want to get out. I want to get out NOW” “Jesus, relax would ya?”

A lot of problems here. Missing punct. all over the place for starters, and missing caps. Also, put each of these on a separate line. It's exceedingly difficult to read as is.

Quote:

The car goes down the on ramp. A horn blares, their car is clipped by another. Jason’s car flips, once. Twice. Then slides to a stop. The other car has disappeared long ago.

Again, comma splices here, as well as a sentence fragment.
That 'has' in the last sentence isn't needed, and doesn't work with 'long ago'.

Quote:

Shattered glass is everywhere. Martin is lying on the road. Blood gushing from his wounds. Unable to move. Both his legs broken. In the back seat Mary is screaming Martins name over and over. Jason slowly gets out of the car. He’s shaking. He surveys the carnage around him. He turns and starts to walk away.

OK, this is going to come out as harsh no matter how I say it, so I'm just going to be blunt. This reads like Dick and Jane. "See Dick run. Dick runs fast. Jane can run, too. Dick and Jane can run." You need to vary your sentence structure from this one monotonous staccato.
You've also got a bunch of sentence fragments jammed together. It doesn't work.

Quote:

Martin screams after him. His yelling turning into a roar of agony as he tries to move. Mary is shrieking his name still, struggling to get out of the car, to extricate herself from her seatbelt.

You've got a comma in the middle of nowhere, and the syntax has this reading like she's yelling his name in order to extricate herself from the car.

Quote:

Mary’s shrieking has stopped. She’s lying still in the car. Martin is crying, tears flowing down his cheeks and sobs tearing from his mouth. Jason has long gone.

You've missed a huge opportunity here to tell us more.
'Jason has long gone' is grammatically incorrect.

Quote:

Martin lies there. Unable to move, to help his girlfriend who was no longer shrieking for him. The car is mangled. There is blood everywhere.

You've got a period in the middle of [what should be] a sentence, and the syntax is really messed up here.

Quote:

Martin is going in and out of consciousness. He can hear someone talking. Telling his parents what happened. “His injuries are extensive. We don’t think he will last the night” he hears his mother sob. The comforting darkness once more drifts in, bringing him away from his pain.

Missing punct, sentence fragments, dialogue tags where there shouldn't be any, and 'bringing' doesn't work here.

Dude, I hope you know me well enough to know I don't say any of this to be mean or hurtful, but this piece is really not very good at all.

I realize that it's going to hurt regardless, though, and for that, I'm sorry.

Keep writing. You'll improve. I know it.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-05-2007, 06:23 PM

wow, that is the most detailed critique i have ever had, and i thank you for it

i now know specifically what to work on.
thank you so much for taking the time to go throught it.

and dont worry, its better it hurts now rather than later, it means i have more time to perfect everything

thanks again
(and thanks for the encouraging words

)

-CD

valeca · 04-05-2007, 06:42 PM

You're welcome. You've really got the knack of taking a rough critique on the chin.

Kudo's to you, Dude.

All my best.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-05-2007, 06:57 PM

thank you again

p.s. i like your signature.

-CD