Free Pizza in an hour - Writers Forum

Emmett89 · 03-25-2007, 01:51 AM

7:29: My mother hangs the hotel phone up, and calls to me while I'm sitting on the sofa, "Okay, the Pizza will be here by the latest at 8:29, because they guarantee it in an hour or it's free."

She leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead, I absent-mindedly wipe it off, a remnant of my younger days, and she walks out the door. My father appears out of the closet sized bathroom of the hotel room, and claps me on the shoulder, he smells heavily of Axe body spray, my body spray. Much different from his usual smell of cheap cologne and aftershave. I brought my spray on vacation, he left his on the bathroom counter of our home, which is 500 miles away.

Out the door he follows my mother, they are on their way to gamble. At a nearby Indian Casino. If I had been a scant eight months older, I would be walking down the redundant hotel hallways with them to the car that is filthy with four days of candy wrappers and pop bottles that have accumulated from trips to hole in the wall gas stations that require a key to use the restroom that is in the back of the building.

But I am not. I am 17, and any money I have cannot be used for gaming purposes.

7:38 One foot rests on the coffee table in front of me, the other lies on the green sofa, my legs are spread like some cheap prostitute. I idly play with two magnets that I bought the previous day for two dollars. I separate them with my fingers, and let them clack back to their natural positions, which is connected.

I stand up and walk to the restroom, urinate, and while washing my hands look in the mirror. I twist and turn my face side to side, checking for any blemishes. Nothing too bad. I dry my hands off on the towel that hangs on the wall. I run my hands through my air, which absorbs the remaining drops. I go and sit back down.

7:53 I'm bored. And hungry. I pull back the curtain to expose the night outside. The drizzle on the ground from a few hours ago magnifies the lampposts' light, and brightens up a moonless sky. From my vantage point of the parking lot, I can see all the cars that pull in. A large SUV idly coasts into the parking lot. The car is much too nice for that of a pizza delivery.

A few minutes later, a small two door car turns in. It moves much too slow and lethargic to be that of a pizza boy's. The driver of this vehicle is road weary, and ready to flop down on the hotel mattress that a countless number of people have done before. It will be obvious which car holds my medium pepperoni pizza. It will zip into the lot, with no time to waste with hot pizzas cooling in the back seat.

8:13 I'm beginning to feel my stomach consume itself. I'm now but just 20 minutes from a free pizza. I idly watch the half-hour sitcom that's on the TV. The only importance of it being that when it commences, my pizza will be handed over to me, with me giving nothing in return besides a disinterested good-bye.

8:24 My heart begins to pump, as the resolution to the sitcom begins.

8:26 The credits roll.

8:27 The producers screen flashes upon the television with a cute sound effect. The commercial break between shows begins. My eyes fly frantically between the clock and the door.

8:27:31 A knock at the door. I curse madly inside my head.

I get up and clutch at the money left on the kitchenette, crumpling it in my shaking hands. I look through the peephole on the door. It's a man, but the fisheye view compounded with the poor light of the hallways makes it hard to see if he's holding anything. I glance at the clock, it's just hit 8:28, can I stall him and open it a minute later and get a free pizza on a technicality?

I don't know, I doubt it.

I open the door.

It's a large middle-aged man. He's holding a bag that keeps the pizza hot. I ask, "What do I owe ya?" with a bit too much of a drawl that doesn't suit me at all. I know what I owe him, but didn't want to seem to eager.

He mumbles something that I can't comprehend. He seems to be foreign. Probably of a European country. I extend my hand, still holding the money. He takes it, and I say, "Just keep the change."

I take the pizza, and he thumbs through the money a tad too suspiciously for my liking, There's a dollar and a half more than the price. He sees this and nods at me and walks off. "Have a good one." I say as he walks off his back to me. All he does is wave an acknowledging hand to me as he disappears down the hall.

Ice Tea Atonach · 03-25-2007, 02:10 AM

Nice, interesting and a good way of gathering tension at the end with the quick jumping forward. This is a very good look into a lower class Western World family life. It makes me feel happy that I live in a family which has good values and makes a decent living.

Due on Maple Street · 03-29-2007, 04:57 PM

Interesting. I like the twist at the end. Maybe I've watched too much horror, but I was suprised that he didn't wind up getting shot in the face. I wasn't expecting it to just be a mundane story. I liked though. I would draw it out more, make it even more mundane. A few more lines of what he did that was nothing. Make it feel like you're waiting as he is.

Emmett89 · 04-03-2007, 05:41 PM

Thanks, you two.

Edgewise · 04-03-2007, 07:22 PM

I thouroughly enjoyed this. Like Due said, the fact that it is mundane is key. Very entertaining.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-03-2007, 07:29 PM

it was okay. i didnt particularly like it but it was well written
i felt the boredom of the main character, how he had nothing to do (i have been in this situation many many times)
i do agree about the ending, i felt tension with the pizza dude, i was expecting somthing to happen, like the pizza man was a killer or psycho or somthing.

i hope i helped in some way, shape or form

-CD

Emmett89 · 04-03-2007, 08:22 PM

Well, actually it's a true story, just a LOT more melodramatic. But maybe I should write in an alternate ending including getting shot in the face, or something!

Emmett89 · 05-08-2007, 11:46 AM

Anymore?

Emmett89 · 07-13-2007, 01:19 AM

Oh, right. I got this back from a teacher (a grade) and I got a C, because and I quote, "I hate passive present tense."

Good reasoning, tubs!

Patrick Beverley · 07-13-2007, 07:21 AM

This is good stuff, I like it. And I love present simple tense, so I wouldn't have given this a C.

I'll just do a quick critique, looking at stuff like punctuation and whatever.
_____

7:29: My mother hangs the hotel phone up, and calls to me while I'm sitting on the sofa, "Okay, the Pizza will be here by the latest at 8:29, because they guarantee it in an hour or it's free."

She leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead; [independent clause so you need a semicolon] I absent-mindedly wipe it off -- a remnant of my younger days -- and she walks out the door. My father appears out of the closet sized bathroom of the hotel room, and claps me on the shoulder. He smells heavily of Axe [body spray -- 'Axe, my body spray' works just as well and avoids repetition], my body spray. Much different from his usual smell of cheap cologne and aftershave. I brought my spray on vacation, he left his on the bathroom counter of our home, which is 500 miles away.

Out the door he follows my mother: they are on their way to gamble. At a nearby Indian Casino. If I had been a scant eight months older, I would be walking down the redundant hotel hallways with them to the car, [that is] filthy with four days of candy wrappers and pop bottles that have accumulated from trips to hole in the wall gas stations that require a key to use the restroom that is in the back of the building. [A lot of 'that' in this sentence. I've removed one, it was overkill, a little bit.]

But I am not. I am 17, and any money I have cannot be used for gaming purposes. [Nice. I like this paragraph.]

7:38 One foot rests on the coffee table in front of me, the other lies on the green sofa. My legs are spread like some cheap prostitute [Perhaps an over-dramatic image?]. I idly play with two magnets that I bought the previous day for two dollars. I separate them with my fingers, and let them clack back to their natural positions, which is connected. [I like this one though.]

I stand up and walk to the restroom, urinate, and while washing my hands look in the mirror. I twist and turn my face side to side, checking for any blemishes. Nothing too bad. I dry my hands off on the towel that hangs on the wall. I run my hands through my hair, which absorbs the remaining drops. I go and sit back down.

7:53 I'm bored. And hungry. I pull back the curtain to expose the night outside. The drizzle on the ground from a few hours ago magnifies the lampposts' light, and brightens up a moonless sky. From my vantage point of the parking lot, I can see all the cars that pull in. A large SUV idly coasts into the parking lot. The car is much too nice for that of a pizza delivery.

A few minutes later, a small two door car turns in. It moves much too slow and lethargic to be that of a pizza boy's. The driver of this vehicle is road weary, and ready to flop down on the hotel mattress that a countless number of people have done before. It will be obvious which car holds my medium pepperoni pizza. It will zip into the lot: [with] no time to waste, with hot pizzas cooling in the back seat. [A clearer sentence construction, and avoids repetition of 'with']

8:13 I'm beginning to feel my stomach consume itself. I'm now but just 20 minutes from a free pizza. I idly watch the half-hour sitcom that's on the TV. The only importance of it being that when it [commences -- wrong word, perhaps? possibly 'concludes'], my pizza will be handed over to me, with me giving nothing in return besides a disinterested good-bye.

8:24 My heart begins to pump, as the resolution to the sitcom begins.

8:26 The credits roll.

8:27 The producers screen flashes upon the television with a cute sound effect. The commercial break between shows begins. My eyes fly frantically between the clock and the door.

8:27:31 A knock at the door. I curse madly inside my head. [Nicely put.]

I get up and clutch at the money left on the kitchenette, crumpling it in my shaking hands. I look through the peephole on the door. It's a man, but the fisheye view compounded with the poor light of the hallways makes it hard to see if he's holding anything. I glance at the clock, it's just hit 8:28, can I stall him and open it a minute later and get a free pizza on a technicality?

I don't know, I doubt it.

I open the door. [These three paragraphs are all excellent and vividly illustrated.]

It's a large middle-aged man. He's holding a bag that keeps the pizza hot. I ask, "What do I owe ya?" with a bit too much of a drawl that doesn't suit me at all. I know what I owe him, but didn't want to seem to eager.

He mumbles something that I can't comprehend. He seems to be foreign. Probably of a European country. I extend my hand, still holding the money. He takes it, and I say, "Just keep the change."

I take the pizza, and he thumbs through the money a tad too suspiciously for my liking, There's a dollar and a half more than the price. He sees this and nods at me and walks off. "Have a good one." I say as he walks off his back to me. All he does is wave an acknowledging hand to me as he disappears down the hall. [Cool finish.]

Emmett89 · 07-13-2007, 10:15 AM

I really appreciate that, I proofread the copy I turned into my teacher a little more, replaced the word commence with a word that actually means what it should, etc...

My only qualm is, as you hinted at with the prostitute line, it's a tad melodramatic.

SecretSam · 07-13-2007, 10:18 AM

I think i'll have pizza for lunch

Patrick Beverley · 07-13-2007, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmett89

I really appreciate that, I proofread the copy I turned into my teacher a little more, replaced the word commence with a word that actually means what it should, etc...

My only qualm is, as you hinted at with the prostitute line, it's a tad melodramatic.

Mmm... but I kind of like that. Lines like 'I'm beginning to feel my stomach consume itself. I'm now but just 20 minutes from a free pizza' and 'My heart begins to pump, as the resolution to the sitcom begins' are really very funny. It was just that one line that didn't seem to fit for me.

Frabes · 07-13-2007, 07:42 PM

I really liked this. Nice and low-key, something I appreciate. Very well written.

Your observations about pizza-delivery drivers and their cars and driving habits were spot-on. Using the sitcom as a measuring stick for free pizza was good to read too, because now I know I'm not the only one who does that.

All in an entertaining read. Nicely done.

Emmett89 · 07-13-2007, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frabes

I really liked this. Nice and low-key, something I appreciate. Very well written.

Your observations about pizza-delivery drivers and their cars and driving habits were spot-on. Using the sitcom as a measuring stick for free pizza was good to read too, because now I know I'm not the only one who does that.

All in an entertaining read. Nicely done.

Thank you. I tried to keep the whole thing understated through out. I was thinking about having a "surprise" climatic ending, but it works better this way, I think.