In Thirteen Seconds...(610 words) - Writers Forum

stupid_dream · 03-20-2007, 11:55 PM

I wrote this in my Creative Writing class a few months ago. It was an assignment based on repetition, so if it seems a little repetitious, it was because I was following the assigment guidelines. The first line of the original draft was "I want a hug" and I turned it into an apocalyptic piece about hopelessness (the repetition being about wanting a hug.)

I would appreciate criticism, comments, tips on what to improve, etc. THANKS

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In Thirteen Seconds…

In thirteen seconds, the world will end, and all the magentas and greens and reds and turquoises and violets will fade to shades of gray, which will then dim darker and darker until everything is pitch-black. The sun will set forever over the Earth, the grand silver moon will shatter into pieces as it collapses onto the ground, and the stars will die along with all the wishes of countless, hopeless individuals.

In thirteen seconds, the world will end, but I’m here with my father, in his arms, hugging him. This isn’t some phony hug like the ones a stranger on the street gives you. I can feel my father’s warmth, love, and emotion in this hug.

I don’t want to be wanted. I don’t want people to want me. Sometimes, I ask myself if I want anything at all.

Vincent, do you want something?

Yes, dad.

I want a hug—only a hug.

He devours me in his beefy arms and gently rubs my back.

I want another hug—another real hug.

Anything you want, son.

In thirteen seconds, seagulls and pigeons will crash into buildings, blood will splatter and stain and feathers will waltz in midair. Planes will nosedive into the Earth, and hundreds of men and women and children pleasantly sitting in their seats will shriek in horror when they realize they will be trapped in an oversized mechanical bird, engulfed in flames. All the spiders and caterpillars and millipedes and their millions of legs will freeze at the tick of the clock.

These hugs are like drugs. Give me some drugs, dad.

All the drugs you want, son.

In thirteen seconds, planet Earth will be another memory of God’s sick, twisted mind. He’ll remember all the people dying—the innocent man in Pleasant Hill with a bullet in his head, his fragile baby-blue eyes wide open and dead, gazing at the rainbow stretching across the azure sky—or the poor mother in a cheap, banged up Ford Taurus with her two-year old daughter and one-year old son in the backseat, all dead thanks to a careless teenager who had one too many drinks the night before. And there God is, laughing, His head about to pop off.

Vincent, do you want something?

Yes, dad.

I want a hug—only a hug.

In thirteen seconds, the aroma of morning coffee and freshly baked cookies and roses and raindrops won’t be remembered by anybody, nor will the taste of the greasy, crispy potato chips or the buttery bagels or the steaming cup of hot chocolate. Only God will remember. And there God is, laughing, His head about to pop off.

I want my father to hug me intensely and constantly, as if the world would really end in thirteen seconds.

The world will end in five seconds.

Dad, give me one last hug. Please.

Okay. This one will be extra special. I promise.

I feel him squeeze me and give me a giant bear hug. My body consumes the warmth of his, and I feel his long, beefy fingers and palms rubbing and patting and stroking my back.

In four seconds, my dad will be dead.

In four seconds, my mom will be dead.

In four seconds, I’ll be dead.

In four seconds, you’ll be dead.

In three seconds, I won’t remember a thing. And there God is, laughing, His head about to pop off.

God, can you take a picture? Please?

Sorry, there isn’t enough time to get the camera ready.

Two…

In less than two seconds, I will relinquish my desires and the fake feelings I tried to mask by happy thoughts.

…One…

olrayt · 03-21-2007, 04:50 AM

great job in repeating! very repetitious! and that's a compliment!

good job in writing within the parameters set by your teacher.

riversource · 03-21-2007, 09:49 AM

Wow, your creative writing tutor sounds more interesting than mine!
The repetition in this was very powerful and the descriptions of things like the millions on legs freezing at the tick of a clock were great. Sort of made me think of Donnie Darko but i guess that's because of the count down.
Good one!

Wallis · 03-21-2007, 04:28 PM

Something about this gave me a genuine feeling of impending doom! I felt curiosity as to why, and a definate sense of hopelessness in there. This is a very good piece, I certainly loved the bit about the camera! Overall, I liked it and I feel slightly more depressed now because of it being so hopeless, so ten thumbs up!

stupid_dream · 03-21-2007, 07:35 PM

Thank you, Wallice! I'm glad you felt a sense of doom, because that is what I hoped to invoke.

Thanks to everybody else as well

T.W. North · 03-22-2007, 03:06 AM

Ha, I love this. Great imagery and emotion, great meaning as well (cliche meaning in a very non-cliche setting. Brilliant.) It half fustrates me and half excites me that I don't know WHY the world ends. xD But I don't care, this was great. (I particularly liked the paragraph about God, because it made sense.)

CountBlabula · 03-22-2007, 01:12 PM

That's a good story! I loved the imagery about all the colors fading to gray.

Kitera · 03-23-2007, 07:52 PM

I must say this was something that I’ve never read before and it’s very unique. I don’t know what to say, really. While reading this piece, all these emotions coiled inside me, wanting to explode and your protagonist’s voice was so strong…. so very strong.

The flow was good and the pace was decent, your writing, I found no faults.

Thanks for posting,

Kitera

stupid_dream · 03-23-2007, 09:43 PM

Thanks for commenting my pieces, Kitera

As well as everybody else!

AirborneRooster · 03-23-2007, 10:12 PM

I was definitely impressed. I agree with the frustration, but i felt it at the same time. Two main things went through my head at first-
1-Why is the world ending? (just like everyone else)
2-did no one know until the last thirteen seconds?

But then it was interrupted by "No time for questions, the world is ending in 13 seconds!" lol.

I really enjoyed reading this, and i'm definitely going to keep an eye out for more pieces from you.

The only thing that didn't really mesh for me was "Hugs are like drugs". Just because the single rhyme there stood out, and seemed a little cheesy at the time, but it was easy to for me to overlook when i continued to read.

stupid_dream · 03-24-2007, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AirborneRooster

I was definitely impressed. I agree with the frustration, but i felt it at the same time. Two main things went through my head at first-
1-Why is the world ending? (just like everyone else)
2-did no one know until the last thirteen seconds?

But then it was interrupted by "No time for questions, the world is ending in 13 seconds!" lol.

I really enjoyed reading this, and i'm definitely going to keep an eye out for more pieces from you.

The only thing that didn't really mesh for me was "Hugs are like drugs". Just because the single rhyme there stood out, and seemed a little cheesy at the time, but it was easy to for me to overlook when i continued to read.

Thanks for your comment! For your questions...

1 - I wrote this piece at a very depressing time in my life...it was a very personal piece, to be honest. I was having problems with women, my mom was giving me tons of shit, and all I wanted was a hug. The world wasn't really ending. I just FELT like it was, with all the problems spinning around me, I felt as if the world would end in thirteen seconds (see the line

Quote:

I want my father to hug me intensely and constantly, as if the world would really end in thirteen seconds.

2 - Nobody knew the world was going to end, because it wasn't. It was just my interpretation of the world ending in thirteen seconds, and me thinking of everything crashing and dying, etc. I also hinted about tons of problems that I felt weren't justified, and I was blaming God (hence, "And there God is, laughing, His head about to pop off.) These sentences:

Quote:

In thirteen seconds, planet Earth will be another memory of God’s sick, twisted mind. He’ll remember all the people dying—the innocent man in Pleasant Hill with a bullet in his head, his fragile baby-blue eyes wide open and dead, gazing at the rainbow stretching across the azure sky—or the poor mother in a cheap, banged up Ford Taurus with her two-year old daughter and one-year old son in the backseat, all dead thanks to a careless teenager who had one too many drinks the night before.

Innocent people dying, poor people dying, along with the depression I was having at the time all had me blaming God for the problems going on in the world and with me, even though it is childish to do it (I was just super angry.)
____________

Thanks for your comment about the "These hugs are like drugs" sentence, but it wasn't an intentional rhyme, and I quite like that sentence

Due on Maple Street · 03-24-2007, 01:35 PM

I like the image of feathers waltzing in mid air. And the repetition doesn't come off as overdone. Good imagery. I do like the "These hugs are like drugs" sentence as well as "God is, laughing. His head about to pop off."

Salad · 03-25-2007, 01:54 PM

Very good story, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very nice imagery, well-expressed emotions. Contrary to what some think, I don't think it needs any explanation as to why the world is ending. It would throw me off all of the emotions being expressed. This piece, I hink, is not trying to be like all the other fiction in the world, where everything is explained, and the world is clearly defined. All that other fiction, as it gets caught up in the details, usually forgets to show some genuine emotion- but this piece does not.

Brilliantly written.

stupid_dream · 03-25-2007, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Salad

Very good story, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very nice imagery, well-expressed emotions. Contrary to what some think, I don't think it needs any explanation as to why the world is ending. It would throw me off all of the emotions being expressed. This piece, I hink, is not trying to be like all the other fiction in the world, where everything is explained, and the world is clearly defined. All that other fiction, as it gets caught up in the details, usually forgets to show some genuine emotion- but this piece does not.

Brilliantly written.

So many people were asking why, so I told the truth...I wanted to people to try and guess that it wasn't ending.

And it was really trying to express emotions, just like you said.

AirborneRooster · 03-25-2007, 06:01 PM

I was just mentioning those questions because they came into my head, but were quickly dismissed because the story obviously wasn't about WHY. I think it was important that you focused on the moment. The reason for it was completely irrelevant. If i were in the last 13 seconds of the worlds existence, I think the last question on my mind would be why or how it was ending, and you captured that well.