Koro's Flight - SF - 912 words - Writers Forum

Cefor · 02-06-2007, 03:37 PM

Tell me what you think please and tell me how to improve and whether it would be worth continuing this... Ty in advance.

Koro loaded the last of the boron onto his ship, sending the hover-crate back to its owner. He took one last look at the surrounding city, miles and miles of tall-rise buildings. And the setting sun, only a fuzzy red glow through the smog in the atmosphere now. He glanced at the data-pad in his hand, looking through all his cargo, eyes searching for the mistakes or flaws. However he found none after a few minutes searching was over. Satisfied he walked to the rear of his ship, towards the ramp which would lead him into the heart of his ship; the Faithless. Ducking under a turret he started to go up the ramp,
“Hey! I need your help!” the voice came from behind him, turning to face the speaker he said,
“That would entirely depend on what you need help with,” the stranger was a man in his late thirties, he wore a grey suit, black shoes and he held a short cane in his left hand; in the other hand was a briefcase.
“I need transport, it needs to be safe, fast and also… rather discreet, if you catch my drift”, the words were spilling from his mouth almost frenzy-like.
Koro looked him up and down, and then said,
“Where do you need to go to?”
“Anywhere at this moment in time…. However in the near future I will need to get to system 8.” Koro was a bit dubious, system 8 was right out of his intended route.
“What would be in this for me?” he eventually asked, but even as he said this a group of Police marched around the corner of the take-off zone, all of them were carrying various weapons and gadgets.

The grey suited man swiftly ran up the ramp of the Faithless, Koro just stared at his rapidly retreating back with a mixture of surprise and also a little anger, ‘he just waltzed straight onto my ship! Didn’t even bother to wait before I said yes…. Maybe he is some kind of psychic!’ he thought.
“Hey! You, standing on that ramp!” Koro turned his head back towards the advancing Policemen, and saw that one of the officers was addressing him.
“And what could I possibly do for you fine gentlemen?”
“We are looking for a suspect… he is male, seen anyone around here recently?”
“What? Apart from you four guys?” Koro threw a quick smile their way, “Yeah, quite a few actually. There was that engineer, and the trader, that beggar, the man who tried to steal a few credits off me, someone who looked like he might be some sort of foreign diplomat, oh! And I can’t forget the bloke who tried to get me to find him a class five neutron gun for his ship, for only ten thousand credits! I assume you can hazard a guess at what I told him to do with his ten thousand credits? Shove them right up…”
“Ok, smart Alec, we get the idea… But we are specifically looking for a man that was last known to be wearing a grey suit. He should be carrying…” the officer looked down at the small green screen attached to his wrist, “a small briefcase, black, and also a short cane, also black.” Koro made a face,
“Hmm sounds like some crooked crook,” he chuckled briefly at his own joke, “or a bent lawyer or some sort. Sorry no, I don’t associate myself with those types of people. I am a trader. I only came here for a few hours to sell my cargo, and to buy some more to sell at the next planet on my route. Now, if you don’t mind…” he turned to go but the officer placed his hand on his shoulder.
“We would greatly appreciate it if you could contact us in the future if you ever see this man; we are from the Hydron Police Force. And also, what is the name of your ship?” Koro thought for a second, ‘why would they want to know my ship’s name?’
“It is the Icantis XV. Now good bye.” Before the Policemen could say any more, he turned and disappeared into the hold of his ship. Silently wondering what he had got himself into now.

Stepping into the small cockpit Koro saw the man was sitting in his chair.
“Would you like to tell me why you are running from the Hydron Police Force?” the man gave a low chuckle before answering,
“No, I wouldn’t. But now we are both fleeing them, look!” he threw his hand out and pointed at around ten incoming figures, all holding light arms.
A mechanical voice boomed out over some sort of loud speaker,
“Leave the ship and come out with your hands up!”
“Fat chance”, whispered Koro. He shoved the man out of the pilot’s seat and sat in it. “I want you to go into the main hold and stay there until I tell you to come back in. The last thing I need is some sort of distraction while I'm trying to evade ‘Hydrons Finest’”.
“Fine, I was planning on doing that anyway. I have a few comm. Messages to send.” He turned to leave the cockpit, but Koro grabbed his arm,
“No. You are not sending any sort of message while on board my ship. At least not when there are scanners around. God knows who will find out who is on board my ship!”

L00kbackinanger · 02-06-2007, 04:19 PM

The thing about it is that it's ok. But you use words like "bloke" and "police" which is OK, why not? But then you use that annoying cliched word "credits" instead of cash, loot, dollars or even just money. Why do sci-fi stories always have to have creds or credits instead of money. I mean if we're saying police and bloke in the twenty whatevereth century why not just dosh or doe or bread etc etc.

Sci Fi is my favourite genre, however, it's difficult to avoid cliches like creds. It's a decent story. But the hero is a bit cocky with the police, I mean most people are wary of cops, careful and evasive. He'd be nervous, why would he hide this bloke, he doesn't even know?

I think sci fi can be good, but just use a contemporary idiom and dialect. I dread the day when we actually do say "creds" - when we do we will be living in a crap future of surveillance, no cash and total state control.

rapidriter · 02-06-2007, 09:38 PM

I agree with L00kbackinanger as far as the sci-fi lingo is concerned. There should be a do's and don'ts for sci-fi on the web cause dealing with everything that exists in the future can get overwhelming.

I like the aloof nature of Koro and he's definitely a character I liked reading about, but there were alot of odd things, like why name a ship if it isn't on the ship? Most boats we know of have names, and the names are on the boats themselves. But he is able to give the cops a false name, so I gather it isn't written in plain sight, or what would be the point of that?

But basically, focus on the people and the plot and try not to innundate the reader with so much sci-fi lingo right at the get-go.

Good pacing, though, and any story that uses 'boron' gets a check plus in my book.

---r.r.

comma127 · 12-03-2007, 08:40 PM

I like the way your dialogue by itself shapes the character. You don't rely on lengthy texts explaining the looks of every character. I really got a 3D feel from the way they were talking. Nice work.

snorrie · 12-03-2007, 09:17 PM

You have unpolished writing which is an easy fix. You have some misplaced puctuation--no big deal. I can see it in there, some good writing but it just needs a little work. Same with your dialog. Keep trying. You've got a nice start to your craft. Good luck.

Cefor · 12-06-2007, 04:31 PM

Wow, two more replies 10 months after I posted!!

Thanks comma, I always feel my dialogue is my weakest point, but I'm glad to hear that you think it's not bad... hehe

And snorrie, thanks for the comment and I'll try and polish up my writing.

Greed · 04-16-2008, 11:25 AM

I like where it's headed. The only thing that got me was the meeting of the two main characters. That first meeting seemed a little hurried and Koro seemed all too willing to allow him passage. However, I would definately read more, keep it up.