Kieragin Alexis

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rboy27

Because it's so short, I just re-wrote it with my revisions being marked in red and my comments in blue:

When I was in seventh grade, I started to realize just how cruel and unfair the world could be. Luckily for me, I started to see this from the sidelines and didn’t have to experience things for myself. School had just started again after Christmas, and that meant new classes. In my school you had Civics the first semester and science the next. I had just gotten done enjoying the wonders of government last semester, and now I was falling asleep to the dreary tune of Life Science.

While in Civics, we happily took up one full table and all the little cliques had thier space. Now that we were in science, Mrs. Milner only had half a table and we were all squished together. This wasn’t something we appreciated. There were literally no empty seats, and some of us would have to sit beside him.
The him in question was Tim Armstrong, and quite frankly, he stunk. Of course, Tim couldn’t help it. His stench wasn’t body odor or anything, the boy smelled more like a cigarette. Actually, I take that back. Some of the problem might have been body odor. Tim wasn’t exactly dashing, either, he was more just there. Just there in the background.

It was February twelfth, and it marked the beginning of me growing up. On that particular day, Tim was the last one to get out of the lunch line. I looked around and my heart sank. The cafeteria was completely full, but there was one seat remaining to my right. This would be only place left for Tim to chose from. The Tim was going to sit beside ME.

And so he did. He sniffled and hacked up something, then swallowed. I wanted to gag. But being the lady I am, I made polite conversation with Tim and didn’t say any of the insults that came to mind. I could mock him later, right? Unfortunately, the intolerable idiots around me didn’t have an ounce of integrity within them and openly mocked him then and there.
I felt horrble for Tim, and so I stuck up for him. The whole class looked at me perplexed, but I did it anyway.

It wasn’t until later I found out that Tim had been planning to clean out his locker that day so that his mother wouldn’t have to. Timothy Armstrong had been planning to hang himself, but one simple act of kindness on my part made him reevaluate. What could we accomplish if we were always a little kinder? What could we prevent from happening? Sometimes I think that we'll never know.

First of all, I loved the title; it caught my eye immediately.

The story wasn't horrible, but it definately needed work. It all seemed very rushed and more like an outline than a stand alone peice. Whenever I write a story, I always find it best to read it aloud when I'm done, just to make sure everything flows. That and a little proof-reading goes a long way.

There is some potential to this piece if only you could expand a little more on the settings and characters. Maybe some dialogue between the main character and Tim. There's plenty of room for detail here, and since you appear to be a new writer, my suggestion would be to try and reach at least 1,000 words. If you can write more, then excellent. It's important, I think, for new writers to try and develop as much detail as possible. When you come back to it in a year or so, the piece may seem trite or longwinded, but it's a necessary skill to develop.

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"What you don't understand, you can make mean anything." - Diary by Chuck Palahniuk

Short Stories:
Sign
Boss Hog
Citrus Kills
Preparatory Humbuggery

Spread Awareness: Healed

Sigg

Thank you rboy for doing the edits and nitpicks so I don't have to, I agree with all of them.

As for the story, you captured the voice of a young teen rather well. The story in itself is very cliche but somehow the fact that it's true makes it much more powerful. Good job.

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