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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 12-19-2006, 10:10 AM   #1
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Journey Of Sevalla

This is one of the Journey of Sevalla short stories that I wrote for English projects, I think this is part 9. PS. sorry about the tense changing slightly at the end

14 years… It’s been 14 years since Ze Te Sevalla III was murdered by his own son. Lord ZT Sevalla IV. The man who once served under the Platinum Paladins. The Man who single-handedly destroyed all I had ever loved. My job. My family. He’s the reason I am here. The reason why those close to me aren’t here. The reason I started this journey.

Lord ZT’s “Platnizentrum” stands high in front of me. It is, to my knowledge, around seven to eight thousand feet tall and stretched right along an area once known as Manchester. I’d also heard it cost several billion to make… Wait, I need to focus, I can think about the Platnizentrum after ZT is dead, after I’ve given him what he deserves for what he’s done… After I make his wretched soul deplete and rot and burn away in hell!

The door is locked, so I’m going to have to break in with force. I’ll ready the diamond mace I’d crafted all those years ago and swing… Success! I’m in. Two guards have heard the commotion at the doors and are turning to look at me. I’ll have to use this mace again… I can see the guard’s skull collapsing in on it’s self, this mace can make such great force. Now I just have to take out the other guard… His skull is collapsed the exact same way as the last guard’s did… It’s not a pretty sight.

A sigh even less pretty than that, is the sight of a red flashing alarm, which is what I can see in front of me now; it seems another one of the guards has spotted me. But there is no way I’m quitting now; I’ve spent too long trying to get here for it all to be wasted now.

A crowd of guards have surrounded me; I don’t think I stand a chance of defeating them. I’m charging, it’s all I can do… Maybe if I can take out more than one guard at a time… The mace is connecting swiftly and accurately… It’d be perfect if only I was more agile. I’m taking out about two guards per swing, but I’m too greatly outnumbered…

My arm has gone dead, there’s a huge ache stretching up my spine. Damn… Tasers… I’m being dragged away, probably to meet my demise at the hands of ZT, there’s nothing he’d want more. I want to break free, and my leg is trying it’s best to kick out at one of the guards, but as soon as my leg regains it’s energy, I get another shock. It’s hopeless for me now. I feel like my life has become nothing but a complete waste of space… Maybe I should just try and fade away…

DAMN IT! I’m awake… why can’t I just slumber for all eternity? WHY WON’T I JUST DIE!? I’m smashing the bars as hard as I can, maybe there is some way, and somehow I can at least see ZT once before I waste away. Or maybe I should just waste away, and fight ZT in a dream, one last dream… No… ZT must pay… ZT MUST DIE! Wait… a guard is coming, I should try to calm down… wait a minute… he’s coming this way! He’s unlocked the door, is he letting me go? No wait… he’s got a taser, damn I hate those things. Oh god, he’s got it up to my throat… ARGHHHhhhhh…hhh…h…

I’m alive, what the hell is wrong with me, why won’t I just die and stay dead… I wonder… I bet ZT WANTS me alive, I bet he wants to make me suffer in person… It is his style after all… I think that last guard must have blindfolded me, as all I can see is a black screen blocking my vision, making all images oblivious to my eyes… I can hear footsteps, getting closer and closer… Is it finally time for someone to deal that final blow?

The footsteps have stopped, and the person seems to be untying the ropes on my arms. My hands are reaching for the blindfold off now that they are free… but the mysterious figure is stopping me. I’m confused… oh wait… now HE’S pulling the blindfold off. Wow the light in here is bright; my eyes need to adjust…

Ah there we go, now then, time to find out who it was who came to save me… it was… it’s… I can’t… believe… IT’S ZT! I’m reaching for mace, now is the time to kill him, now is the time to get revenge… oh no… NOOOO… it’s gone… the guards took the mace away when they caught me… Here I am… standing beside the so-called ruler of the earth, the man who is also known to me as my worst enemy… and I’m unarmed…

ZT doesn’t look like he has anything to say, he’s just reaching towards his gun, the last gun, the only gun left on the planet, and he’s raising it up to aim right towards my brain… his finger is wrapped around the trigger… he’s ready to pull… now, after all this… I finally get to die… ZT pulls the trigger and a shot rings out that can be heard all around the Platnizentrum… The only thing that anyone would hear through the noise was the mad chuckle of Lord Ze Te Sevalla IV…

No wait, that didn’t happen… I was asleep… it was a dream… I expected to be lying down on my bed, about to get up and eat breakfast, but I was wrong again. I was sitting in my campsite, 12 miles from the Platnizentrum where I was headed. Where I was destined to meet ZT for the final time. Would the dream I had last night come true, was my destiny that of a defeated man? I slowly packed up the diamond mace that I’d used as a weapon for the previous 9 years and continued my journey. It was time for my destiny to unfold…

TO BE CONTINUED…
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Old 12-19-2006, 10:51 AM   #2
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It is hard to comment constructively on this piece when I have no idea what or whom this is story is talking about. I think that your writing skills are good, and your words flow along in an orderly manner. Maybe someone with more experience in reviews than me can review this and give you a better report. Keep writing as with all things the more we do them the better we get.
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Old 12-20-2006, 06:11 AM   #3
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"The Man who single-handedly destroyed "
Why did you capitalize Man this time but not the first time you mentioned him?

"diamond mace "
that made me smile, reminds me of a video game

"A sigh even less pretty "
sigh = sight

"I’m taking out about two guards per swing, but I’m too greatly outnumbered… "
definately a little ridiculous, but add to that video game vibe I'm getting

" throat… ARGHHHhhhhh…hhh…h…"
haha, over the top

"why won’t I just die and stay dead"
"stay dead" implies that the main character has died and then come back to life

" My hands are reaching for the blindfold off now "
take out "off"

"I’m reaching for mace"
add "the" in front of mace

Very interesting idea for a story. Although it is almost impossible to take this seriously with all of the "..."s and the random outbursts of all caps. Not to mention that it's difficult to really know what exactly is going on because a lot of things are alluded to that are probably explained in one of other parts of the longer work. Anyhow, I thought it was very engaging and fast paced, I enjoyed reading it very much.
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