Sciwriter

Something I wrote for a halloween comp on another site Sci.






All around me is darkness, why or how I come to be here I have no idea. All I can see is a small light in the distance, so I begin walking towards it. The last I can remember is having way too much to drink at my mate’s Halloween party. I guess I must have passed out before it ended.

I quicken my pace, almost running now; the glimmering light is getting closer. My legs are tiring; they feel heavy as though I’m losing control over them. The light is getting brighter. I’m breaking into a sweat now; I can feel it running down my forehead and neck.

Almost there, wherever there is; not much further to go.


The light is an open doorway. I can see it now, only a little way further. My legs feel like lead, I’m having a job to cross the final few feet into whatever lies beyond the doorway. My breathing is laboured, God am I having a heart attack?

With one final effort my right foot crosses the threshold, and everything is lifted from me. My breathing returns to normal, my legs are working perfectly again, I feel great.

What the hell just happened?

I’m now in a beautiful garden that is bathed in warm sunlight with a wonderful clear blue sky above. Multicoloured flowers line the garden’s borders, and beyond them is a mist that obscures the view of what lies further out. A stone pathway snakes its way through the garden leading up to a lawn of pure green. Upon this green is a small curved wooden bench, and in its centre is a sculptured white stone fountain with cool water cascading from its peak.

I walk towards the bench keeping to the path, for some reason not wanting to tread foot on the immaculate lawn. I sit on the bench looking at the water as it falls without sound into the trough surrounding the fountain. I concentrate on the water; there are images with it, rippling images of what look like faces. The faces, though obscure, seem at peace.

“Hello,” a childlike voice says.

I glance away from the water to see a young child, a girl with bright golden hair, standing at my side.

“My name’s Gabby, what’s yours?”

For a few seconds I don’t reply then pull myself together.

“Tom… Tom Banister. Do you know where we are?”

Gabby giggled. “Of course I do, do you?”

“No, I’m afraid I don’t.”

“Tom Banister you say?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm, that is strange; I’m not supposed to collect a Tom Banister. You are not supposed to be here!”

“Where is here?”

“Look deep into the water.” Gabby said softly. “What do you see?”

“I…I think I see faces!”

“Yes, the faces of lost souls...you are in the wrong place. You must be returned!”

Before my eyes Gabby grows into an adult woman, a woman with golden hair. My eyes widen in shock as two white wings span from her back. I jump back with shock as the angel takes flight.

This can’t be happening!

“This way sir,” a male voice emanates to my right.

“What… who… what’s going on here?”

I see a man dressed in formal attire, almost butler looking, and brandishing a clipboard.

“There has been a most dreadful mistake. I must apologise, even Archangel Gabriel can make the odd mistake sometimes. You have somehow found your way into the Garden of Lost Souls. As you are not a lost soul you must be returned to the living.”

There is a blinding white flash. I wake with a start to find myself lying on my mate’s couch. A dream or maybe a nightmare! Whatever, it couldn’t have been real… could it?

Sigg

"why or how a come to be here I have no idea."
replace "a come" with "I came"

"I fasten my pace, almost running now"
I don't think this is the proper use of "fasten", try something like quicken or hurry

"and beyond them a mist that obscures "
add "is" before "a"

"I jump back with shock as the angle takes flight."
angle = angel

Kind of a cool idea, and very well written. It left me wanting more, maybe you could make this into a longer story sometime? I enjoyed reading this very much, great job.

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Drivin' in my Cadillac Rock Box

Sciwriter

Hey, thanks for that Sigg, I've done the changes you pointed out. I was beginning to think I was being ignored

It was just a short, but who knows I may expand on it i the future.

Thanks again.

Sci.

gohn67

hey Sciwriter,

Nice work. It's simple and it works. It's written okay. But as a reader I kind of want more. What that more is I have no idea, that's just how I feel after reading this.

First sentence here reads awkward and wordy. The comma splice bothered me also.

The whole darkness description didn't draw me in because it seemed too cliche for me.

This reminds me of when I'm having a dream. I struggle like hell every time I'm running away from something.

Your dialogue formatting is off. The way you have it here makes it difficult to discern who is talking. It's difficult for me to explain clearly. You can probably find a tutorial on dialogue formatting on the net somewhere that offers a better explanation than I can.

Overall it's a nice story. Not really any problems in plot. The writing is okay, it could be stronger. I like the clarity of your writing. You get the point across without being superfluous.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Sciwriter

Thanks for your insight gohn67.

Not to sure what you are trying to get at about the dialogue formatting though. It seems simple enough to me as there are only two people in the garden at the time(thought it was obvious who is talking, I could be wrong though.)

I didn't want to end every dialogue section with... Gabby said, or Tom answered; stuff like that. Most of my writing style is like this format unless there are more than two characters in conversation.

Thanks again.

Sci.

gohn67

I'll try to explain why this part confuses me.

I can tell who is talking by the context of what they are saying. But the problem is that I have to stop and reread to figure it out. I'll try to explain why. The parts in bold is how I read each line, since every paragraph break normally means a change in speaker. The way you have it here goes: narrator, narrator, child, child.

I hope that makes sense, because it is really hard to explain.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Sciwriter

Nope I'm confused. Why? Because...The way you have it here goes: narrator, narrator, child, child.

But you've read it as how you have used bold, which is: narrator, child, narrator, child. Which is exactly how it's meant to read.

maybe I'm just a little stupid?

Sci.

gohn67

No, it's my fault. I made a mistake when I was reading it. Sorry about that.

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The Frowning Dog Blog