Citrus Kills (635 Words) - Writers Forum

rboy27 · 12-09-2006, 01:39 PM

Road trips seem to be a recouring theme for me lately...oh well. This very short story was inspired by a real-life occurance told by a friend of mine. It seemed so odd that I just had to write about it. I don't really like the title, so if you can think of something better, don't hesitate to say something!

Oh, and there is one little swear in here.

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Truly, it was his destiny.

When you’re on a road trip with friends, it’s customary that everyone bring snacks for the long ride. It’s just as customary, though also a shame, to discard any trash out from the nearest window. What could happen, after all, in the godforsaken plains of the Midwest that trusty old biodegrading couldn’t handle. Well, a lot can happen as a matter of fact. Common day plastic bags are made in one of two varieties, high density polyethylene and low density polyethylene. In both cases, petroleum gas is used to produce the plastic, be it translucent or otherwise, and pose a great deal of harm to the environment. They are far from bio-degradable, so to combat this, UV-degradable bags have become more common. Of course, these bags, which are made of oil, are no more helpful than their predecessors. Being so light weight makes them more prone to being carried away by the wind and into the blowhole of some poor, unsuspecting grey whale. It is for these reasons and more that I chose to not associate with plastic of any kind.

“You meant well, and that’s what really matters, right?”

They had all packed their favorite assorted junk foods; Slim Jims, Doritos, and a countless amount of other partially hydrogenated oil based snacks. I, however, took the high road and brought only naturally decaying treats. If you’re going to litter, make sure its litter nature can use, that’s always been my motto.

“He couldn’t even have seen it coming. He probably didn’t even feel a thing.”

All these good intentions have been for naught, for now I am a cold blooded murderer of the worst kind. To die such a miserable and meaningless death, no creature deserves.

“It’s all apart of that life-circle thing right? I mean, he had to go sometime.”

I thought I was being earth conscious, but I am an apparent killer.

“Urgh, this is pure mush!” I said. “I hate to waste such a treat from Mother Nature’s kitchen”, and with that, I quickly tossed my tangerine out the window. If you’re going to litter, make sure its litter nature can use. I felt no remorse for Her, especially when I considered what good I had just done. The soil here looked severely malnourished; perhaps a small pile of compost would arise and encourage the growth of some fresh grass. In my mind I was a hero.

“Dude, did you see that?” I heard from the back.

“Hell yeah! Mitch, stop the car!”

I brought my hybrid to a slow and controlled stop as to not release any more unnecessary rubber fumes into the air.

“It was just back here, near that red bush!”

The two ran with great haste and I followed reluctantly behind.

“Dude, he really did hit it! It’s dead!”

These few words were more than enough to quicken my pace. I pushed my companions aside and nearly threw-up at what I saw.

“It was that orange man, you fucking killed a bird with an orange!”

It was a beautiful Short-billed Dowitcher, “was” being the key word. Now, my discarded tangerine was cemented firmly in his majestic stomach like some science experiment gone grotesquely wrong. It didn’t look like a hit, more like an explosion.

“Jesus man, how hard did you throw that thing? I mean look, there’s feathers and blood everywhere!”

“It was a good toss I suppose, but I wouldn’t call it a throw.”

“Dude, how could you have missed that thing? I mean, it was flying right next to you!”

After performing a proper burial and constructing a small cross out of two sticks and string from my sock, we returned my car.

“It’s not your fault Mitch. He was just a victim of circumstance.”

Truly, it was his destiny.

gohn67 · 12-09-2006, 04:13 PM

hey Rboy,

Funny anecdote. I liked the randomness of the bird getting killed. Reminded me of a Family Guy gag. Funny stuff. I liked the guy's environmentalist (?) preaching too.

I'm not sure I liked the "Truly, it was his destiny" line used to bookend this piece. I think you can do without it. I think it is there for comedic effect, but really it just kind of put me off to the story.

The second paragraph is good. I liked learning about those environmental things. But I think it is out of context when you go into all that stuff. Plus people tend to get turned away from that kind of exposition. Maybe establish the character and setting before going into the exposition.

How many people are in the car? Because I can't tell who is talking.

The narrative was kind of confusing to me. It seems like the story starts right after the bird is hit. And then later it seems like the story moves backward to right when the bird is hit.

Quote:

“You meant well, and that’s what really matters, right?”

They had all packed their favorite assorted junk foods; Slim Jims, Doritos, and a countless amount of other partially hydrogenated oil based snacks. I, however, took the high road and brought only naturally decaying treats. If you’re going to litter, make sure its litter nature can use, that’s always been my motto.

“He couldn’t even have seen it coming. He probably didn’t even feel a thing.”

All these good intentions have been for naught, for now I am a cold blooded murderer of the worst kind. To die such a miserable and meaningless death, no creature deserves.

“It’s all apart of that life-circle thing right? I mean, he had to go sometime.”

I thought I was being earth conscious, but I am an apparent killer.

This part feels like it happened two-three minutes after the bird was hit. The rest that follows this reads like it happened right when the bird that hits.

Quote:

I thought I was being earth conscious, but I am an apparent killer.

“Urgh, this is pure mush!” I said. “I hate to waste such a treat from Mother Nature’s kitchen”, and with that, I quickly tossed my tangerine out the window. If you’re going to litter, make sure its litter nature can use. I felt no remorse for Her, especially when I considered what good I had just done. The soil here looked severely malnourished; perhaps a small pile of compost would arise and encourage the growth of some fresh grass. In my mind I was a hero.

These two paragraphs are kind of contradictory. First paragraph here he feels guilty. Second one he doesn't.

It was a fun read despite the confusing narration.

rboy27 · 12-09-2006, 05:53 PM

Quote:

It seems like the story starts right after the bird is hit. And then later it seems like the story moves backward to right when the bird is hit.

The reason it seems like that is because that's exactly how I wanted to write it.

I love weird time shifts like that, it just makes things more confussing and vague, another tendency of mine. I tend to not give characters names for just that reason.

Thanks for all your input though!

Sigg · 12-09-2006, 08:27 PM

Nice story, I like the contrast of the narrator's voice with the voices of the characters, it gave the whole thing a more comical atmosphere.

I didn't really see anything that bothered me, great job.