eMb

Hurried, and I haven't written in a while, but hopefully good. Somewhat based on an experience I had.

“How many more troops do you think they’ll send?” asked the old man weakly from his bed. His head was taped up and he was scared. His son, holding close to the bedside, replied to him softly.

“I’m not sure, dad.”

“Yeah, we can never know,” said the old man and let his head drop to the pillow, sinking into it comfortably. His memories filled his mind and they seemed vivid, realistic; it was as if he was actually there.

Explosions, gunfire, his comrades and brothers falling all about him appeared in his mind and he hated it. Memories of the war never left him; they haunted him in his dreams and in his thoughts. He could hear the gunfire outside.

“You know, if they find you near me, they’ll kill you,” he warned his son softly.

He remembered his injury: shrapnel flying at high speeds into his leg leaving a deep gash that soaked his leg in blood. He opened his eyes frantically, as if to clear his mind of the horrible thoughts.

“Please! Please don’t kill me! Please, don’t kill me!” the old man heard a soldier outside say.

It didn’t work, and the blood in his thoughts seemed redder every time he blinked. He began to softly cry out, to somehow gain the attention of someone who could clear his mind, if such a person existed.

The son kissed his father on the forehead and gently said, “Dad, I’ve got to go.” He got up and left the bedroom, stepping into the corridor of the nursing home’s second floor. About him were other elderly people dressed in similar clothing staring coldly with aged eyes.

Sigg

A good beginning, but where is the rest of the story? This just describes a scene but has no plot or conflict or even introduction to any characters beyond a dying shell-shocked war veteran.

I don't really know how to critique this because it's not even really an introduction to a story, it doesn't imply any kind of future conflict. So from what's there I can say that it was relatively well written and I didn't see any grammatical mistakes.

Write more

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eMb

I guess I didn't communicate this well enough.

I tried to make it seems as if a war was still going on outside and it was probably around Civil War time, but in actuality the man was crazy and was in his bed in a nursing home.

I didn't write it well enough I suppose.

skullfire

No, you wrote it well enough. I would suggest tinkering with it, inserting more civil war. There's something to be said for hurried work, when you just zip through it.

spider8

"It didn't work, and the blood..." That's where you lost me. I had to look up and re read to see what "didn't work". Up to this point, don't forget, I'm picturing this in some tent on the side of a battlefield and what the soldier outside is saying made me forget the previous words. Also, don't put these big spaces in between the paragraphs because it's distracting and makes me think the story has shifted elsewhere- all it needs is a new paragraph. Write it as you'd see it printed in a book- not in a letter! I'm only criticising because I really liked it overall and so it's well worth the criticque.
Regards
Dennis

Hawke

I really liked this too and know what you were trying to convey here. Heartbreaking, isn't it. Just a thought. Perhaps try taking out all references to the dad's memories and what was going on in his mind, and let your super ending tell the reality.

Nice job.


Edit: What I meant was to definitely keep the horror of war but don't let the reader in on the fact that they are memories of it, instead letting your ending reveal it. Hope this makes my thought a bit clearer.

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Wyndstar

I understood this from go, but that could be because I've worked in nursing homes and this is a very familiar scene to me. It being written only makes it more heart breaking, because it means that my experiences weren't isolated. I think maybe it is confusing because you captured the older man's state so well. And any adult with empathy gets lost in both the older person's confusion, and their own dismay about the situation. The shifting IS hard, and doesn't make a lot of sense. Yes, you could probably make it a bit clearer for other readers, but it succeeded with me.

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Crash_Tomas

same for me, I work part time cleaning the floors and stuff to help out any way I can. And there are many who still think they're living during world war two.

I liked the concept of it, but you could expand it so that it feels even more like a civil war type thing.

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Cady

It sounds like an excerpt from an interesting book. Keep Going! My only complaint is I would like a bit more description about the room, the old man, his son. Give me some colors, smells, anything Sounds great!

eMb

Gracias! I'll work on this more over the week.

Initiate

Liked it heaps, but it needs much more warfield and then a much more contrasting nursing home. I love these kind of stories, because they could never be told on the big screen short of having it as a close up.