English project, no title - Writers Forum

lilmissie365 · 11-14-2006, 06:02 PM

So, I decided that I've been on here for how long? and I still haven't posted anything of my own. Mostly because I'm the sort of writer that isn't satisfied to let other people read my things until I am COMPLETELY satisfied with them, which is a very rare feat. Hence, this.

It is a suspenseful short story I had to write for english just before Halloween, and because I had procrastinated it was written in fourty-five minutes so of course there will be a lot of criticism, but I thought I would give people an idea of my writing, although a shabby one. ...And a bit more emo than my usual stuff. I had darkened it up for the occasion.

Decided on a title. Maybe overused. Whatever, I think it suits.
Poetic Justice; don't be too harsh in your critiquing. Haha, okay, go ahead, be harsh.

"Greg?!" My words echoed, bounced, and rebounded off of the cliff walls only to be swallowed by the cacaphony of the roaring waves that smashed against the jagged rocks far below. My mud stained homecoming dress snapped against my ankles in the wind, wind that seemed to whisper foreboding secrets in my ears. He fell, it taunted me, and it's all your fault. Your fault!

"NO!" I screamed back. I refused to believe it. Life couldn't be that cruel. But as if to slap the protests in my face, the wind just carried my words back to hit my ears in their shrillness. I paced the cliffside as close as I dared, but not nearly close enough to confirm or deny my fears.

I knew the rocks sat some hundred feet below, the path he had been chasing me down narrow and precariously close to the edge. In the dark one misstep could easily send a person plummeting to their death. As I inched closer to the edge I prayed that if he had fallen, by a near impossible stroke of luck, he had missed to rocks to land in the water. The second the thought passed my mind the still rational part of me told me it would do no good. The rushing tide would only smash him against the cliff wall to be dashed to death. It would be almost merciful, had he fallen, to die instantly against the rocks.

I had only been teasing, and look what came of that. When he said the three words at first I panicked, but now that I feared something might have happened to him all I could think was I do love him, and look what came of my foolishness. It had been cruel of me to say he didn't mean it, that he was only saying sweet words to try and win another virtue from me. I berated my actions ceaselessly. The only picture in my head was the hurt behind his eyes at my words. He had insisted they weren't true, that he really did love me, and I had believed him, but I was still wary.

"If you really love me, you'll do anything to win my heart won't you?" I had fished.

"Of course, you know I would!" I should have taken his word at that, and ran into his arms.

Instead I had laughed and plied. "Well then you'll have to catch me!" and started running along the cliffside edge. Halfway up the peak I turned wondering why he hadn't caught me yet. There was no doubt that he was a faster runner, but I couldn't see him anywhere along the path.

Illuminated by the moonlight, the ocean stretching out before me, the scene was the epitome of romantic, but my still heart sank. I finally steeled myself to peer over the cliff edge. Far down below the rocks were stained black-red by the blood of, it's true, the person I loved.

I screamed, a wordless, anguish soaked scream that did nothing to quelch the feelings barely contained under my skin. Rage, at myself; fear, at the mystery of what would happen next; and pure suffering, of such a loss that was no one's fault but my own.

By a trick of the moonlight, the waves, or my own mind wishing it to be true, I thought I saw him move. A nearly imperceptable move, but something none-the-less. My heart fluttered in a whim of hope. I didn't think at all, I just ran to the nearest spot that formed a more than dangerous, and steep walk down the cliff edge. I was driven by hope, or maybe I was suicidal and just didn't know it but I scrambled across the rockwall, barefoot, not looking where I was going, where my feet fell, or rocks in my path, I just scaled along the cliff wall all eyes on the body of the guy I loved, praying for any other sign of motion.

My foot came down on large, sharp rock, and nearly slid out from under me. The land I was walking along was nearly as long as my foot from heal to toe, but the well painted digits curled over the edge of the rock wall. When my foot moved out from under me by instinct my arms swung out, losing their hold on the wall I had been flattened against, and I tottered on the edge. For a second it seemed the wind, the same wind that had belittled and vituperated me, was trying to push me back against the wall, to save me from the fate I surely deserved.

The wind pushed, my arms spiraled in a desperate attempt to regain balance, and I might have screamed-- a rebellion by my lungs, but then gravity won out, and I plunged the remaining thirty feet into the ice-cold water below.

I gasped as the dark water closed over my head, and my pinned, hairsprayed, and coiffed-for-the-occasion hair billowed out around my head in a golden halo nowhere near bright enough to shine through the black water. Water roared around me, and flowed into my open mouth, but before it could smother me into complete darkness I was pushed above water to gasp cold, cleansing air into my lungs.

My eyes fell to a rock, not more than twenty feet from me, where his body lay, the blood splayed in a gruesome halo that shone brighter in their deplorable aesthetics than my hair could ever have hoped to fight off the dark. Suddenly my body weighed a thousand pounds more, and my arms stopped fighting against the current, my legs stopped kicking, and a broken sob tore from my throat. My life lay not in staying above water, but broken on the rocks. Water closed over my head and for a minute I thought I felt peace, embraced as I was in the liquid murderer. No, that wasn't true, the only murderer here was me.

My lungs filled with water, my vision faded and the last thought that passed through my mind was I do love you. I do. I'm sorry. At least now we can be together. Forgive me. Please.

We'll call this a just poetic justice.

George_Moyle · 11-14-2006, 07:04 PM

Very well done story. I like the flashback and the emotion. The imagery is crystal-clear. I don't see your grades plunging anytime soon. Keep it up.

-George Moyle

The Amory Warrior · 11-14-2006, 07:29 PM

I have to agree, I'm pretty sure your teacher'll be pleased. I know I was. I always enjoy stories that deviate from the cliched happily ever after.

George_Moyle · 11-14-2006, 07:46 PM

Yes, I love dark twisted endings. Mwahaha. Actually I think happy endings can be good for a story, but no Cinderella happy. I mean happy where the problem is resolved, but not everything is 100% okay. For example someone is murdered, but their killer is caught. Happy ending, but sad that the person died.

-George Moyle

lilmissie365 · 11-14-2006, 07:55 PM

No, luckily my grades are pretty darn secure (okay, except Japanese but we'll ignore that one)
and thank you very much.

I have to agree, fairy-tale endings, while they're pretty to think about, and some people can pull them off, they don't work for me. I'm a bit more of a realistic writer leaning towards suspense, and mystery but hey, the occasional happily ever after is a nice breather from the real world.

Changeling · 11-15-2006, 03:00 PM

This is a very good piece of work, so i know you're adept and mature enough to handle criticism, though there really isn't much to crit, it's solid as it is.

"Greg?!" My words echoed, bounced, and rebounded off of the cliff walls only to be swallowed by the cacaphony of the roaring waves that smashed against the jagged rocks far below the cliff edge. My mud stained homecoming dress snapped against my ankles in the wind, wind that seemed to whisper foreboding secrets in my ears. He fell, it taunted me, and it's all your fault. Your fault!

A minor point, you use the word cliff twice in the same sentence. Try and find another word is you can, Ravine, abyss, rocky outcrop etc. Otherwise faultless.

"NO!" I screamed back. I refused to believe it. Life couldn't be that cruel. But as if to slap the protests in my face, the wind just carried my words back to hit my ears in their shrillness. I paced the cliffside as close as I dared, but not nearly close enough to confirm or deny my fears.

Great.

(if i underline anything, it means i'd consider taking it out to tighten things up.)

I knew the rocks sat some hundred feet below, the path he had been chasing me down narrow and precariously close to the cliff edge. In the dark one misstep could easily send a person plummeting to their death. As I inched closer to the edge I prayed that if he had fallen by a near impossible stroke of luck he had missed to rocks to land in the water. (read this sentence out loud, maybe punctuate) The second the thought passed my mind the still rational part of me told me it would do no good. The rushing tide would only smash him against the cliff wall to be dashed to death. It would be almost merciful, had he fallen, to die instantly against the rocks.

I had only been teasing, and look what came of that. When he said the three words at first I panicked, but now that I feared something might have happened to him all I could think was I do love him, and look what came of my foolishness. It had been cruel of me to say he didn't mean it, that he was only saying sweet words to try and win another virtue from me. I berated my actions ceaselessly. The only picture in my head was the hurt behind his eyes at my words. He had insisted they weren't true, that he really did love me, and I had believed him, but I was still wary.

"If you really love me, you'll do anything to win my heart won't you?" I had fished.

"Of course, you know I would!" I should have taken his word at that, and ran into his arms.

Instead I had laughed and plied. "Well then you'll have to catch me!" and started running along the cliffside edge. Halfway up the peak I turned wondering why he hadn't caught me yet. There was no doubt that he was a faster runner, but I couldn't see him anywhere along the path.

Illuminated by the moonlight, the ocean stretching out before me, the scene was the epitome of romantic, but my still heart sank. I finally steeled myself to peer over the cliff edge. Far down below the rocks were stained black-red by the blood of, it's true, the person I loved.

I screamed, a wordless, anguish soaked scream that did nothing to quelch the feelings barely contained under my skin. Rage, at myself; fear, at the mystery of what would happen next; and pure suffering, of such a loss that was no one's fault but my own.

By a trick of the moonlight, the waves, or my own mind wishing it to be true, I thought I saw him move. A nearly imperceptable move, but something none-the-less. My heart fluttered in a whim of hope. I didn't think at all, I just ran to the nearest spot that formed a more than dangerous, and steep walk down the cliff edge. I was driven by hope, or maybe I was suicidal and just didn't know it but I scrambled across the rockwall, barefoot, not looking where I was going, where my feet fell, or rocks in my path, I just scaled along the cliff wall all eyes on the body of the guy I loved, praying for any other sign of motion.

My foot came down on large, sharp rock, and nearly slid out from under me. The land I was walking along was nearly as long as my foot from heal to toe, but the well painted digits curled over the edge of the rock wall. When my foot moved out from under me by instinct my arms swung out, losing their hold on the wall I had been flattened against, and I tottered on the edge. For a second it seemed the wind, the same wind that had belittled and vituperated (big word, dunno what it means, dunno if it helps or hinders story) me, was trying to push me back against the wall, to save me from the fate I surely deserved.

The wind pushed, my arms spiraled in a desperate attempt to regain balance, and I might have screamed-- a rebellion by my lungs, but then gravity won out, and I plunged the remaining thirty feet into the ice-cold water below.

I gasped as the dark water closed over my head, and my pinned, hairsprayed, and coiffed for the occasion (comma?) hair billowed out around my head in a golden halo nowhere near bright enough to shine through the black water. Water roared around me, and flowed into my open mouth, but before it could smother me into complete darkness I was pushed above water to gasp cold, cleansing air into my lungs.

My eyes fell to a rock, not more than twenty feet from me, where his body lay, the blood splayed in a gruesome halo that shone brighter in their deplorable aesthetics than my hair could ever have hoped to fight off the dark. Suddenly my body weighed a thousand pounds more, and my arms stopped fighting against the current, my legs stopped kicking, and a broken sob tore from my throat. My life lay not in staying above water, but broken on the rocks. Water closed over my head and for a minute I thought I felt peace, embraced as I was in the liquid murderer. No, that wasn't true, the only murderer here was me.

My lungs filled with water, my vision faded and the last thought that passed through my mind was I do love you. I do. I'm sorry. At least now we can be together. Forgive me. Please.

We'll call this a just poetic justice.

Like i say, very little to crit, i had to really look hard and found that difficult because the story was so involving. The ending was excellent, a fitting darkness for the setting. You have nothing to worry about, and you should post more stuff on the forum, the crits often help and are usually good for morale and incentive. I'm sure you don't have to worry any negative feedback.

lilmissie365 · 11-15-2006, 05:51 PM

Well thank you very much Changeling. Something I admire in you very much would be your critiquing, and wow, I'm flattered there isn't more considering I hadn't done much tweeking.
Most of the points you brought up were things I wasn't sure whether to fix or not myself. Lol, cliffs I find confusing just because there aren't enough synonyms!

Haha, considering even my teacher didn't know what vituperated means, definition.

Vituperate: To rebuke or criticize harshly or abusively; berate.
in other words it just means the same thing as to belittle or berate.

cellardoor · 11-17-2006, 05:22 PM

it works

lilmissie365 · 11-17-2006, 05:32 PM

Lol, descriptive.

Meg101 · 08-09-2007, 06:16 PM

your work inspires me.

Sigg · 08-10-2007, 06:13 PM

It's well written and a good 'heart-throb' story. There isn't much for me to critique as I'm neither experienced nor partial to this kind of story, but it was emotional and smooth to read. Although the ending is a little emo, good job nonetheless.

Ruan@21million · 08-12-2007, 06:38 PM

The writing was good, but the story was even better. Even with all the melodramatic descriptions thrown in I couldn't help but.. laugh my ass off! It was hilarious and I was impressed. Nothing has made me laugh this hard in looooong time.

Ah, like a breath of fresh air.

snorrie · 08-12-2007, 11:43 PM

I'm the dissenting opinion. Sorry. Your piece needs some cleaning. I don't have much time so I made only a few points. But apply what I've given you to the rest of the piece. It also is treading into purple prose territory. Keep writing though. I see that you have a lot of emtion in your writing, which is great. You just need to tone it down a notch and watch out for wordiness. Good luck.

Quote:

"Greg?!" My words echoed, bounced, and rebounded

This is redundant wording.

Quote:

My words echoed, bounced, and rebounded off of the cliff walls only to be swallowed by the cacaphony of the roaring wave

The words can’t echo if they were swallowed.

Quote:

My mud stained homecoming dress snapped against my ankles in the wind, wind that seemed to whisper foreboding secrets in my ears.

I’m a minimalist. I don’t care for the use of repeated words(winds). I know you’re trying for dramatic effect but it doesn’t do it for me.

Quote:

But as if to slap the protests in my face, the wind just carried my words back to hit my ears in their shrillness.

Having the wind slap her in the face is kind of cheesy.

Quote:

As I inched closer to the edge I prayed that if he had fallen, by a near impossible stroke of luck, he had missed to rocks to land in the water.

The syntax is scrambled. It sounds like you’re saying that maybe he had fallen by a stoke of luck.

Quote:

The second the thought passed my mind the still rational part of me told me it would do no good.

Wordy. Clean it up, get to the point. Example: But my rational thought knew it would do no good. My version was half your wording. Adding unnecessary words bores the reader.

Quote:

I had only been teasing, and look what came of that.

This sentence belongs later in the paragraph when he character admits that what she said was cruel. Plus I would have reworded it. More windedness. You think it sounds writerly but it only drags down the prose. Rewrite: Look what came of my senseless teasing? You used twelve words, I’ve use seven and it gets the same point across and is a lot cleaner. Keep it simple and clean.

lilmissie365 · 05-10-2008, 11:27 AM

Well, to snorrie, thanks for your cc, but to me it seems more like you're the type to only throw in criticism in an attempt to bully the writer.

Considering nobody else complained about anything that you wrote, I'm leaving it the way it is.

You're not god of the writing world. Stop trying to act like you are.