Jason05401

Originally I posted this in the critque and advice section however upon further reflection I realized what I have here is a short hilarious auto-biographical story. In light of this realization I decided to post it here because after about five days over in the other forum board absolutely no one has replied. Lots of people have looked, but no one's bothered to say anything about it.. so here it is.. one more time now! (the promt was to chronicle the longest time I've ever been awake):

The longest time I’ve ever been awake must’ve been just this past summer, not too long ago. It was right after I’d departed San Diego airport for Las Vegas...


My head is spinning I think to myself as I get into the terminal. I follow some group of Asians towards where I am to meet John Canning. John Canning is such a nice guy, flying me out to California and now inviting me to travel with him, Rhoen, and Courtney. As we're getting into his rental van I ask him how long 'til we get to the hotel, I'm feeling completely obliterated. He says ten minutes and five minutes later we're there. I am so tired by now I just go straight to bed; about twenty minutes later Rhoen joins me on the bed. This is the circumstance I learn I will have to cope with for the trip. That's fine I think to myself, nothing wrong with sharing a double size bed. However, the next morning a set of bewildering circumstances revealed themselves in the sun light.

I awake to the warmth of Rhoen's tall, lean, pajama coated body gently wrapped around my own. Immediately the problem is realized as I swiftly roll off the bed back into my comfort zone. Standing up next to the bedside I stare down at Rhoen, a kind smile upon his sleeping face; a thunderstruck confusion upon mine.


As we ate breakfast together I tell him that perhaps he may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The day seems to have whizzed by I think to myself as we wait in line for Love. The show is an amazing performance put on by Cirque du Soleil. I sit entranced for nearly two and a half hours watching these amazing Beatles based skits play out. Tonight I feel pooped and over come with recent memories. Thinking back to last week's amazing encounter with the Gerrards and the past two days here in Vegas with the group I realize I need sleep.


As soon as I lay my head to rest I hear and feel a rustle of sorts within the blankets. I'm getting bad vibes from this. As I twist my neck over to educate myself of the disturbance I come to the dreaded conclusion that Rhoen has indeed begun his voyage across this bed once more. He seems to creep over very slowly, bits and pieces at a time. Unfortunately each disturbance among the covers slips me back into consciousness. Each time I lay there eyes wide open and awake deciding when enough time has passed to safely drift to my dream world. It's not until I can see the light of day peering through the curtains at me that I give up on sleep and drearily drop out of bed.

Today is the voyage to the Grand Canyon I excitedly realize. Mind over flowing in euphoric anticipation I find myself more awake then I expected after zero sleep. After an amazing lunch at a Korean restaurant we're on our way to the Grand Canyon. The trip is long and drawn out, however we make it there just in time for our dinner reservation. For a restaurant located in a log cabin this place sure is fancy I think to myself. Each dish is seemingly cooked to the highest standards of cooking, and the menu in and of itself is something to be astounded by. I order one organically shade grown coffee pot; pouring a generous three cups of coffee into my cup and eventually my stomach before dinners done. This will certainly prepare me for the worst I think.


The bed here isn't as soft as the one back in Las Vegas I realize. Oh well, I'll just suck it up. It's been close to forty hours Jason; you should be able to black out before he gets here. I try to fall into sleep before Rhoen hops in bed, however I find the primal fear too present to ignore. Much to my dismay the consistent bed shufflings and blanket rustlings are back. This time however, Rhoen appears to have more self control; he seems to wake up every so often and find his place on the right side of the bed. This brings a smile to my face. He is finally learning some real practical self control. Unfortunately Rhoen can only mange this so well. In reality his body seems to take refuge upon a raft in his mind, floating wherever the flowing waters of his dreams may take him.

Eventually Rhoen seems to find land as he comes in contact with my back. This is bad enough; the simultaneous giggle is what pushes me over the edge. At this I shove him over to his side of the bed. He appears to have some how retained unconsciousness. After four more hours of this I give up. I say enough is enough. Grabbing the top layer blanket and my pillow I fall off the bed and make my nest upon the ground. This is a hard hotel floor I think. Despite that I cannot describe the inner comfort returned to me on this cold carpet. In total I believe I've been conscious for nearly two days. One night more and I would go crazy!

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Keridwen

hehehe I like it!!

Overusage of the word "bed" I think.

Aaaaand... slightly anti-climatic. I can't offer any suggestions on how to improve though, so maybe I should keep my mouth shut. Maybe have him yelling at Rhoen?

I like the interludes in between the 'sleeping' - it adds tone!

Good job!

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"Whatever our theme in writing, it is old and tired. Whatever our place, it has been visited by the stranger, it will never be new again. It is only the vision that can be new, but that is enough." Eudora Welty

gohn67

I wouldn't say it was hilarious. It was amusing though. It was a nice light read, and there's nothing wrong with that. Its well written and also I like the details that you included in the story. Paced well also. You knew when to slow down and when to speed up the story.

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lilmissie365

Lol, well I think I can honestly say that must have been... disturbing in the very least.
And Keridwen, he can't throw in a section of him yelling at Rhoen because then it wouldn't be an auto-biography now would it?

My critique, well written, I can see you know how to set up a reader for a situation and ease in and out of scenes, considering this is auto-biographical and nothing all too spectacular happens it's not like it's on the best seller list or anything, but it is good.