Jimbob

"I was hoping that maybe you wouldn't show up this time," she said, as he got out of his car.

"Well, it isn't as if I wanted to," he said as they walked over to the usual motel room. He unlocked the door; she stepped inside and turned on the air conditioner. They now sat on opposite sides of the bed and as if it were a practiced drill, began to disrobe, quickly but unhurried with no wasted motions.

Still trying not to?" he asked when they were both naked.

"Not really," she replied. "Just hoping that maybe... " her voice trailed off.

He sighed, "Well, let's get on with it," lifting his legs and rolling toward the center of the bed as she did the same from her side.

Their bodies locked with the mechanical precision of boxcars coupling, and they bucked and jerked for a few moments until the act was completed and they separated, leaking fluids onto the bedspread.

They now sat on the same side of the bed, facing the door and waiting.

"Maybe he won't come this time," she said. He gave a mirthless grin.

They didn't even twitch when the door gave way under a big man's weight and her husband burst into the room wih a .45 automatic in his hand.

"Ready? " he sighed.

"How long does this have to go on?" she asked

Her companion shrugged, "Until the game plays itself out."

"Or until we're forgiven, but maybe forever" said her husband. "Don't you know where we are yet?" Then he shot her through the heart and her lover through the head just before he put the gun to his own temple.
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"I was hoping that maybe you wouldn't show up this time," she said, as he got out of his car.

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Hakeem

Aside from typos, I find the idea very nice.

"it isn't as if I wanted to"... would sound better: it's not as if I wanted to.

Another point, why wouldn't any of the two do something else? It would have a better effect if you can show the readers that something actually forces them to repeat the day.

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"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

Fantasy of You

A tag should be just a tag. Don't tell me things that have nothing to do with the sentence in the tag. Start a new sentence, or have it before the dialogue.

The shrug is not related to what she says. It should be a different sentence. No one can say a shrug. A shrug is just a shrug. Change it to 'Her companion shrugged. "..."'

Same as the above. The sigh is not a tag, it's a seperate sentence. Make it so.

Same again.

Not to be rude, but are you a virgin? I'd be extremely disappointed if it lasted for a few moments, and extremely worried if my girlfriend bucked or jerked. I know what you're trying to say, you just chose the wrong words, I think.

Okay, I wouldn't say this was particularly graphic, but it seems out of place. There are no other details like this. Either delete it, or:

Add some detail here. What happened to the bullet that entered his temple? Where did the blood go ect. (And don't have her be shot through the heart. He isn't a training hitman, I hope.)

Okay, three things.

- Proofread it. There are many mistakes in this tiny story.

- I didn't get the plot until I wrote down their actions. As I wrote my thoughts down, I just got it. They're in a loop, right? Have to do something to break it, or start all over again. That's why their movements are so mechanical? Either way, you need to clarification here. I should get it within seconds of the delivery.

- Where's the rest? I actually want to read more. Why are they in a loop? What do they have to do? Why are they doing the same thing over and over, instead of changing their habits?

Hope I helped.

-Fantasy

Edit: IMO, leave as is. Your speech is a strength. Don't change it.

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It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

Bika

Actually, I think the "bucked and jerked" bit is quite apt as it emphasised (for me) how sick and tired of going through the same thing over and over again the "lovers" were/are.

Likewise the lack of gore in the shootings - the brevity of the ending - provides emphasis on the larger picture.

Purgatory may perhaps be a more appropriate title.

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Jimbob

Hakeem,

Thanks for commenting. Actually, I was tempted to offer some kind of explanation for the force or principle that bound these three souls together in an endless cycle of fucking and killing, but decided not to.





If I were to do that, I would be either espousing some existing theological\metaphysical system or inventing a new one. I figured I'd rather put forth the idea that Hell would be a state in which the punishment not only fits the crime, but the punishment IS the crime and let readers try to fit that concept into their own belief systems.

Fantasy,

Thanks for responding.

Actually, I do several things that would appall my high-school English teachers other than shrugging or sighing answers. I also routinely start sentences with conjunctions and end them with prepositions, but its generally deliberate.

As for the sex, I'm not a virgin, but I have worked in factories and observed the movements of the machines as they went through their graceless and abrupt, but nevertheless regular motions. This was what I was trying to capture with "bucking and jerking". I was trying to make the couple's sex appear as ugly, mechanical, and non-erotic as I could without using those words. But it could be that other words might express that idea better. I'll give it some thought.

BTW, moment and minute are not synonyms.

Yes, your interpretation of the story is correct. These three are caught in an endless cycle that keeps repeating itself. I'm not willing to say whether, when or how the cycle will be broken, but you might note that their passion and rage are gone and they're beginning to ask questions.

I appreciate you interest in this story, and I'm impressed that you actually wrote it out in order to understand it.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Raziel

I really like it. Heh sorry I don't have any particular critiques, as I never really do because I trust that the author did what they did intentionally for the most part. Every writer is different and some things are done for a reason, as Jimbob clarified. Aside from any minor typos there may have been, I think that the story is fine, and having to think for a while about the story is also fine. I rather enjoy that. It just makes the experience that much deeper sometimes, at least for me. I'm glad I read this story.

Jimbob

Bika,
Good to hear from you, and I'm glad "bucked and jerked" gave you the impression I'd intended.

Thanks for the title suggestion. I'd considered calling it "Purgatory," but decided not to for a couple of reasons. First, that would give it more of a specificaly Catholic theology than I wanted, and also would imply more about the eventual outcome than I wanted to give.

Appreciate your thoughts,

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Jimbob

Raziel,

Thanks for checking in on this and thanks for your kind remarks.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Mungye

I liked this very much. I am amazed that people say one ought to say this or that. If everyone said this or that according to a rule all the stories would be the same.
Jimbob knows what was in their minds, how they were feeling and supposed to reacte to what was happening. I thought the dead mechanical description was perfect, I would not change it.
For me the only thing to ever criticize about another's work is the little punctuation things. A body of work to me is like two people coming together to create a baby. It is the unique thing that it is, different from every other one that exists. Some of the finest writers on earth have had their serious critics but to me that was just them.
I really liked it and I would very much like to read more.
I am always reminded of what one interviewer said about the great Fred Astaire after he auditioned. " Small, balding.....can't dance."

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

jumbowumbo

After reading this story, Orson Scott Card was the first though that came to my mind. In The Changed Man, a book of short stories, he depicts moments of dread (you can read more about it here:
http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/c/...hanged-man.htm )

In one of the stories called "Closing the Timelid", the people are compelled to use the time machine in an unconventional manner. They send themselves back to their death. It's longer of course (15-25 pages), but there is a resembelence between your story and his. I think you'd enjoy it.

Jimbob

Mungye,
Thanks for stopping by to read and take a peek into Hell as I illustrate it. I appreciate your comments.

JW,

You've got me interested enough that I clicked on to Ablebooks and ordered a copy of the book you mentioned. It cost me a dollar for the book and four dollars for shipping, so I guess I cant go too far wrong.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Chris Miller

Hey Jimbob,

Thought I'd pitch my 2 cents. Nice little Sartran hell thing, like the guy in the casino who can't lose or leave, at first thinks he's in heaven.

The story is good, and what's told is told well. But it's more like an idea, needs to be fleshed out, delved into more deeply. As is, it's more of a wouldn't-it-be-creepy-if scenario (told well) than a story. You need to draw the reader in more w/ more character development and back story if you want them to take something real away from this.

Still, an interesting read. I too found your description of their sex very apt. And even though I'm a virgin (just ask my kids), I have seen it done on TV.

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the fairwriting blogs


"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!

Jimbob

Chris,
Actually, I never intended for this to be anything but a what-if piece that might might get the reader to ponder on what Hell might be like if, indeed there were such a place (or state of being ). However, I've had so many people tell me they want more that I might be tempted to come up with a revised and expanded version.

Thanks for commenting,

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens