Mungye

THE DATE

Lara Jene Buskins placed the new magazine carefully on her clutter-free freshly scrubbed vanity table.
With trembling fingers she turned each page, her eyes devouring every runway model from head to toe.
When she came to the end of the last page the sixteen year old sighed and closed her blue eyes. She imagined herself as one of those beautiful girls; now she had butterflies in her stomach from nervous excitement.
She put the magazine away with the hundreds of others stacked neatly in her walk- in closet then stopped a moment and listened.Somewhere down the hall, probably Peggy Anne's room, the sweet sounds of Pat Boone could be heard.He was so dreamy and a real gentleman.The perfect kind of guy to marry.
Lara Jene sighed. She envied her big sister Peggy, she had a real job at Gino's as a soda jerk. She could afford a neat new radio, not have to settle for mom's old one that crackled every two seconds. Babysitting didn't exactly make a girl rich.
The teen sat down once more at her vanity table and mentally ticked off all the things on her to 'do list' for her date.Long soak in a relaxing bath.
A facial followed by manicure and pedicure.Right, all done and on schedule.
Lara Jene turned on her brightest table light and studied her face critically in the oval mirror.
Roundish face with a hint of a pointy chin.Straight nose just the right length.Large eyes but sadly not exotically shaped like almonds, only very round and childlike.Lips a trifle too full and not in an alluring way either. For some reason both top and bottom lip had a rather strange shape to them and gave the impression she had too much lips, not enough face.
Her two treasures, jewels in an otherwise unremarkable face were her perfectly arched black eyebrows, thin by nature and never needing to have the dreaded tweezer applied;and her extraordinarily long sooty lashes.
She knew exactly how she would apply her makeup for tonight's date, the most important one yet. Page seventy four, the Asian beauty.
An hour later as she headed out the door,having left a note for her parents Lara Jene heard Mrs. MacKenzie from apartment 309 call down the hall to her"you look real fancy Miss Lara, real fancy. Have a good time wherever yer goin' ".
"Thanks Mrs. M I will".
At the Bay Lara Jene hurried through the revolving door, rushed across the marble floor toward the lift. Then she stood still a few seconds willing her pulse to steady, taking deep breaths. She fiddled with her bracelets and straightened her long slinky black wool skirt and matching short jacket, patted her upswept hairdo and put a slight smile upon her mouth.
The door to the lift opened and a young man smartly dressed in a navy blue uniform complete with pillbox shaped hat and tassle and immaculate white gloves with silver buttons at the wrist said" step in carefully please". He looked her in the eyes in a friendly yet formal way and she smiled and stepped in.
"Floor six please".
"Floor six it is."
The little light lit up , a pleasant sounding bell went off.
"Here you are Miss, sixth floor, ladies apparel and costume jewellry.
"Thankyou".
"Quite alright."
The girl began walking and then heard her name being called.


As she lay in her bed late that evening feeling snug in her new baby doll pajamas Lara Jene smiled at the stars she could see flickering in an indigo sky through her curtainless window. She hugged herself tightly and replayed a hundred times the way he looked at her, how his voice sounded.
Her whole body trembled with joy.
She knew exactly how she would look for next friday at seven thirty. The February issue, page two hundred and four. The Swedish beauty.
Seven thirty on Friday. The most beautiful time in the universe.
Because he would be there. In the elevator. He would open it up, their eyes would meet......Could any date be sweeter?
As she fell asleep she murmurred "December special issue, Brides of winter....page sixteen..........."

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

Novicewriter

I happened to like this short piece...although I was a bit confused at the ending, not exactly sure what was going on However it was a charm to read... Would love to see this expanded somehow...

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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Mungye

Thank you. What I wanted to do and perhaps did not succeed is to give the impression that once she walked thru the door of the sixth floor she met her date, but when you hear her thoughts in bed you see that her 'date' was imaginary, only in her young mind of pretend and just the lift operator's smile was in fact his love for her.Just like she lived thru the models she idolized and emulated, so too she lived in love with this boy in her imagination. And the bridal issue was to her immature thinking the natural conclusion of that train of thought.To me it was rather like a fifties movie.
I would appreciate any ideas of how I could make it more clear at the end.I offered this to two other professional writers for critique and they said nothing. I need to know.thankyou.

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

Novicewriter

Oh don't change or add anything...I figured this might be her imagination, which I really liked. It kind of threw me off when the elevator doors opened.... but now you've explained, it makes more sense

Are you planning on making this longer? Just curious is all...

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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Mungye

I am not sure. the fact is I work with at risk children, well right now one child and I am a writer by trade, but actually free lance news. So I simply sit down and write short stories to get rid of stress. I usually write them in about two minutes and move on. I just have stacks of them and don't do anything with them at all.
I was approached by some people and asked to write a series for children and have done so, am working on the illustrations.
But my love, my deep love is ancient Celtic writings, faerie stories and myths.So last month I embarked on three stories in the ancient style and am nearly finished. It is they I have aimed to have published, if worthy.I never gave the others such as this a thought.
Thanks to you though, now I will think on it.
Your kind attention is really appreciated.

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

invisibletoyou

It was pretty good. I enjoyed it although some parts did tend to confuse me. I could definatly see this becoming a book. Although you would have to expand it, it sounds like it would make a good book for girls my age. We can relate and I'm always looking for books like that ( about girls my age doing and going through things that we go through).

Anyways good job! Keep it up!

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*Tish*

Mungye

Thankyou. Could you be specific about what confused you, I was using a particular style and I noticed my older literary friends understood it right away. But I am not doing it for them. Any help would be mega appreciated.
I appreciate you taking the time to critique me invisabletoyou.great avy by the way.

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

Jimbob

Mungey,
I liked the descriptions and the way you express a teenage girl's dreams and fantasies. However, there are a few problems.

First, I'm a little surprised that there is an elevator operator. You mentioned that you wanted this to read like a fifties move, but if this is the case, maybe you should throw in a few more markers of the times - maybe have her listening to a soap opera on the radio or passing a theater where a Marilym Monroe movie is showing.

Also, I can't see why a sailor in a dress uniform would be operating an elevator in a department store, as expressed in this line :

>The door to the lift opened and a young man smartly dressed in a navy uniform<

It could work though, if you said " a navy BLUE uniform" and left out the part about the pillbox hat.

There are a few grammatical and punctuation glitches too. Here's one example:

"Here you are miss sixth floor, ladies apparell and costume jewellry.

"Miss" should be capitalized here, since it's a title being used in the place of a name, and it should be followed by a comma. There should also be a colon after "floor," and there's only one "l" in "apparel" according to my spell checker.

It's a good piece of work, but it needs a little more attention to the details.

Jimbob

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The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Mungye

Thankyou,
you are correct about all those things. And I realized that I had posted the unfinished work, not the finished one. Oh well, I will do the corrections now.
Thankyou very much.
It was supposed to by navy blue, and I did have something to indicate the era.
Thankyou so much. I have had too much on my plate I guess.I added the rest, what do you think, yes, no?

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

invisibletoyou

That part tends to be a little confusing. The first part of it seems to go on for a little longer then it should and then you say that she imagines herself as that girl, you should specify what girl.

Oh and thank you. I hope I was helpful.

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*Tish*

Mungye

Thankyou. Alright I just edited, what do you think now. I won't try anything more today, I feel so tired. But just as it is now edited , what do you think?

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

Glfralin

At first with so much focus on her features and dress for "The Date" I expected there to be a much fuller story. But, imagination is where young girls live much of the time. I like the fifties touch with Pat Boone and the jealousy of big sister, the uniformed elevator attendant. I really enjoyed the ending as well.

To this day many young girls live to look like the girl in the magazine or on TV. This really speaks to that part of it.

I was also afraid this would end up being a story about a shy thing who found nothing good in her appearance, but you have her finding her best features.

I think it is wonderful for a short piece. It contains the innocence that girls still had in the fifties and into the sixties.

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Simplicity is such a beautiful thing. Take a look at the simple things around you.

I will try to respond in kind.

http://wordsprings.blogspot.com/

Mungye

Thankyou. I looked up your profile and your words mean a lot.

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........

invisibletoyou

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*Tish*

Mungye

thanks little sweetheart. It is girls like you that make me want to write. Your honesty is so refreshing.

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Once upon a time in a place far far away..........