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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 10-20-2006, 08:44 AM   #1
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The Gods Breathed Deeply

Long ago, in a time before time, a goddess appeared. She was the first life form, the first to think and breath. With her gift of life, she created a mate, the first male god. Together they created the universe, and all that flourished in it. Each selected a world to create upon. The Great Goddess, Aedrith, laid claim to a green planet, one already in the process of creating life. The Great God, Goud Salra, with his mighty strength and stamina, took a planet that had been fresh from creation, its surface covered in vast volcanic fields and lakes, the sky layered with elemental gases.
Millennia swept past the star-crossed lovers. Aedrieth had created other gods to help her bring life unto the planet. Kreaqu, goddess of the far north, hunting and wolves, taught the early humans to worship her powers of the hunt. Gondail and Greand were the twin gods, both in an eternal vie for their creators love, yet loving each other immensely. Gondail, the god of longevity and stamina, was created to teach mortal man and animal how to survive in times of hardship. Greand, Gondail’s twin sister, was goddess of law and truth. She was assigned to teach all mortals the way of the gods, how to live in peace and harmony.
Shanain, the god of fire and the forge, war and weapons, taught early man how to harness fire. Eventually he taught the humans mortals how to forge and mine the elements. He was the origin of hate, the leader of the very first war. Long had he been at odds with his brothers and sisters, yet Aedrieth did not recognize his growing hate and malice. Before she could halt his actions, Shanain had passed his hate among the mortal humans, cursing them forever with his gift. Long after, Aedrieth warily trusted any of her creations, except for her lover, Goud Salra.
After many millennia, Goud Salra came back to his creator, empty handed, unsuccessful. The dead planet he had attempted to sow life upon was too unstable, too early in its own stages of beginning. As he hung his head in misery for failing his love, he saw the new godly creations of hers. It seemed to him as if she had moved on without him, and he became angry. Goud Salra plotted angrily behind Aedrieth’s back; the first of her new creations to fall into his grasp was Shanain. He gladly offered his services to the much older and wiser God.
One by one, they all fell to Goud Salra, his bribes and lies sinking into their minds until he had them wrapped about his hands. Aedreith had an idea of the goings on around her, for she had noticed a strain in her lover’s manner the moment he came back form his long isolation. Long hours spent mulling over what was brewing around her did not comfort Aedreith at all. Already she sensed a shadow growing amongst her godly creations. Her love for them all never wavered once; it was impossible for her to hate any of her creations.
As Goud Salra’s plans came close to completion, his nerves began to weaken. He began to question himself. What would happen if they succeeded in locking away Aedrieth, what would become of them, the gods? Mustering up all the mettle in his mind, he decided to execute the plan. The plan, later called the Great Betrayal, was to lure the Goddess into the third plane, the spirit plane. Aedrieth would answer the distress signal of a single, living soul trapped in the realm of the dead. The five gods found themselves a soul as dark as their plans, tempting him with pleasures of the flesh and other such objects of mortal desire. The man’s greedy ways could not pass this opportunity up, and who was he to oppose the gods? Gone were this man’s fears of the gods, who better to trust than the creatures that created all? When the traitorous gods had thrown him into the realm of the dead, they stood upon the threshold of life and death, waiting for Aedrieth to come to the greedy man’s call.
True to her empathetic feelings, she came rushing to the evil man’s aid. The group of gods all smiled at each other. Grabbing the edges of reality, they pulled the entrance to the plain of the dead close. The look upon Aedrieth’s ethereal face was more of a sad realization than anything else. Goud Salra laughed at her expression. Before the plane was closed off entirely, the trapped goddess laid out her last words.
“ This will be the last we meet, my love. Until the one of shadow and light shall free me, you may rule this universe. I dare say you will have a rather difficult time of it. When I am free, some of you may be punished for what you have done to me, and what you will do to others. Love can be violent as well as gentle, my children.”
They closed the gap, and left for the plane of life, all rather shaken up by their creators last spoken words. Goud Salra was not deterred by his lovers’ strange words. He was to rule all that she had created, with his laws in mind. It would be a new dawn that rose when the world turned upon its axis.
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Old 10-20-2006, 02:49 PM   #2
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hey Usukae Atsuri,
I liked the title. That's why I clicked on this story.

The story was cool. It's about gods, but their conflicts and emotions were very human ones, so I liked that a lot.

The ending was the best part for me. I'm not sure why. I just really liked it. I guess it was well written and kind of sad and kind happy at the same time.

The only thing is that right now you have more of a plot synopsis. This could be extended a few thousand words to develop the characters and plot some more.

A small thing to help readability is to double space your paragraphs because when you post you lose all your indents.
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Old 10-20-2006, 04:16 PM   #3
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I agree with gohn. The human qualities of the Gods added a lot. It reminded me of Greek mythology because of it.

It had a nice feel to it, certainly. I liked the little snippets of future references, like they would be worshipped and written about. That added a lot, too.

Like gohn, again (damn you, you idea-stealer), the ending, and the build to it, was my favourite part. It had a nice feel to it, but it left things more open than I expected. I mean, it feels like a prologue, a foreshadow to a judgement day of sorts.

I liked it, a lot, actually.

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Old 10-20-2006, 09:35 PM   #4
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I enjoyed this little myth myself, but I am left wondering what happens next. It's like a first chapter. You may wish to consider extending it. There is enough material in this to pick up in several chapters before ending with the words of Aedrieth are fulfilled.
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Old 10-24-2006, 08:46 AM   #5
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Thank you for the comments!

I appreciate the comments. I knew that I needed to add something, and you all have given me great insight on how to fix it. I'll try to add more to it, but NaNoWriMo is coming up, and I don't know if I can.......
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Old 10-24-2006, 04:06 PM   #6
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This piece had a very mystical tone to it... And it had all the makings of Greek mythology (the betrayal, plotting against the parent god, and human-like Gods who aided in corrupting man). So I liked it quite a bit, it was very easy to read and understand.

I like the ending quite a bit actually, and as it ends with a prophecy it makes this extremely similar to many creation myths in how it left it so open ended (as in a "someday kids, she'll come back and get vengeance on the gods" kind of thing). But I was wondering if perhaps you would add in more details... like what exactly does the betrayer offer the other gods to get them to join him? Was there a general dislike growing for the mother god? Little details like these can be neglected in mythological tales, but many times they are used as morals in a way ("and that is why the crow is black and has a horrible voice") and I think perhaps you would be able to make your own statement if you were to consider adding these 'corruptions' in. Like if you hate fast food the betrayer could have offered the other gods a double quarter pounder and that was why they fell to evil... And are they actually falling to evil? Perhaps this is my own foolishness but is one side supposed to be good and the other evil? The way I read it it seemed to me that the betrayer felt as though he had been betrayed in the first place... the only god you seem to make it very clear as being corrupt was the warmonger.

Just some thoughts, but really, don't take any of my advice if you don't like it... It is your style and your piece... and I liked it anyhow!
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Old 10-25-2006, 01:08 PM   #7
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This story has a lot in common with the Greek, Egyptian, and African creation myths, and that's exactly the problem. If you're going to do creation, you need to make some kind of departure from what's been done so many times before.

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