The Cafe Incident (about 600 words) - Writers Forum

Glfralin · 10-19-2006, 02:10 PM

The Café Incident

Pat pushed open the cafe door and hung her coat on the rack. She looked across the dining area to see her editor friend waving her hand over her head until Pat saw her. Pat walked to the table and said hello as she seated herself. She was exhausted already and sat with a plop in the chair. “Hi Janice, how’s your day?”

“Same o same o,” Janice said with a bored tone.

“Yeah, I hear ya there dear. I just wish we could mix things up a bit for a change.” Pat went on.

“I know, but you know what they say about being careful what you wish for.” Janice admonished with a teasing grimace.

Pat looked up and let her eyes travel around the cafe she was so familiar with. It had a spark of elegance to it with its regal blue tones and tables with plastic covered table cloths and small lit candles to add a warm feel. She noticed a few other people from the writing and publishing business that she knew. Looking back she saw that Janice had poured her a glass of the house wine and was breaking off a crisp bread stick.

“Shoot Janice, I’m just sick of trying to find a fresh topic for a story. It’s the same story over and over again.”

“You have been in a bit of a rut lately. The adventure has kind of vanished. I’d sure like to see you get that back.” Janice agreed.

“I’m just so dry right now.”

“Well,” Janice said nearly whispering. “What about a story about a writer having lunch with her editor in a nice downtown cafe when a man walks in with a gun and the look of a crazy man?”

Looking down as she placed her napkin in her lap Pat said “Good try Jan, but a little far fetched.”

“Not kidding Pat.” Janice whispered as Pat looked up puzzled. Following Janice’s eyes Pat saw that it was not a joke at all. There was a man approaching their table holding a pistol half hidden in his coat and acting as if he was just going to set down. But his gray eyes had the look of a psychotic as Pat could ever imagine a psychotic would look. His hair was mussed and an evil smile crossed his too perfect lips.

“Scoot over lady,” the menacing figure demanded of Pat. Pat slid over to the next chair and he sat down with his back to the rest of the café.

“What – do - you - want?” Janice asked the question halting from fear.

“I want you to shut up, and I want your friend here to give me her left hand.”

“What?” Pat asked too shocked to be afraid anymore.

“Do you want to lose a finger on your right hand lady?” He asked in low tones.

Pat held out her left hand to him, as he cracked a smile again. He reached in under his coat and pulled out a small object. “Marry me lady, or I’ll shoot you on the spot.”

Pat couldn’t hold it any longer. “Ok, Dennis. You got me dead to rights.” She threw her arms around his neck and gave him a big kiss. “Yes,” she said as he raised the tip of the gun to his lips and bit off a hunk of dark chocolate.

“I swear you two are the weirdest couple I know,” Janice said, “and that’s saying some.” But, her grin shown bright teeth of approval. “Congratulations!”

“Happy Halloween Jan,” Pat and Dennis said in unison.

gohn67 · 10-20-2006, 02:30 PM

hey Glfralin,
Nice simple story. The scene is written well. It works as is, but for me I'm left wondering so what? I would like to know these characters more, to get some context so that I can feel happy or scared for the characters in this scene.

Glfralin · 10-20-2006, 09:20 PM

Thanks, this one is really simple. It's not really meant to be a deep thinker, just kind of a surprise at the end. But, maybe it is too obvious and dull this way.

Foxee · 10-20-2006, 09:56 PM

Glfralin, hey, I read this and have to say you've got a nice twist there at the end, in my opinion that's the strong point of the piece.

However, maybe it's because I'm tired and being impatient but the whole first part of the story failed to hook me. I scanned down through it, searching for something to 'grab' me. I know that you are lulling the reader into a nice normal scene but it's almost too nice. Like 'nothing is happening', nice.

Maybe this opening part would be a good place to toss in some unusual quirk of the characters...something strange enough to make the reader read without upstaging what you have coming.

Anyway, it's a fun read, especially the last third.

Foxee

mwd · 10-20-2006, 11:41 PM

Haha at the ending. I figured there would be some twist, but I didn't see that one coming. A weird couple indeed.

Your prose is clean and simple. Not a bad thing at all, in fact it helps make your story nice and easy to read which is always good, although like Foxee I think I would have liked to see a little more stuff happening in the first half or so. At the moment there's no hook, really. Your opening is pretty flat. It does work to establish the mundane tone, of course, but I'm not sure if it's enough to draw a random reader into your story.

Like Gohn I found it hard to feel much for the characters. Considering this is only 600 words, that isn't too surprising, though. I'm not sure how well you'd be able to change this without rewriting the story and making it longer and more developed. As it is it's an interesting sketch IMO.

A few nit-picks:

Pat asked too shocked to be afraid
I'd drop a comma between 'asked' and 'too'.

hand lady?” He asked
'He' should be 'he', since all of this is the same sentence.

that back.” Janice
Period should be a comma.

It had a spark of elegance to it with its regal blue tones and tables with plastic covered table cloths and small lit candles to add a warm feel.
I'm not sure about the repetition of 'table'. I think it would work better if you said: It had a spark of elegance with its regal blue tones and plastic covered table cloths, and small lit candles which added a warm feel. or something.

She looked across the dining area to see her editor friend waving her hand over her head until Pat saw her.
The end of this sentence strikes me as a little clumsy. I know what you mean here, it just reads awkwardly to me for some reason.

Anyway that's all I can really add. Overall I liked it, and I think that most of the conceptual things I mentioned/agreed with are more functions of the type of story this is, rather than things you could readily "fix" without rewriting the thing from scratch and making it longer/more developed, so you might just want to disregard them.

Thanks for the read.

Glfralin · 10-21-2006, 12:10 AM

Thanks Foxee and MWD, I see what you are all getting at now. I don't think at this point I want to write a really lengthy version of this, mainly because then the quirky ending would be almost disappointing. But a good hook at the beginning is lacking. I'll work on that and thanks also for the edits MWD. I'm always glad for those.

Hakeem · 10-21-2006, 04:11 AM

Hey Glfralin, this was a very good story. You set a strong image from the first, and for some reason, the first lined grabbed me.

The story flowed well, but there were a few things that stuck out:

Quote:

But his gray eyes had the look of a psychotic as Pat could ever imagine a psychotic would look.

His gray eyes had the look of a psychotic; his hair was mussed and an evil smile crossed his perfect lips.

Very stimulating content indeed.

lil-leah · 10-21-2006, 06:51 PM

I loved how this sstory was written, like I love the idea of her telling her about the story wheb it was actually real and then the twist at the end i loved it.
I think everyone else picked up on the stuff I was going to say.
excpt this just a minor spelling thing I think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glfralin

There was a man approaching their table holding a pistol half hidden in his coat and acting as if he was just going to set down.

should it be sit there?

any way good work

Leah
xoxo

Fantasy of You · 10-22-2006, 06:20 AM

It was a nice little story. I can't really add to what's been said.

I agree with Foxee about the beginning. It failed to grab, and so I had to force myself to read on. I'm glad I did though, because the ending was pretty funny.

Quote:

Quote:
But his gray eyes had the look of a psychotic as Pat could ever imagine a psychotic would look.
His gray eyes had the look of a psychotic; his hair was mussed and an evil smile crossed his perfect lips.

I'd probably say keep it as is. People have their own picture of the crazy guy, and by saying he is hers, you've made a connection with the reader, allowed the reader to picture their own psychotic. If you take it away and simply describe his features, you've lost a connection, IMO.

So yea, nothing much to add. Maybe work on the intro to hook me earlier, and you're set

-Fantasy

Glfralin · 10-25-2006, 01:11 PM

Thanks everyone, I may just take the time to fix this one after all. I like the recommendations. It's good to get another's take on a story. I'll work out the hook at the beginning.

Jimbob · 10-25-2006, 01:20 PM

Nice twist in this story Gil. About the only nit I can think of that hasn't already been brought to your attention is in this line:

>as if he was just going to set down<

The word you want here is "sit"

Jimbob

Glfralin · 10-25-2006, 09:22 PM

Thanks for the heads up and kind words, Jimbob.