wis3on3

Ryan sat in his room with his headphones blasting in his ears. He was listening to ‘Left Behind’ by Slipknot. He was sitting on his bed, with his hood up, hiding his face in shadows. Angry thoughts filled his mind as he clenched and unclenched his fists. He often sat or lay on his bed, thinking of ways on how he could get back at the world. He recently joined Knight Online, an mmorpg. (Massive multiplayer online role-play game) He often spent hours training his warrior and killing other players. He would trick them by making them think he was weak, using a low class weapon and then switching it with a high class one. He would win most of the time, and when he wasn’t killing newbs he would train against ‘Snatchers’. He’d take the money and spend it on health potions to ensure his victory in every fight.
He had made many friends on Knight Online, and the various forums about the game. He also visited many literary forums. He’d post poetry on them and see what others think of them. His poetry was often very morbid. Some of his poems were about Knight Online. About him killing others or about what he has bought. Occasionally, Ryan would write a short story, but very occasionally.

The song finished and Ryan switched off his MP3 player. He got up from his bed and walked out of the room slowly with his head down. He looked into the sitting room and saw his older brother watching Naruto. “What a waste of time,” he muttered as he walked to the door.
Ryan got on his bike and cycled down the road slowly, scanning the street for any signs of activity.
At the playing field he could see people playing Nintendo DSs, shouting and swearing at each other. “Why do these fools do this?” he asked himself. His eyes glowed red.
“I don’t know master,” he said.
Ryan was not like other people his age. His body was home to more than one soul. He had two sides, both of which were very similar. There was Ryan, the one born in Scotland and whose brother was watching TV. And a demon, who had taken refuge in Ryan’s body.
Ryan became the hoe for the demon when he was only five. It was his third day at school, and Ryan had gotten into a fight with a seven-year-old bully. The other boy was twice Ryan’s strength and he pushed him to the ground with ease. The boy walked away laughing as Ryan lay on the concrete with his face on a small coin. Inside the coin was the mind of a demon, and the impact had split in two. The demon entered a cut in Ryan’s head and took over.
Ryan got up ad punched the bully’s back. The bully fell and his head hit the metal framework of the swings. The rusted metal bent with the force and the boy was knocked out. Ryan was suspended and was appointed to a child psychiatrist.

“Master? You seem troubled,” said Ryan’s demon.
“It’s ok, really,” he replied.
“If you say so.”
Ryan continued to cycle down the street, still checking for any form of amusement. He noticed a group of teenagers a few years older than him with cricket bats and stopped. He laid his bike against a tree and walked towards them. “Hey you,” shouted one of them. “What you doin’ here?”
Ryan’s eyes glowed red and the demon took control. “I’m here for some entertainment,” he said in his two voices, his demon slightly ahead. “Care for a fight, or are you too scared?”
The gang ran at Ryan and the leader swung his bat at him. Ryan grabbed it and pulled it away. He lifted the bat high and hit the boss’s head. His brain hung out a little as Ryan continued to smash his skull. “What you doin’ to boss?” screamed one of the teenage gangsters. “Hey, leave him alone!”
“What?” asked Ryan. “Why would I do that? That would just be stupid. And ruin my fun?” Ryan smiled and walked over to the others. “Guess what.”
“W-what?” stammered the men in almost synchronicity.
“I won’t kill you, but tell anyone, and I’ll be back,” replied Ryan, before walking back to his bike. Ryan smiled contently and got on his bike.
Ryan’s eyes went back to normal and he begun to speak. “Well, that was fun, lets go home.”
“Yes master, let us leave.”

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jumbowumbo

This sounds to me like your fantasy, albeit a sick and twisted one. I can infer you listen to slipknot and play MMORPGs. Don't do this. When writing a story, you should never associate a character's motives/ambitions with your own. Create a character from scratch, or base it off someone you know. You did not do either. Most professional publishers, when creating characters, will interview people (often people they don't know) and construct a character from the interview.

As for your story, there's not much there. What are you trying to tell? There doesn't seem to be much of a moral or even a vague reference of irony (slipknot and violence go hand-in-hand). Try being a bit more creative( in the less violent kind of way), and stray from telling your own story; that's called an autobioagry.

gohn67

hey wi3on3,
I disagree with Jumbowumbo. I don't see a problem with borrowing some of your own traits and adding it to your characters, especially because you're still young, and lack the real world experience that same somone will 40 years old will have. And it's always good to write about what you know, which can be done in many ways, through your own experience, through reading nonfiction, other people that you know, etc. All of that will be mixed with fiction. It's very hard to create a real character completely from imagination.

And when I read it I didn't think this was some kind of sick fantasy of yours, wis3on3. To me it's just you trying to come up with a good entertaining story that you would want to read.

Personally the story's content doesn't really appeal to me, but it probably appeals to you, and will to other people, especially other people around your age. And for me, I think for now, you should just write as much as you can, and learn to enjoy it, and you'll improve. Read a lot too, not just watching movies and television.

Just keep writing, wis3on3.
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Publishers? I think you mean writers. I'm curious where you got this information because I never heard this before.

But I definitely understand your point that one should avoid writing a thinly disguised autobiography, but I think a lot of times it's hard to avoid, and not necessarily a bad thing. But at the same time I see no problem drawing from our own experiences and meshing it with fiction.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

wis3on3

this story was half based on me.

1: i am NOT a violent person, although i tend to think that way, and dream that way... hehe

2: i DONT listen to slipknot often, that song was the only one i ever liked by them.

3: i USED to play MMORPGs, i dont now.

4: so basically, this is an old version of me with bits added... i think... i'm never too sure what i mean.

what is sick about it? please explain...

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KyleColorado

You keep on writing, you will get better (that's not to say that you are bad now, but you have room for improvement).

As for the protagonist seeming like it was based on you, I began thinking that right away, too. Although, it didn't bother me to the extent that it did to jumbowumbo.

One of my favorite books, The World According the Garp, is a fictitious story about the life of a man named Garp, but it's obvious at many parts that the author is writing about his own experiences. There's nothing wrong with that. You've lived moments of your life that seem worth telling, who's to say they don't deserve to be mentioned?

On another note, I think your storytelling voice could use some work. This could be accomplished easily by reading your work aloud. Your sentences don't seem to flow to me. I re-read your piece to see what was rubbing me the wrong way..and I found a very glaring problem. I'll just quote the first few words of each sentence so you can see for yourself:

You start 90% of your sentences in the same robotic manner. You don't talk like that (I hope), so why would you write like that? Try to make your written voice as personable and casual as you can make it sound, so your reader will feel less like he's reading, and more like he's engaged in a conversation.. being told a story.

At the end of the first paragraph you finally change things up a bit with the way you form your sentences with:
That was good. It wasn't robotic, and the repeating of the word "occasionally", although a little awkward, was personable and added a human touch to the otherwise dull narration up the that point.

Fortunately, from then on, your story begins to start "showing" rather than "telling", though it still needs polishing.

I hope I've pointed out some helpful things. I also hope you're not discouraged. Keep on writing, you have the imagination for it..

Kudos!

wis3on3

i see what you mean. I start most sentences with the word 'he' or 'Ryan' in this piece. when i re-draft it i'll post it and hopefully it'll be better.

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