Legends (bad language) - Writers Forum

ghost · 09-25-2006, 08:35 PM

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hey. SO im starting this story but all i have right now is an idea. Im just wonderingif someone can take a look at what iv written so far and tell me if im on track style wise -- does it read well, does it flow, is it sound etc. Im literally writing this right now so i may post more when i have time. But ill welcome any comments . Thanks. ghost

‘Burn the world down. Kill. Fuck. Destroy.’

The music was like ether, gently numbing Magnet to the boredom of his life. He leaned his head back against the wall, dragged on the fag. He was in the alley behind the shop where he worked nine hours a day, five days a week. His hoodie was pulled over his head, his mp3 plugged in and cranked up.

Fag breaks. There weren’t enough in the day.

Magnet wore black hoodies, chains, skater pants. He was a goth. And he was cool with being a goth.

Now he tilted his head, looked up at the sky, which was a dark gray. Tiny droplets of rain fell twirling, bringing a thin sort of mist. Magnet exhaled smoke upwards.

He was thin, tall, and gangly. He’d always been pale and sickly; and his hair was such a shade of black he wondered if there might be Asian blood in his veins – not that he could check seeing as he’d been raised in care and didn’t know the first thing about his real parents.

The first scream to reach him mixed with the scream of the lead singer from Scarface, the two forming a weird vocal harmony.

Magnet plucked the headphones from his ears, raised an eyebrow as he listened for it to repeat.

Silence.

But he saw something, or at least thought he did – something doubled over and animal-like darting past a window directly ahead. Possibly crazy old Mr Ajal darting for the loo, trying not to leave the shop unmanned for more than thirty seconds.

His fag had burned down to the filter so he dropped it, ground it under his heel. The world seemed so silent, and not just because the music was gone. The world seemed almost … dead.

There had been news reports all day -- the type of reports that had directly followed 911: hurried and sketchy – there had been incidents all over the world that were possibly terrorist related: plane crashes, boats sinking, buildings exploding. Magnet hated the fact that there wasn’t a TV at work, or even a radio. He had to rely on what little information he could get off the shop customers … and Magnet was not exactly a people person.

He was thinking about maybe smoking another fag when he noticed the little girl … at least he thought it was a girl. It was hard to tell considering the child had no face to speak of.

Gunther409 · 09-25-2006, 11:27 PM

Okay, you’ve got my attention. It was interesting, I’d change a few things. Mostly this:

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The first scream to reach him mixed with the scream of the lead singer from Scarface, the two forming a weird vocal harmony.

A lot of people wouldn’t know who the lead singer from Scarface is, you have to describe his voice and the “weird harmony” better.

thoughtmaker · 09-25-2006, 11:43 PM

sounds pretty good so far, i don't have much to comment on but i do want to know what is up with the no-face girl

keep it up!

TheListenerAndWatcher · 09-26-2006, 11:29 AM

I think it's Zombies, and I liked it.

ghost · 09-27-2006, 06:30 PM

ta guys. thanks for taking the time to read it an get back to me - i pretty much agree with your suggestion gunther. what im working on here is a potentially long novel that focuses on a group of characters who are trying to survive an apocalypse - magnet's the most intersting chacter i have in my head as hes the viallain. ghost