wis3on3

“Aah,” the boy giggled. “Save me.”
“Tommy!” shouted the other boy. “You’re not meant to laugh!”
“Sorry Joe.”
Tommy and Joe ran down the road as imaginary zombies stumbled after them. The two boys ran into the park and Joe tripped on a stone “G-go on without me,” he whispered, as the army of green skinned dead people continued to walk towards them.
“I won’t leave you brother,” giggled Tommy.
“Just a minute,” Joe told the zombies. The zombies stopped and sat down. “You’re not meant to giggle, what if zombies were really chasing us?”
Tommy burst out laughing. “I’m being serious!” said Joe. “I give up, ok zombies, you can continue.” The pale green men continued to follow the two boys as they ran.
When the two boys reached the gate Tommy stopped and bent down. He was breathing heavily as he held his knees to stop himself falling over from fatigue. “I can’t continue,” breathed Tommy. “You go on ahead, I’ll keep ‘em busy.”
“Ok,” said Joe. “You’re a good brother.”
As Joe ran towards their home, a zombie walked up to Tommy. The zombie touched the young boy’s shoulder and a shiver ran up and down his spine. Tommy turned his head around and screamed at the mouldy man behind him. The zombie groaned and his breath made Tommy have to hold his breath. “Take that!” shouted Tommy as he kicked the dead ma in the balls. The man doubled over and Tommy ran to the tree house in their garden.
When Tommy got there he saw Joe and they hugged. “Thank goodness you’re here,” cried Tommy.
“What’s the mater?” asked his confused brother.
“The zombies!” he whispered.
“What about them?”
“They’re real!”
The zombie walked up the ladder to the tree house. The two boys screamed as the pale corpse wobbled towards them. “Tea’s ready!” shouted their dad from the house.
The two boys looked out the small hole that acted as a window and the zombie vanished. “Coming dad!” shouted the boys as they climbed out of the tree house.
“Wow,” said Tommy, “that’s the best game I’ve ever played!” he continued, as a pale man watched from within the shadows, as he waited until the next time the two young boys played ‘zombies’.

wis3on3

please say what you think...

christine l golden

“You’re not meant to laugh!”
---where are you from again? This is such proper English----here in the south, "You ain't supposed to laugh!" when I saw you had done this a bit later on....---You’re not meant to giggle, what if zombies were really chasing us?”
---this is where I caught on---so in my mind, I could hear the boy's talking in their proper dialect and accent....(in the other group I'm a member of, the oft give a head up when British or other such language is used, it affects so much more than we realize and makes the reader aware of what small difference's to expect- expressions and spelling as well)
here you have a bit of a run of sentence-He was breathing heavily as he held his knees to stop himself falling over from fatigue. “I can’t continue,” breathed Tommy. “You go on ahead, I’ll keep ‘em busy.”
Just a suggestion, but a bit of rephrasing would be helpful here....several different ways to do it.... "I can't continue," Tommy breathed heavily, bent over holding his knees, fatigued. ----but of course, it's just a suggestion...
----here: The zombie touched the young boy’s shoulder and a shiver ran up and down his spine. Tommy turned his head around and screamed at the mouldy man behind him. The zombie groaned and his breath made Tommy have to hold his breath. “Take that!” shouted Tommy as he kicked --------
It reads as if the shiver ran down the zombie's spine....but I am sure that you meant Tommy......as the zombie touched Tommy's shoulder, a shiver ran up the young boy's spine....also....his breath made Tommy have to hold his breath....(needs a different word or rephrasing) ----the zombie groaned and a pungent odor was expelled so foul that Tommy had to hold his breath.....again, a suggestion and only one way to skin a zombie......
Saying all that- I did enjoy this small piece, and loved how you alluded at the end that someone was watching- implying of course that he might have been a zombie......Only needs a bit of tidying up, not much. Mostly clean writing, and I do like stories with kids- I have one on the site as well. (would love some suggestions from you , if you care to take a look) good luck on this piece. Is it complete?

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Junebug61753

wis3on3

i am thinking of adding to it, but i want to wait until others say what they think .as my mum read it, she pointed out a mistake, so i'll change it.
i have taken in what you have said and i will change it soon.

gohn67

hey wis3on3,
I liked the blend between reality and fantasy. I kept wondering if the zombies were real or not. I liked the ending with the zombie staring through the window because that makes me wonder if the zombie caught the kids if they would really be eaten.

The horror of the story was interestingly contrasted with the children laughing and giggling. I'm not sure what to say about it specifically, but it was interesting. It took out the horror of the story.

I think the pacing was a bit too fast for me. I think the story would be stronger if you slowed down the pace a bit.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

TruthSeeker

the title makes you predict the ending somehow, unless it was intently written, but still i like the last part of the ending most
works well for a TV ad. also - don't you think ; )

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-ts

crazyman

you missed the n in "man".

this is a funny story. i hope you finish it soon.