Cheese - Writers Forum

WisdomSeeker · 09-18-2006, 06:25 PM

Go ahead and bash this one.
Looking for writing advice, critique...
shoot it up and rip it apart.

This really happened...

(Diary of a Mother...page 632...)

CHEESE

"So, ya like that kind of cheese, do ya?" he asked as he approached my carriage from the express lane. I wished he hadn't. It made me nervous and I really wasn't in the mood. Besides, it wasn't any of his business whether she liked the cheese or not. In fact, it wasn't any of his darn business what she liked, when she liked it, or how often! What on Earth gave him the impression that I wouldn't mind him waltzing over here to carry on a mindless conversation with my little girl? She was only five, for goodness sake. It was just beyond me.

I remained calm. Only my eyes moved left toward him as he continued his intrusive approach. Then I gave a quick glance to the right where she stood, lips parted, eyes real big, glaring way up at his strange face. Stopping only a few feet from my carriage, he placed his hand smartly on his left hip. Glaring glaring directly into her eyes, with an uneasy smirk painted on his face, he appeared to be absolutely delighted with his own secret anticipation. Any remark she may offer would complete his day. He was just tickled with wait. Likely, he was full aware that with a five year old, anything goes.

I just watched her with apprehension. I knew her all too well. Including the fact that previously, she and I had held an extensive conversation about what her plans were, and what I expected of her when we got home. The cheese was used as a bribe. Now this stranger appeared to be in on it.

She stared up from behind the carriage, not even looking my way for direction. One hand holding firm on her side of the carriage, while the other gripped tightly to that block of air-tightly packaged, Wisconsin-Cabot cheese. With no hope for expression, she held her chin quite high and, bending her knees I watched her little body slowly sink down, down, big blue eyes, like a lazy sun, last to disappear from over the thin, cold metal horizon. She was just absolutely consumed with his large-ness...and she...was on her way into "hiding." I was happy with that.

After an extremely uncomfortable half a minute, it appeared that no response was forthcoming so, I made the first move. (I needed to break the head-banging silence.) Exhaling a large, obvious sigh, I snapped my magazine in front of me, and gave it my immediate and full attention. Now he had no audience and was quite welcome to take his leave. He took the silent hint and turned his large-as-life-ness self around, grabbed his question-with-no-answer, and began his return from Register 7 back to his spot in the express lane. Now I was thoroughly relieved and quite pleased. I could return to my life as it was...thoughts of a new house, what I might cook for dinner, and how I would explain to her that she could not eat that entire block of cheese in one sitting.

BUT...unknown to me, she wasn't done with her act. She did hear his question. And, when she realized that her audience didn't stick around long enough, and beg for her attention like she was hoping, she made her move! Without notice, she promptly jumped up from her grounded position.

"HEY!" She yelled, hand cupped to mouth. This immediately caught my attention. Of course, his head-turn, full body-pivot, and "what-do-ya-got-for-me" smile proved his attention was all hers, too...as well as all the people in and around aisles twelve through fifteen!

Once she realized that she had his full attention (and completely unaware that she had more than she had bargained for), she continued, still loud as ever. "Know what?" She asked. His anticipation was contageous. No change in the volume level what-so-ever, she finally answered his unabridged question, with her own unassociated answer: "Sometimes, I call my bum buttocks!"

You know I hid my face in my magazine...it was my turn to bend at the knees! So now we all knew her cheesey secret, and to this day, it still cracks me up!

Gunther409 · 09-18-2006, 08:32 PM

Interesting, not sure what to think. Two spelling errors though:

contageous is spelled contagious
and cheesey is spelled cheesy

It was mildly amusing at least.

One more thing:

smile proved his attention was all hers, (I don't think the word 'too' needs to be here. ->)too...as well as all the people

Chris Miller · 09-18-2006, 08:35 PM

Hey WisdomSeeker,

I thought it was written pretty well given that it is a cute anecdote that captures a child’s openness and honesty. It’s difficult to avoid having something like this become just a joke, like I get a handful of almost everyday and at the end of which someone usually faints. But I think you managed. Your ending is soft and genuine.

If I were doing it, I’d probably strive for a little more detachment and less telling. Show the guy’s an idiot, no need to tell us he’s intrusive. What he might be thinking is fair game. Someone specific he reminds you of, or something specific about the kind of person he reminds you of would work better than, “In fact, it wasn't any of his darn business what she liked, when she liked it, or how often! What on Earth gave him the impression that I wouldn't mind him waltzing over here to carry on a mindless conversation with my little girl? She was only five, for goodness sake. It was just beyond me.” This comes off kind of judgmental, repetitive and shrill, and does not develop your character in a humorous way. The cooler you stay as narrator, the better.

The story is sweet and funny, but it feels like you’re trying too hard to milk the situation at times, like you’re saying, “this is going to be really funny” over and over, almost setting yourself up for an anticlimax. You could probably shorten it a fair bit it without loss of punch.

The word, “carriage” totally threw me. I thought you were in a horse’s buggy. We call them grocery carts.

But enough harshness. I also really enjoyed it, especially the punch line and nice closing. And if you hadn’t asked for critical feedback, that’s all I’d have said.

Edits:

(problems switching between past and past perfect)
And, when she realized that her audience didn't stick around long enough, and beg for her attention like she was hoping, she made her move!
hadn’t stuck around… and begged

She did hear his question.
She had heard…

what-so-ever = whatsoever

"Know what?" She asked.
she asked (I’d strike this tag though.)

WisdomSeeker · 09-20-2006, 04:35 PM

Thanks sooooooooo much.
Well done bashers!
I haven't changed anything yet...but it's on my list...in the works.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

More, more, more, pleeeeeeeeeease.

I want to submit this real life to Readers Digest or something...or perhaps, just make it suitable to read the night before the 5 year old gets married!! LOL!

christine l golden · 09-23-2006, 03:37 PM

If you're sincere in wanting to send it to something like Reader's Digest, boy-oh-boy do you have some serious editing to do....I agree with what the others said- tell the story and leave your impressions of the man and opinions out of the piece...they look for quick, clean, deliveries of material (limited space- limited attention span for RD readers)
in fact, my first suggestion would be to just jot down the specifics of what happened....
while shopping with my five year old daughter....blah blah...bribed with cheese....minding my own business....stranger intrudes....
etc. etc....
but your last line is most wonderful.......I have kids myself, and while they were growing up I was constantly amazed (embarrassed) and enlightened by what would come out of their little mouths.....it's another matter when they become teenagers.............
thanks for sharing your story- and good luck with it.

wis3on3 · 09-24-2006, 08:25 AM

"Glaring glaring directly into her eyes"

this is the only thing that i think is wrong. You repeated the word glaring. either get rid of the second one, put a comma between them, or a full stop.