Amaris Dream

Fantasy of You

Try to put more interest into each sentence. I'm reading, and each sentence is like a hit on the head, driving me deeper into sleep. Look through the story, try to change every passive sentence. In this piece, look for the word 'was' and try to restructure the sentence so you don't need the word. 'Was' is usually a sign of a passive sentence.

I read the story, and I didn't really care about the girl. You make everything obvious from the begining, and she her personality is so bland, that I almost want her to die. Give her quirks and makes her more realistic. Give her things we can identify with.

Next time you write something, try not to think about films you've seen - I can tell you did here. It's extremely cliche, but it's okay as a first piece. Try to write something you know yourself, tap into emotion you;ve felt and use it, don't try and rip off films.

Read the piece aloud, catch where you stuttur and trip.

Hope I helped.

-Fantasy

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wis3on3

Amaris Dream

Sorry it took so long to reply. I was already fixing it for a few days well gramatically of course....and for some reason forgot I had posted it here.^.^

First of all let me thank you for taking the time to read my story and post a comment. I really appreciate it.^.^I didn't expect anyone to respond to my story that fast but I'm still glad you guys did.

One comment made me laugh a little:

"Next time you write something, try not to think about films you've seen - I can tell you did here."

This made me laugh because my story was kind of based on something that actually happened in real life. I just transformed it a little into a horror story (no there are no killer birds in real life!)...but hey! That was a hell of a compliment you gave me, horror movies make millions at the box office and are seen by at least thousands so...=D thanks a lot!

again thanks for reading my story and commenting!
peace
amaris

Chris Miller

For a first draft and probably a young writer, not bad. You focus on the story first and the writing second which is the proper order. The opening is believable because of the little details. I'm sure you'll thighten it up in future revisions. At least take out the "rather"s. Be assertive and assured when you lie. Lie simply, and with more specifics. I like the "fruits" comparison at the end. Making the "birds" symbolic of some more specific evil or thing from her past would give it theme and depth. But to do this you'd have to develop the girl's character and lengthen the story, which maybe you should try.

It is the mark of a talented writer to accept criticism graciously. I think you have potential.

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Glfralin

This almost sounds like an episode of Kolchak. lol It's not bad at all for a early draft. I think it would help to have some basis in legend or religious mythology that you could connect it to. I like the story idea, I think it can keep a reader on their toes. The first two paragraphs are important information and background, but if you could shorten them and maybe put some of the suspense in them by mentioning the murders from other areas and how she feels vulnerable.

I'd cut those first two paragraphs to the bare bones needed for the basic questions and add the suspense of knowing about the murders. I almost lost interest in reading it after those two paragraphs. I think those would be great in a novel, but its a little more description that necessary for a short story. That's just my opinion.

I only thought that I would call attention to one specific thing here and that is the word should be 'perimeter' not 'parameters'

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