Flash Fiction! - Writers Forum

BillyLiar · 09-14-2006, 01:20 AM

Here is an assignment I had for fiction writing class. It's "flash" fiction, meaning it must be less then 750 words. This one is about 730. Let me know what you think! Thanks! (disregard the bad formatting, I'm no good at putting paragraphs and indents onto boards)

“Holy shit… Marty, get an Epipen and an antihistamine drip going!”

The ambulance driver’s face was as shocked as I was after I had seen the mirror minutes earlier. The woman at Starbucks said there were no nuts in that muffin; she was a goddamned liar.

The whites of my eyes were now stoplight red and oozing green pus. My body felt like it had been bitten by a colony of fire ants. The cramps in my stomach doubled me over like a boxer’s punch.

All at once it seemed the double doors slammed behind me and suddenly I was stripped to my underwear, heart monitors clinging to my chest and back. Marty stuck a tube down my throat to keep my constricting air passage open.

My heart rate was wavering around ninety-five, that was until one of the uniforms stabbed me in the thigh with the Epipen. I felt the medicine flow through my veins. I began breathing sharp and shallow gasps. One hundred and ten, One twenty-five. My heart rate maxed at one hundred and thirty-five thunderous beats per minute.

“Am I going to be okay?” I choked out.

No answer.

Instead, No-Name rolled me on my side and told me about adrenaline as I felt a pinch on my shoulder. Within seconds my muscles sprouted their own agendas and started to clench and throb.

My heart was trying to rend its way out of my chest. I don’t remember crying, but I could taste the salt in my mouth.

“Hey buddy, is breathing any easier?”

It wasn’t.

“Hey Carl,” he yelled up front, “we’d better go to Morton, it’s closer!”

Should I be able to breathe easier? Why do we have to go to the closer hospital, there’s no rush…right?

My heart had grown tired and the sleep-inducing serum dripping into my arm soon came over me.

The last thing I remember was the bright sunshine and a burst of freezing air on my naked body.

* * *

I peeled open my eyes and took my first unhurried breath in hours. White stillness was all around me. A woman who matched the bed, the walls and my skin came in to check some instruments. Grey glue made my lips hard to peel apart and I was cement-cold. I tried to wrap the blankets tighter, but something was tangled; more heart monitors.

I had no idea what time it was, whether an hour or five had passed since my life-threatening snack. I heard the urgent but directed patter of footsteps all around me.

Somewhere nearby a man refused to be put in bed.

“I have a daughter!” he cried over and over amid a struggle. I never found out what kind of treatment would have denied him this.

I was comfortable, but had to relieve myself. All the excitement had engorged my bladder. Just in case I bit the dust, it would have one last, big, wet hurrah.

“Excuse me..?” Fell from my lips. No answer. “I’m fine,” I thought. “People around me need more attention.”

Then it started to hurt.

A louder call brought in a kindly looking nurse,

“Yes, dear?”

I told her my predicament and she detached the heart monitors. I carried my wires through a medical lobby. I felt like a living cadaver, lugging my insides to the next examination room packed with eager undergrads.

After the long process of de-clothing and redressing, I drifted back to my cloth cubicle.

When I pulled back the curtain I saw her.

“Tyler! Oh my god!” She started to cry, “I was so worried. I love you so much, are you okay?!”

She nearly toppled me over, but she was so beautiful. Her black shiny hair seemed to shatter the sterility of my white chamber and the tears streaked down her cheeks making her more radiant than ever. She was so warm.

* * *

Soon I was dressed and in a large, empty lobby. Thick heavy flakes of snow began to stick against the bay window. Neither of us said much, I just held her hand with both of mine.

Her mother’s car came into view. Holding onto the railing while walking out, you couldn’t tell where the flakes landed on my face. As I slowly climbed onto the leather seat, she asked me in that motherly, concerned voice if I was alright.

I just smiled.

Lorlie · 09-14-2006, 06:21 AM

Hey Billy.

Really well told. your descriptions are excellent.
This kept me reading right to the end and I too smiled at the finish.

Quote:

A woman who matched the bed, the walls and my skin came in to check some instruments. Grey glue made my lips hard to peel apart and I was cement-cold

Quote:

The ambulance driver’s face was as shocked as I was after I had seen the mirror minutes earlier. The woman at Starbucks said there were no nuts in that muffin; she was a goddamned liar.

Quote:

Her black shiny hair seemed to shatter the sterility of my white chamber

Quote:

I felt like a living cadaver, lugging my insides to the next examination room packed with eager undergrads.

Have quoted all the bits I liked best, but that said, I really enjoyed it all.

Well done.

Lorlie

slayerofangels · 09-14-2006, 08:22 AM

Generally I'm not that big into medical stories but this kept my attention right through to the end. Very well done, and with wonderful descriptions. But as I hate hospitals I can sympathise with the smile at the end. Great work.

Regards
Slayer

Chris Miller · 09-14-2006, 09:39 AM

This was well written and very believable. I'd say it's a true story. I mean, I'm pretty sure it is a true story, but I'd say it happend to you or someone close.

All through the second half I kind of thought he was dead and that this would be the big (cliche) ending twist. So I was relieved you stayed real.

Nice work.

WisdomSeeker · 09-14-2006, 09:52 AM

Great start!

I love this:
"A woman who matched the bed, the walls and my skin came in to check some instruments. Grey glue made my lips hard to peel apart and I was cement-cold."

Okay...and if you ever want to make this longer, I suggest adding a lot of information after the dark haired beauty enters the room and "shatters the serility" of the white world...and you leaving. (Understood you were limited to 750 words or less!)

Good read, nonetheless.
Hope you get an A...or a 5.0 or something groovy like that!

Wyndstar · 09-14-2006, 10:04 AM

This was an absolutely pleasant reading experience, right up to the very satisfying conclusion. You write the descriptions as if they were easy, written after the calm of having experienced this, and realizing everything would be okay. Nicely done.

BillyLiar · 09-14-2006, 01:33 PM

Thank a lot for the praise guys. It indeed is autobiographical, and quite a scary experience. I'm glad that something came out of it though, and I hope my teacher thinks it deserves an A as well!

gohn67 · 09-14-2006, 03:04 PM

I liked this too. Really liked the opening line. I would say more but I don't feel like rambling on and on today.

Hoot08 · 09-17-2006, 10:42 PM

The whole of it was good and even the ending was good. The begining really caught my attetion and wanted me to read on more. Good Work

Pat · 09-19-2006, 07:12 PM

If I had two heads and only one hand on each, I'd look something like those two right now! Maybe a bit less yellow...

Great work! I absoleutely hate word limits, my fingers have minds of their own and they usually just dont stop, so if I had a limit like that, my story would be atrocious!

Writing flowed very nicely, descriptions were very nice (and they gave me the heebie-jeebies) and painted a nice picture. Very deserving of an A!

And just so you know, I feel your pain. I have peanut alergies... it's not fun!

christine l golden · 09-24-2006, 09:50 AM

Just a point towards the defense of the woman at Starbucks...wouldn't have to be nuts in the muffin- it could have been made with peanut oil...or with people who have severe allergies, such as you described- she could have just handled something with nuts (but most likely the peanut oil) And I am sure by now, you probably avoid most Oriental restaurants like the plague....they use a lot of peanut oil in their food preparation. Hope you keep an epi pen with you at all times- and wear a med-alert bracelet.
I found only the green pus to be the odd factor in your story- green pus is usually indicative of an infection- not an allergic reaction. Swelling, rash, hives, itch- and the ever faithful respiratory constriction-(from the swelling of course)
Had a delightful reaction once myself- not nearly as dramatic as that- but when you described seeing yourself in the mirror- it was like a flashback to that episode in my life....I looked into the mirror and this lumpy, grotesque and spotted image tried to smile back---eeeekkkk---a quick trip to the ER solved that momentary defect. Never did find out what caused it though....and in thirty years it has not happened again...but I feel your pain.
Writing something in such a restrictive format- that does deserve kudos...

BillyLiar · 09-24-2006, 12:15 PM

just to clarify, it wasn't a peanut allergy. In fact, peanuts aren't nuts at all. They are legumes. think about it, nuts are seeds that grow on trees, but peanuts grow under the ground! just a little fact.

christine l golden · 09-24-2006, 01:52 PM

first off, let me come to the defense of the poor woman at Starbuck's...there did not have to be nuts in whatever you ate...could have been made with peanut oil, or even something as simple as her having handled nuts earlier (with the same gloves on, which I assumed that she wore if she handled food for public consumption)
Many don't know that even handling such things can be pretty dramatic for someone with such a sensitive allergy.
I was concerned with the green drainage that you stated came from your eyes- sounds more like an infection than an allergic reaction- but the rest definitely sounds like anaphylactic shock to me. Hope you keep an epi-pen with you at all times.
Impressed that you got all this in under 750 words- don't think I could manage such a difficult assignment. Hope you got a good grade.

Pat · 09-24-2006, 11:11 PM

Here is MY defense of the Starbucks woman:

She was an assassin. Be careful. (Just kidding.)