A petition for responsible parenting (R - Language and content) - Writers Forum

The Space Cowboy · 09-09-2006, 03:33 AM

Two days ago I set fire to my house.

Burned the whole fucking place down before the fire department got there.

The firemen sifted through the ashes of my life, but the inferno inside me still raged dangerously.

I sat on the edge of the ambulance bed. Officials were running this way and that, trying to determine what happened. They believed me when I said that I just woke up in flames.

In a way, that's what really happened.

I dont know what it was that made me snap. Maybe it was the way she came home smelling like dick everday. Maybe it was the way she showered and then ignored me every night. Or it just might have been the way she looked at me that morning. Who knows; all there is to be said is that it's all in the past.

She came home late that night, I could smell him on her. My invisible antagonist. He lives in a house of lust and shadow with my wife. My fucking wife.

We made small talk. Yea... she had to work late; no big deal. Very believeable. As she turned her back on me to undress, I grabbed the nine iron. One swing and she was out for 4 hours.

Her cellphone rang twice while she was unconscious. The phone identified it as "work", but I knew who it was. Does she think I'm just that stupid? Who the fuck calls a Sales Representative at 11 pm?

I tied her to one of the wooden chairs that her family gave us as a wedding present. I didnt have any rope, so I used some wire ties, a bike chain, and fishing line around her neck. It doesn't need to be stylish, just functional.

Functional, just like our marriage. Minimally fucking acceptable.

She was conscious before she was able to speak. I imagine she had a bit of a headache, I may have hit her harder than I really needed to. Well... at least one of us was putting effort into some aspect of our marriage.

Even if it was the story of its end.

She started making noise so I started slapping her. I don't think she quite understood what was going on because she got louder every time I hit her. I could see tears in her eyes. Even in death she's selfish.

She doesn't care about how she's hurt me. She doesn't care about how she's hurt our children, and she certainly doesn't care about how she wasted the last six years of my life.

Her screaming finally got on my last nerve, so I started shoving washclothes into her mouth. It took 3 or 4 before her screams became muffled whimpers.
Feeling like I had everything under control again, I decided it was time to dispense some justice. I picked the nine iron back up, raised it over my head and brought it down onto her forearm.

The impact bent the metal golf club, and with an audible snap her radius had shattered. She let out another long... muffled... scream, and then she threw up. The washclothes remained in place for the most part as some of it managed to dribble out of her mouth, but there was a steady stream of vomit flowing from her nose.

Disgusting woman.

Still crying, dripping with snot vomit and blood she looked pleadingly up at me. Her eyes lie to me. They lied to me every time she looked at me for 6 years. Six years of lies and all she gets is a few moments of pain. Not a bad sentence if you ask me.

Her arm had turned purple. That was quick.

...

...or was it? I had lost track of time. That's what happens when you reminisce. I left the room to grab some more fishing line for a makeshift tourniquet. I didnt want her to bleed to death before serving the rest of her sentence.

While I was in the garage her FUCKING CELLPHONE RANG AGAIN. I'm through with that "work" bullshit so I grabbed the .44 I bought a few days ago and blew that thing to shit.

I have to admit, the loud bang the handgun made startled me. For a moment, I felt vulnerable. Weak. Again. As that moment passed, it only fueled my rage.

I grabbed the fucking fishing line and wrapped it tight around her upper arm. She was still whimpering and crying, but was barely conscious. I hit her a few more times, and then slid my hand up her skirt.

Surprised, her eyes shot up at me. Slowly I rubbed her clit, and then penetrated her sweet snatch. I smiled as I recognized the mixture of pleasure and pain on her face. This demonstration lent a sense of finality to this whole process.

Back to the garage for the gasoline. I'm gonna soak this place down and leave her to burn in hell. My hell.

And after all that, I'm here. Hanging out, writing this on the only piece of paper the police gave me. The kids are at my mom's house. I'm sure she'll take good care of them, after all, I turned out fine.

Chris Miller · 09-09-2006, 08:24 AM

Hey Space,

Great story. Teeming with rage. Nice 1st person character study. (I take it you’re married.) I was kind of left wondering if the guy was totally paranoid, like his marriage wasn’t that different than many, and his wife faithful in a platonic, weathered sort of way. The gun is kind of a loose end though.

Even if it was the story of it's end.
its

I smiled as I recognized the mixture of pleasure and pain on her face.
The notion of her getting off in the slightest on his diddling at this juncture seems highly unbelievable.

But I have to say I enjoyed the read. Well done. Nice dark fantasy. Bet it was fun to write. I’m waiting for Wyndstar to write the other side of it, like where the fire melts the fishing line and she manages to escape, pissed and disfigured, and waiting for his release back into society. The War of the Roses on acid.

nae411 · 09-09-2006, 08:43 AM

Well remind me not to ever piss you off! Damn SCB that was freaky and scary. Great write.

Nae

Hound · 09-09-2006, 11:28 AM

I'm with Chris on the pleasure bit.

She would also most likely asphyxiate due to the vomit and rags, which pretty much kills everything she does after that part, and everything you do to her.

The last suggestion is a small one, you mention that the house burned down and that the firemen put out what was left. If a house burns down, they will let the fire burn itself out as there is nothing left to save, and it is a waist of time and effort.

I really enjoyed reading this, it was very well written. If you change a few things this could be a marvelous little story. =)

~Dave

snorrie · 09-09-2006, 01:19 PM

Well, for those of you who don't know, when a woman gets rapped, somtimes her body still reacts to stimulation. That's why there is a lot of guilt on the woman's part. Her body is betraying her. It still feels pleasure, believe it or not. So when he put his hand up her skirt, it is believable that she would get off, and at the same time show pain because her body betrays her. Just a tidbit of information that many people don't know. Good job Spaceboy. I may not agree with the content but the emotion you brought out in the piece was quite real.

The Space Cowboy · 09-09-2006, 03:40 PM

Chris - Thank you for reading, hehe, as a matter of fact, I'm not married (and if any potential spouses ever read that, it will probably kill my chances with them

) Thank you for catching my grammar, I'll be sure to correct it. Also, I had heard that a woman will feel pleasure even though everything else is telling her not to, although I admit it is hard for me to believe. Wyndstar can have at it!

Nae: haha don't worry, as a matter of fact I don't get mad easily. Thank you for reading!

Hound: Thank you for catching that bit about the fire. If he burned the whole place down before the fire department got there, than there wasnt much to put out. The vomit could have gotten around the rags, I did mention that they stayed in place for the most part, although maybe adding something to enhance it would be beneficial. Thank you for reading and for the critique!

Snorrie: Thank you for backing me up on that. haha... but what's disagreeable about a BTK story? oh wait... heh yea it is pretty fucked up isn't it?... Thank you for reading!

EDIT: Second draft now up! Also I'd like to name it something different so throw some suggestions at me!

Hound · 09-09-2006, 05:01 PM

2 = two

6 = six

And snorrie... it is not the forcible part that would halt the sexual stimulation, but rather the broken and bleeding arm, the vomit, etc. Rape is one thing... violent murder is another.

The last thing is something I didn't mention before. The gunshot would have been very loud, and would have alerted the neighbors and what not. That could play into the part where you then light the house on fire and they don't suspect you, let alone the fact that cops never show up to question the gunshot.

The fact that he is going to kill himself makes it so HE doesn't care about the shot, but the fact still stands that someone would have done something after having heard it.

I still love the last line, very nice. =)

~Dave

Fantasy of You · 09-09-2006, 05:25 PM

Quote:

As she turned her back on me to undress, I grabbed the nine iron. One swing and she was out for 4 hours.

I'm tempted to laugh, but then, that's not what you wanted me to do, is it? This is so melodramatic and almost lighthearted. I thought it was a joke at first! and that's not what you want. Fix it? Describe his emotions, his thoughts, him thinking he has no option, his impulsive behaviour earlier on, do SOMETHING. This is pathetically rediculous as is. It has none of the emotion I would expect to be reading, ot atleast, none that isn't forced.

Quote:

I imagine she had a bit of a headache

This is another 'should I laugh, no? ha.. ¬_¬' things. The tone isn't funny, and I get the feeling it's not supposed to be. And it's only funny because I get the feeling it's not supposed to be. I'm laughing at you, not with you, right now.

Quote:

She started making noise so I started slapping her. I don't think she quite understood what was going on because she got louder every time I hit her

Again. I'm actually annoyed by this point. What the fuck, man? 'she started making noise so I started slapping her'... right, so? Where's the emotion. Everything is so dismissive. This guy isn't real!

Quote:

Even in death she's selfish.

Can you say melodramatic? Okay, now, after all the annoying exaggeration and flippant actions, I know she is going to die... great..

Quote:

She doesn't care about how she's hurt me. She doesn't care about how she's hurt our children, and she certainly doesn't care about how she wasted the last 6 years of my life.

Excuse me, Mr Swing-happy Disgruntled Husband, are you trying to make a joke of of this story? Are you trying to piss me off, here?

Quote:

It took 3 or 4 before her screams became muffled whimpers.
Feeling like I had everything under control again, I picked the nine iron back up. I raised it over my head and brought it down onto her forearm. Hard.

I'm surprised he didn't shout timber! Jeez, this is horrible. You are trying to force me to wince or cringe or something at the fact he's broken her arm, but I'm not, because it's unrealistic. What the fuck! I'm lost for words at this. It sucks man. I never tell a person something sucks, but this does, and now I'm pissed.

Quote:

That was quick.

By George I do believe you have a point, Phillip. Now shoot yourself in the face with the gun that appears next to the conveniently placed wash cloths!

Quote:

That's what happens when you reminisce.

Ah yes, remember last time at the beach, when I hit you over the head with nine iron and broke your forearm. Ah, what pleasure I do find in recollecting old memories.

Quote:

so I grabbed the .44 I bought a few days ago and blew that thing to shit.

Wow, can you show me where you bought the magic box that gives you everything you need in conveniently placed places? I'd really like to have one!

Quote:

Back to the garage for the gasoline. I'm gonna soak this place down and leave her to burn in hell. My hell.

And after all that, I'm here. Hanging out, writing this on the only piece of paper the police gave me. The kids are at my mom's house. I'm sure she'll take good care of them, after all, I turned out fine.

Firefighter 1: Did you see anything suspicious in their?
Firefighter 2: No. Just a woman that had been tied and gagged and severely beaten.

Okay, wow. Where to begin?

The character isn't really, the situation isn't real. Everything is plastic, everything is forced, and nothing even hints that you know this. The character shouldn't be thinking so methodically if he's in a burning rage. He shouldn't be thinking things through, I shouldn't be so deep within his mind, because it sucks there, and makes things boring. Tell me his actions, to predict them, show me them, explain them, recap, and then draw me a pretty picture.

Shit, and Chris, I'm shocked that you found this enjoyable. Either you skimmed it and replied, or your bloated from dinner and your vision is blurred.

-Fantasy

Don't call me, we'll call you

Chris Miller · 09-09-2006, 09:50 PM

Geez FOY, funny crit, but unduly harsh. I like the emotional detachment. It was not at all melodramatic. I'm a little confused. You seem to be saying he can't get away with it. I assumed he was in no way trying to get away with it. I mean he's writing this on a scrap of paper the cops gave him. Not sure why the cops gave him anything, I thought he was in an ambulence. But still, kind of doubt he's trying to get away with it.

The Space Cowboy · 09-09-2006, 10:18 PM

Whoa, FOY. Maybe time to switch to decaf.

1)The emotional detachment is something I was going for.

2)Every item used in the story is a common household item! (with the exception of the .44, which I explained in story that he bought a few days earlier, implying that he had put some thought into this) Most common household items are in fact placed conveniently around a house. What a concept! Where do you live? a cave?

3) I was trying to invoke humor, although I want you to feel bad for laughing at it. Hence the term, dark humor.

IJS · 09-10-2006, 02:43 AM

Space Cowboy,

Man, that was morbid. Really though, it's the same sort of stuff I enjoy writing and I thought it was cool how you weren't afraid to say what you gotta say to make the story a quality, realistic one. I really enjoyed it personally, dude.

Aside from the thoughts above, I don't have anything to critique that hasn't been said before. Keep up the good work.

The Space Cowboy · 09-11-2006, 11:06 PM

Thank you IJS! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Wyndstar · 09-14-2006, 09:58 AM

I wondered why my fingers were burning...

Okay, FOY has a point about the man thinking back about what he'd done--I accept the detatchment. I've seen guys (and gals) blinded over less. The sarcastic tone comes in as a shield. But somewhere in there, the firemen are going to SEE that woman--I'd say early on and 'just woke up in the flames' isn't going to fly. He's going to get jacked up so fast, flashbacks are going to be the least of his concerns. To solve this, have him do his remembering as he watches the fire burn and the firemen approaching.

All the screaming and no neighbors calling the cops?

Yes, wire ties and fishing line will melt in low heat (unless they're apprehension grade). She'll be a bit burned, but she WILL get out.

The idea of the story and the main char himself are excellent. You communicate them very well. The piece itself has a lot of inconsistancies but are fixable.

I'd love to have seen her pop out of a flaming window while he was lost in his thoughts and drag his ass back in as the house collapses on them both.

Jiieden · 09-14-2006, 03:37 PM

Overall, I thought it was...well, if not well done, at least competently accomplished. The systematic nature of the narrative really clashes with the burning, emotive rage of the narrator - its bizarre, and does lasting damage to the piece, I think.

On a second, smaller note: its already been noted, but the line about pleasure and pain really makes little sense here. It very much kills the plausibility of her character.

Keep at it!

The Space Cowboy · 09-14-2006, 06:37 PM

The story is set in a rural setting. Farm style housing, no neighbors for miles (I know this type of place exists, I live there)

He's writing this from a police cell. He got caught, they gave him some paper to keep him occupied. If you read the sentence describing him sitting on the ambulance, it's in the past tense.

Thank you both for reading! I'm currently tweaking the story the get rid of the inconsistencies pointed out above/