eMb

First writing in a long time.

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The couple sat on their porch overlooking their vast backyard in their white tennis shirts and shorts under a large umbrella covering a small table to read magazines or even have a meal if one wished. They’d been married for a couple years now, childless because they decided having children would be a waste of their own resources. It was sprinkling slightly but they didn’t mind; it felt nice after an invigorating game of tennis.

John lifted his can of cola from the table and took a drink from it as he listened to his wife speak, though not listening very intently. He mostly took peaks at her legs and chest every few words.

“Last week an old friend from high school invited me to her home,” said his wife, Linda. She rolled her eyes as she continued with her story. “It was so filthy inside! She let some disgusting rat dog run wild around the floor while her children lay on the ground playing who-knows-what electronic video game.

“It smelled like those cheap air-fresheners you would buy at a grocery store, if you ever went to one. I can’t imagine how anyone could live like that. She wore a bland green tank-top and some tight jeans that you could tell she bought at some outlet mall. Ha!” she laughed to herself as her husband looked at her legs some more. He lifted his soda and took another long drink from it, sighing after a big gulp.

“The other side is so disgusting, I can’t imagine ever living like that,” remarked John and he lifted his soda one last time in the rain. He took a longer drink than before, finding himself strangely thirsty. Must be all this leering I’ve been doing, he thought to himself as he set the can down on the table. He swallowed his drink as he watched a large fly crawl out of the hole of the can and fly off into the yard.

aliceedelweiss

IMO both 'very' and 'mostly' are sort of...uncertain words. I try not to use them, unless its dialog. And I'll explain why. You either are listening intently, or you aren't. like wise you either do take peaks, or you don't. You can't 'mostly' do anything. Well, now that I think of it, very isn't an uncertain word. but, you're a writer! You can come up with a better word than very

I don't understand how this could be going on at the same time, if the he is drinking, the opening hole is to his lips, and it would be rather hard to see it, so much as allow the fly room to 'crawl out'. You know?

I like it, it was cute. I liked how you called them 'rat dogs' I tend to call dogs rats a lot. One thing I didn't get, why did he keep staring at his wife? Personally, if it doesn't lead to anything or you don't mention it other than 'he looked at his wife' it doesn't do much for the story. But I did like it for how short it was! conveyed a very stuck up culture.

Alice

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gohn67

I could tell that the man and women were snobby through their dialogue and because they were playing tennis on their own home court. You did a good job of showing it rather than telling. I like the wife's reactions to her friend's house. It was so petty and made me dislike her.

Interesting last sentence. I like it. I think it could be more poetic, more stronger. But I like it because it does show a kind of hypocrisy or irony. A fly coming out of the can is definitely something the wife would have found disgusting. I'm sure. So I thought that was a nice image to end.

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Wyndstar

I really liked this. The writing was strong, it didn't leave me with any questions, the point, subtly made. The couple so detatched and thinking they are better. Nicely done.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

Hound

"sprinkling slightly"

I don't care for that, both because of the alliteration, and because "sprinkling" implies a light rain, slightly is both awkward and simply unnecessary. If you feel you must include a word there, then I suggest lightly, however bland it is, because it rids you of the alliteration and fits better.

"The couple sat on their porch overlooking their vast backyard in their white tennis shirts and shorts under a large umbrella covering a small table to read magazines or even have a meal if one wished."

You go from describing the couple, and what they are doing, to describing the table in the same sentence. Either split it up into two sentences, or better yet, make it flow by saying something along lines of the fact that the couple ARE reading magazines and/or ARE eating.

"It smelled like those cheap air-fresheners you would buy at a grocery store, if you ever went to one."

The jab at the man in the end of this line is unfitting. When I read it I thought it was going to grow into an argument, or be followed by more quasi-insults, but it wasn't. It was all alone and out of place within the rest of the dialogue, or rather monologue.


I didn't mind the ending, but if it was supposed to stand for something, or mean anything to the reader, its purpose was lost on me. If it was simply how you decided to end the story, then it was fine.


You did a fair job of showing how some of the rich often act with an air of superiority for such a short piece, but it was rather short, and didn't accomplish anything except for this very brief insight into their lives. Nevertheless, with a few little edits it could be a very nice, short, short story.

~Dave

eMb

Thank you all! This is like, the first writing I did in a long time and it was written in maybe five minutes but thanks for the reviews! I'll revise it.

Chris Miller

Well written, too subtle to be cliche. And sadly, the characters are real enough. Except for they guy leering at his wife. I take it they're newly-weds or something, which kind of makes me wonder how they got to be middle-upper class already.

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eMb

I took out all the leering and rewrote it. Maybe you could read the "final" version if you'd like, no need to though because I got all the reviews I wanted

retitled to UPPER CLASS

The couple sat on their porch overlooking their vast backyard in their white tennis shirts and shorts under a large umbrella covering a small table to read magazines or even have a meal if one wished. They’d been married for a couple years now, childless because they decided having children would be a waste of their own resources. It was raining slightly but they didn’t mind; it felt nice after an invigorating game of tennis. John lifted his can of cola from the table and took a drink from it as he listened to his wife speak, though not listening very intently.

“Last week while I was doing some early-morning jogging, an old friend from high school invited me to her home,” said his wife, Linda. She rolled her eyes as she continued with her story. “It was so filthy inside! She let some disgusting rat dog run wild around the floor while her children lay on the ground playing who-knows-what electronic video game in their ugly pajamas, at seven in the morning! Imagine!

“It smelled like those cheap air-fresheners you would buy at a grocery store, if you ever went to one. I can’t imagine how anyone could live like that. She wore a bland green tank top and grey sweatpants that you could tell she bought at some outlet mall or even a ‘Wall Mart’. Ha!” she laughed to herself as her husband chuckled lightly to feign attentiveness.

“The other side is so disgusting, I can’t imagine ever living like that,” remarked John and he lifted his soda one last time in the rain. He took a longer drink than before, finding himself strangely thirsty. That tennis game must’ve been longer than I thought, he thought to himself as he set the can down on the table. He swallowed the soda after holding it in his mouth a small while, savoring the flavor, and watched a large fly crawl out of the hole of the can and fly off into the yard.

Chris Miller

I like this one a lot better. It strikes me as more subtle and real. Of course it could just be that the "editor" in me likes the taste of water better after I've pissed in it.

Opening with "the couple" is unnecessarily vague. Stories that begin with "He stood on a dark corner" or "The woman paid for her drink and pushed back her stool" seem like artificial attempts to garner suspense. But the effect on me is just the opposite usually. Like if this is your idea of suspense (not letting me know who your character is) then you must be pretty tapped idea-wise. In other words (sorry to ramble) I think you should just begin, "Jonh and Linda sat on their porch..." and then use pronouns in the interest of efficiency only.

I don't quite understand the final paragraph. Everything in a short flash like this should be meaningful. And it seems like the can of cola/soda, which is mentioned in the 1st paragraph and so strikes me as a motif or symbol, should have some special deeper meaning. If so, I couldn't find it.

But, all my whining aside, nicely written exercise. Time to try a longer, more composed narrative I'd say.

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eMb

The cola means nothing dude. It's just a story with an ironic, unexpected ending.

Thanks for the second review!

mwd

I liked it, and can definitely see an improvement between this and the original.

The first sentence is pretty convoluted. That was probably your intention, but it still threw me for a moment. Maybe because of the some of the awkward word usage, like 'a small table to read magazines'.

There are some places you can probably trim your word count without sacrificing detail:

of their own resources
you can cut 'own'

lifted his can of cola from the table
can probably cut 'from the table'. where else would he lift the can from?

chuckled lightly
i'd cut 'lightly'

Chris Miller

Explain the irony, to me it's pretty straight forward. I like endings that end on descriptive banalities. Hmmmm... okay, I see. They've been dissing other poor slobs and it turns out he's been chugging from a can of pop with a fly in it. Ha, I get it.

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strangedaze

yikes. your first sentence was a lengthy clusterfuck compared to the piece's otherwise concise nature.

im a big fan of being subtle. i cant tell if this piece hits a homerun in that regard, or if the scene described is straightforward to the point of banality. i dont think im comfortable with the latter, so ill just say nice work on bringing the characters to life.

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wis3on3

This is hard to read. You need to split it into at least two sentences or at least put in some commas.
eg. The couple sat on their porch, overlooking their vast backyard in their white tennis shirts and shorts under a large umbrella, covering a small table used to read magazines or even have a meal if one wished.
something like that would be better.

that is all i could pick up. over all, it is a pretty good piece of work.

wis3on3

i added and removed commas to make it better, and i didn't use "EDIT" because it wont work for me...