Ilan Bouchard

___ “Forgive me Father. I’m not a religious man so I ask you spare me any guidance involving God or Mother Mary or any of that. I’ve sinned and though I’m an atheist—or a heathen, whatever you want to call it—I can respect a man of faith like yourself. I need guidance; I need help.”
___ “Go on.”
___ “For the past year I’ve been seeing a women, or rather sleeping with her. Having sex with her, that is. A pretty little thing without a thought in her head, or perhaps plenty to think about; I’ve never bothered to find out, you see. You see, I’ve never bothered to find out much about her at all. She approached me one day and we went up to her apartment and I left an hour or so later and came back every week after that. And that’s how it’s been for the past year, Father, a bit less than a year, really.
___ “And all the while she loved me more and more, but not once did I tell her I loved her back, not once, no, because I didn’t. Just a little figurine, it’s the only way to describe her, really.”
___ “Do you feel you are using her?”
___ “Oh, it’s more than that, Father. I could have loved her, I think, if I chose to. Even after a year’s time I couldn’t tell you a thing about her, but I could have loved her if I tried. I’m certain of it, yes, there’s no doubt about it, because it wasn’t her fault, you see, she did anything for me, anything. But I never loved her because I never loved anyone, never really loved anyone. How could I love someone I don’t trust, after all? And I don’t trust people, never have, I could never bring myself to trust anyone, not even you. Not even you, Father, you must see that. Hell—I shouldn’t use such a word here, should I?—hell, I could never bring myself to say these things to you normally, that is, under normal circumstances. Without a drink in me I’d be stone-cold. That’s perhaps why it’s called ‘stone-cold sober,’ yes, that could be it.
___ “Father, a church just down the street from a bar is a silly thing, a very silly thing, you ought to know that. But then it’s just my luck, isn’t it, to be sitting in a bar drinking myself to death, how else would I have seen it, after all? The church, that is.
___ “But not so drunk as to forget what I’m saying, no Father, you still need to hear about the girl. Did I tell you her name?”
___ “No.”
___ “Carlin, then. Her name was Carlin and just the prettiest little thing you ever saw, and she loved me, God she loved me. But it’s too late for anything now, isn’t it, because she decided enough was enough and I had my chance and by God I should have taken it, but it’s too late for that now—just listen to me now, crying in a church—I suppose, Father, I suppose I just need your guidance, as I said; what am I supposed to do?”
___ “Speak to her, my son.; speak to her with the same sincerity you spoke to me.”
___ “I can’t.”
___ “Write to her, then.”
___ “I can’t, Father.”
___ “Why not?”
___ “She’s killed herself, Father.”
___ Silence.
___ “Oh, if you could have been there, just seen her that last time like I did, she was so beautiful, just lying there. Not a mark on her body, just the pills and sherry—sherry!—showing me how she did it.
___ Sobbing.
___ “And it was just this morning, Father, it was just this morning, and I killed her, I used her and by God I killed her, just like that.”
___ Sobbing, now.

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Hound

See... this is what you get for being an Atheist... your girlfriend kills herself. God isn't in your life, so trust never forms in you, and it kills your girlfriend.

Shows how everyone finds God in death though.

=)

Very nice writing, dialogue was yummy. I have no suggestions for improvements.

~Dave

Hakeem

Hello Ilan.

The character clearly asked that he wants to guidance and for the father to spare him any. It doesn't make sense if he asks for guidance where he refused requesting it in the first place.

I ask you to spare me ...

I’ve been seeing a women, or rather sleeping with her--having sex with her that is.

Repeating.

Loved this sentence.

After all, How could I love someone I don’t trust? I don't trust ...

Typo?

A very nice short story. From the beginning, you strike the reader with a good impression. The flow is great and the emotion is very strong as well. Yet I found that the paragraphing was confusing.

It's too short. I think it should be longer, with more history and situations between him and her.

The ending is marvelous.

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Ilan Bouchard

Dave: Thanks for reading and commenting. Damn all those atheists to hell, eh?

I'll be sure to rework this bit; thanks for pointing it out. I didn't like the use of "guidance" any of the times in there because it struck me as cliche but I wasn't quite sure what to put in place of it.

I intentionally had the character use sloppy grammar and repetition; I would never write a narrative like that but the guy is drunk and on the verge of a nervous break-down, so speaking properly isn't one of his priorities.

Thanks for catching that.

Thanks for critiquing the piece.

I was worried about that. All but four words is dialogue, and the character's monologues force me to break his dialogue up some. I was hoping his colloquialism would make it apparent that he was the one speaking, not he priest. Any ideas on how to make the paragraphing more clear? (I was considering putting a line of space between the character's and the priest's lines, but the last bit of dialogue looked goofy all spaced out like that.)

I was just messing around last night and came up with this, so not much thought went into it. I'm hoping I can somehow incorporate a myriad of my short stories into a novel, somehow, as most of them seem to lack the necessary background information.

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Hakeem

The colloquialism was pretty clear. I was actually going to comment on it earlier, how it was adjutant to the differentiation between the two dialogues.

Considering that there were only four words of narrating, I guess you should add a little bit more, preceded by a space, by this it would at least break the whole piece up. Structure-wise, it is uncalled for to add a space between the two dialogues, yet I think you should ... makes this much easier to read.

If they are related then it would make a great idea, though I would work on them [give them the proper slight background], and put them all in one book.

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Atom

Reminded me of this story:
http://www.rapflava.com/forums/confessional-112695.html

Not much to say about it, the story was pretty decent. The dialogue was realistic. The ending came out of nowhere though and i dont like how you put "silence" and "silence,now" and all that. The priest had no depth and the main character who you tried to put depth in, came to me as unrealistic.

The story was enjoyable, so good job and keep sending in short stories- oh and the link i sent you. Maybe that is you on a different site? The stories were kinda similar.

If you have the time, please check out the next SSC hosted by Brandon K. (my brother)


Edit: Just noticed the stories aren't that similar. Lol sorry.

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Short Stories:
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Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

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FrankBlissett

Ilan,

Very nice dialog! The mood/theme reminds me a lot of a Dosteovsky short about a pawnbroker and his wife. Can't remember the title though - "Gentle Creature"?

I almost wonder if the first "sobbing" couldn't be put a better way - ie "sniffling" or "quivering"? Hmm - maybe not.

At any rate, a good read.

-Frank

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Ilan Bouchard

Hakeem: I'll experiment with what you said and see what turns up.

Atom: Nope, I didn't write the story on the other forum.

I didn't want to put too much weight on the priest, except perhaps at his shock by hearing that she killed herself. What struck you as unrealistic about the character though?

Sorry; what's SSC?

[EDIT2: I assume SSC stands for "short story contest," yes? Do you mean one here or on the other forum?]

EDIT:

Heh, you got your critique in as I was responding to the others', FB.

Thanks for responding. I'll take a look at the Dosteovsky story if I have time and can come across it. I'll take a look at the first "sobbing"; I had used the word even earlier and then cut it because three times was too much. I like mentioning it twice because it puts his last sentence in the midst of sobs, but I'll see if it can be improved. Thanks again.

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Wyndstar

Ilan, sorry I didn't comment--I'd started reading this earlier and got interrupted and waited for another opportunity. I love stories that are primarily dialog. They force my concentration solely on the situation so I don't miss any nuances--and this was very well written. I'm not sure I enjoyed the last sentence, but more because it marked the ending. I found his ambivalence in being with the priest perfect--someone on the edge not sure which way to fall--nicely done.

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Ilan Bouchard

Wyndstar: Thanks for reading, man. I'm not sure what you mean by not liking the last line due to its marked ending, but if you clarify I will investigate the ending further.

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Chris Miller

The voice is strong and readable. The character is weak. I don't mean badly done, just a weak person. Couple this with his arrogance and you have a pretty unlikable guy. So I guess we're meant to identify with and feel for the dead girl, the one "without a thought in her head," but who still feels compelled to suicide. But all we know about her is that she loved this jerk. I have no inkling how either of them came to be the way the are, so it's not clear what I'm to take from it. There is a nice sort of shock at the end. But there's no way I could've seen it coming. Nice exercise in 1st person dialogue/narrative voice though.

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Ilan Bouchard

Chris: You got the right message out of the story. Maybe if I developed the character further past this little story I could get some sort of repenting from him and make him more likable. Thanks for the analysis/critique.

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aliceedelweiss

I won't go through all the boring details. I liked it a lot! You do amazing work, Ilan, you know that? It was really good, the description and the emotion and the story. You really should be published by now, that's amazing. I saw nothing wrong with it.

Alice

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Ilan Bouchard

Alice: Thank you very much for the positive critique. I think I've only submitted to a few magazines in the past, until I realized I don't have much desire to be published. Maybe years from now when I've polished my craft and I have lots of written material.

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gohn67

hey Ilan,

I enjoyed it.

I liked the dialogue. It was entertaining to read because you have a good voice going for your character. He sounds, in speech, old fashioned, not sure if that's the right word, but he doesn't speak in a contemporary voice. So I wonder when this takes place, not that it really matters. I like how he keeps repeating himself, or it seems like. I think this is due to him knowing nothing about her and being only able to talk about himself. Though he does know her name.

The one thing I did not understand was why she killed herself. I assume from her loving him so much and him not loving her back. But I'm wondering what the turning point was to her decision.

I did kind of like the character. He sounds somewhat sympathetic but also he sounds kind of sarcastic/melodramatic (which could mean that the whole story he is telling the priest is bs). However I don't think the latter is the case, and the tone was more due to you choice more dated speech mechanisms.

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