Ilan Bouchard

gohn: Glad to see you reading my work. (Nice icon, by the way. The only person who comes close to Batman is Robin.)

I suppose the dialogue would be mid 1900's, or so. I didn't have a specific time-period in mind, I just wanted a man who was otherwise an eloquent speaker having trouble organizing his thoughts. A man who is used to being in control of everything losing control of himself.

I would like to hear more about what you mean by his tone of voice, though, as I hadn't thought it was noticeably uncommon (I was aiming for distinct).

If I ever edit or re-write this I'll try to work something in that pushes Carmin over the edge enough that she kills herself, though the greater reason is indeed her unrequited love. At the same time, I like the idea that the character is too unaware of others to even notice he is leading at least one of them towards suicide. (I also worry making specific mention of a recent event might allude to her suicide before it's due.)

Thanks for responding.

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gohn67

I'm not quite sure what you are asking. But I think know.

I think his tone of voice is uncommon to me because it does not sound contemporary (I'm not implying that it should sound contemporary because I really liked the character's voice).

I relate this tone of voice to either a more dated voice (you mentioned mid-1900s) or a mocking sarcastic voice though I am not sure why I that is.

I think when I said speech mechanisms, I meant the syntax of his speech. Also it could be due to how I read the story personally.

Anyway I do not think there was anything wrong with it all. I think that really made the story more enjoyable to read, though again I'm not sure why.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Ilan Bouchard

Very interesting. I've always been pretty awful at dialogue which is partly why I wrote this one. Hopefully I can develop characters' voices more effectively in the future.

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wowzer77

That was extremely good. Not much more to say, really.
You say you don't want to be published, but I think it would be great for others to get to read your work. And I think it's worthy.

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The Cold in Kingstad--Ch.1-2-3

ms. vodka

interesting piece, ilan.

i'll leave it to those more qualified to remark on the technical aspects of this piece.

i liked it.

for some reason, i could imagine it as a scene in a movie... i don't know, maybe something with a bunch of short stories linked together somehow. but i was thinking that mark wahlberg would be excellent to play the part of the man confessing. can't you just hear it?

i can.

anyway... well... yah.

jen

Ilan Bouchard

Eventually, I will seek publication. For now I'm more interested in improving my writing and finding my own style.

I definitely pictured it in a choreographed setting. Not Mark Walhberg though... maybe Keanu Reeves? Christopher Walken? Mel Gibson? (Actually, I can see Mel doing this pretty well. Just look at this face and tell me it doesn't just scream confidence, sorrow, and craziness. I can see him in the confessional booth already).



Thanks for the critique, both of you.

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ms. vodka

okay, but wasn't there a scene with mark wahlberg in a confessional in basketball diaries?

so maybe that wouldn't be good. we don't want to typecast the poor dear.

i see our character as a bit younger than mel though.

perhaps you could play him ilan?

Ilan Bouchard

Perhaps, perhaps. (Mel is certainly too old. And too crazy, now.)

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