On the Same Page - Writers Forum

huitzil · 08-01-2006, 09:01 PM

Hey I'm playing around with points of view. Along with other feedback, I was wondering if you think the two paragraphs should be switched with eachother, I'm not sure if it would have a better impact that way.

He liked that she didn’t notice at first that he sat closer than yesterday. Today feet touching, tomorrow, knees, and next week’s location was an impossibility. It was around the time when she started correcting people for not using her full name, and when he would fake poor eyesight to get a seat closer to her. Their story was glossy under the pages of a seventeen magazine and hummed to the trendy beat an indie music soundtrack. A summer of awkward silences and hesitating good night kisses was just three inches from him. His foot closed the gap and jean brushed khaki and cafeteria mashed potatoes did not really taste all that bad anymore. Then she moved, distracted, breaking his connection to her and a summer of normalcy. But his next chance was only a passing period away.
She sat alone again making mashed potato mountains. She maintained eye contact with her lumpy potato lunch when he sat down. Today feet touching, tomorrow him breathing down her shirt, arm constricting around her. It was the year when she wore baggy clothes because a tank top would make anything above her neck disappear. It was the semester he would sit in peripheral range, and she wondered what he was drawing. Their story would be long and painful, a backseat nightmare like the one before, a newspaper headline, soon to be sappy chicken soup for the teenage soul survivor story. Because she knew, because she couldn’t trust with out thinking of the one before. Then he moved and leg met leg, and new wound met old. The mashed potatoes went sour in her mouth. She flinched and pulled away. She ran, but he was only a passing period away.

Spark · 08-01-2006, 11:28 PM

This was really interesting to me. I like having the paragraphs in that order. It's more of an impact when you read it that way. Some nitpicks:

"and next week’s location was an impossibility. " I don't like the word impossbility used there. Or maybe it's just abrupt. It was an impossiblity for tonight, or for ever? If it will be the location next week, how is it an impossibility?

"It was around the time" Time of day? Time of week? Time of relationship?

"Today feet touching, tomorrow him breathing down her shirt, arm constricting around her." Take out the word around

Other than those little things, I liked it a lot. Keep up the good work.

mwd · 08-02-2006, 01:15 AM

I like this quite a bit. You take a subject that can easily turn trite/cheesy when handled poorly, but you did it very well. Little details like "It was the year when she wore baggy clothes because a tank top would make anything above her neck disappear" are what really make this story for me. They show a lot of insight into your characters. A couple nitpicks:

"the trendy beat an indie"
'of an indie'

"and hesitating good night"
I think you meant 'hesitant' instead of 'hesitating'.

Thanks for the read.

aliceedelweiss · 08-04-2006, 04:40 PM

I liked it. The plot was nice, and the two view points were good. for Practice, it was nice.

I'm not sure what else to say. I think you could have elaborate more on some things, help us understand each character more, so we could know how they connected better.

Alice

Hakeem · 08-04-2006, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by huitzil

I was wondering if you think the two paragraphs should be switched with eachother,

The order of the paragraphs is quite fine.