Baby Genius (685 words) - Writers Forum

Atom · 07-28-2006, 05:00 PM

This is the rough draft, im going to be editing this along with your feedback. So all feedback is appreciated.

The commander of the Mexican police force stood outside looking wary. He signaled for his officers to hold. The most notorious bank robber and criminal in Mexican history would not get a chance to escape; Not if he had anything to do with it.

The officers were positioned around the bank in an oval shape, surrounding all exits. All they had to do now was wait for the command. Sand blew into their dirty tanned faces as they peered hopefully into the bank.

Inside El Banco de Mexico de internacional, customers waited impatiently, unaware of the turmoil outside. Near the front of the line, a woman stood with her hands clasped tightly around a baby stroller. Others in the bank seemed to realize her anxious expression but made nothing of it. She would occasionally bend down to the baby carriage and after a few moments stand back up, more pale than before.

“Luego!” the banker yelled, calling for the next customer. Breathing heavily, the lady extended her hand to the banker who looked down at it: It was a note. He smiled sheepishly, taking it from her hand and unfolding it. His smile vanished when he realized the woman’s intent. When he looked up at her she was aiming a pistol between his eyes.

Chaos came in the form of a dozen police officers. People ducked to the floor as armed officers swept the bank, tackling the startled woman. They grabbed her and slammed her to the floor. The commander stood over her. This is was the most feared criminal in all of Mexico. He looked at the woman’s face. He was surprised. She was quite old with gray hair and wrinkled skin.

Although each customer stopped to see all the commotion, the panic subsided and business continued in the bank.The robber was handcuffed and thrown to the floor. She was terrified. “ El Diablo!” she cried pointing to the carriage.

The commander walked to the carriage. The baby would have to go to an orphanage while this woman is in jail. He looked at it.

He had specs of brown hair sprinkled in random patterns across his head, but his eyes were what drew the commander's attention.

The baby’s eyes were pale blue, and his eyebrows arched as if angry. Beneath his innocent eyes was an evil flame; one that was cruel and calculating. His eyes looked knowledgeable, even experienced.

The commander drew his head up slowly. He was chilled at his core. He wanted to get as far away from the baby as possible. He looked back at the woman who was still bawling and pointing to the carriage, “ El Diablo!”

The woman was hauled to the police station and questioned.

She said in Spanish, “ Pablo told me to do it. He said he'd kill me if I didn’t!”

The investigators looked at each other and one nodded. “ Who is Pablo? Your husband?” one of them asked.

The woman wiped a tear from her eye, her lips trembled uncontrollably. “ Pablo is the baby.” she whispered.

It was night at the orphanage. Infants were cared for differently then toddlers and teenagers where they were kept in separate sections. The smell of tortillas and chili still lingered in the air from dinner. Pablo’s crib was unattended. Pablo had tied his bed sheets to make a rope together. He slid it through the bars along with a pillow. He managed to squeeze himself through the bars as well. He didn’t have enough body strength, he knew, to lower himself down, so he would have to jump off the side of the crib. That’s what the pillow was for. He jumped and made a soft “umph” as he landed on the pillow. He crawled out of the room and eventually into the nuns section of the orphanage.

He looked at the nuns talking to each other. Pablo needed one of them. To care for him, to kill for him.

He wanted a new host to control.

Like/dislikes
Sentences that are good, sentences that are bad.
Ways for me to make it better.

Those kinds of things.

Itsaboysname · 07-28-2006, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

He had specs brown hair sprinkled in random patterns across his head. But his eyes were what drew the commanders attention.

The baby’s eyes were pale blue, and his eyebrows arched as if angry. Beneath his innocent eyes was an evil fame; one that was cruel and calculating. His eyes looked knowledgeable, even experienced. They were cold and unforgiving.

This section seemed odd to me. First, I dunno what "Specs brown hair" is, or how it could be sprinkled on his head. I would change "His innocent eyes" to "Those [or the] innocent eyes" or something to that effect. "His" seems redundant to me. And then switch the eyebrow thing to after it, because it diminishes the innocence of the pale blue eyes. Is "evil fame" supposed to be "Evil flame"? Because it should be. Finally just get rid of that last sentance there, because that seems to be implied or redundant or something like that.

That's the only major little chunk of text I didn't like.

You don't need the commander thinking that the old lady is odd. That's redundant too.

And then the old lady switches from a very bold, "El Diablo" to plain "Pablo" which seems wierd to me.

All in all, it's good. The beginning with the cops outside is a nice set up. My first reaction to it all was a "Whaaat?" But then I read it again and kinda liked it. Unique, with some work it could be terrific. It's not even a thousand words, so I suggest adding a lot more detail. AND is the end supposed to be the ending? Because it seems like there should be more, like it's cut off. But if you want to leave it like that I suggest saying something more solid than "he wanted a new host to control".

Atom · 07-29-2006, 07:55 AM

Thanks for the feed. I can't believe i missed those spelling mistakes. Yes it was supposed to be flame and supposed to be specs of hair. I'm editing story now from some of the things you specified. Again, thanks.

Fantasy of You · 07-29-2006, 08:28 AM

Quote:

The most notorious bank robber and criminal in Mexican history would not get a chance to escape if he had anything to do with it

For this to flow better, I think you should make this two sentences. '..chance to escape. Not if..'

Quote:

All the officers had to do now was wait for the command

At first it seems like you are describing something the officers are doing simultaneously. Put a comma in between now and wait.

Quote:

Inside El Banco de Internation de México, customers waited impatiently inside

Delete the second inside.

Quote:

more pale then before

than

Quote:

“ El Diablo!”

I'm sick of this lol ^^

Quote:

He had specs of brown hair sprinkled in random patterns across his head. But his eyes were what drew the commanders attention.

Make this one sentence. Put a comma before but. It will read alot smoother

Quote:

“ Pablo told me to do it! He said he would kill me if I didn’t!”

Either use he'd and didn't, or he would and did not. It seemed strange when I read it lol..

Quote:

Pablo’s crib was unattended. Pablo had tied his best sheets to make a rope together.

Make this two sentences.

Lol, okay, I tried to do pick out what you asked for. Most of these things, I think, are my own preferences, but they read awkwardly to me. I'm trying to give criticism here, but it is actually quite hard- the peice on a whole was excellent!

I would say that you spruce up the story a bit. There is no suspense of real action. Take the robbery scene as an example. There's no tension or atmosphere. You could of done so much more with the scene! Also, as a baby genius, he has a pretty dumbass plan.

The whole story, practically, is from the policeman's perspective, and I'm wondering why it's not from the woman's. If you switch to the woman's perspective in the bank, and extend the scene, you can give some real sympathy to her character, and make her more than 2d.

The scene with the baby in the crib was laughable. It reminded me of Rugrats, lol, and I haven't seen thta in ages. The genius baby thing has been done, many times, and you would need something special for it to stand out. As it is, the baby's actions seem more of a comedy than a serious thing. You need to change the tone or something.

Anyway, Good job, I liked it.

Fantasy

Atom · 07-29-2006, 10:08 AM

I can always expect good feedback from you, Fantasy. Thank you. I'm working on a new plan for the bank robbery. It is a pretty dumbass plan i suppose, but the beauty of it is he knew he wouldnt get caught. I'm working on a plan for the bank robbery right now that would make you think "criminal mastermind". When I'm done with it all edit my story. Oh, about El Diablo being repeated, i did this so you would understand why the woman was frightened by the baby. If you were religious and you saw a baby talk to you, you might think of the devil also. So when the baby had threatened the woman and because she thought it was the devil she obeyed. If she thought he was just a smart baby threatening her she might just put him in timeout.

Again thanks for the feed.

Fantasy of You · 07-29-2006, 11:49 AM

Lol, if the plan is that good, don't write a book about it, do it. You'll be set for life. Anyway, I don't know how fond you are of the story, but I don't think you should do anything with it. Maybe this is just me, but I don't like the concept of a genius baby. You are a fine writer, and your stuff always entertains, but you should spend your time writer something else. Something that features me.

HINT
l
l
l
l
v

Atom · 07-29-2006, 12:41 PM

On another website i am in a writing contest with the topic baby genius so thats where the topic came from. I was going to read your story, i copied and pasted it to print it out, and word counted it. 2300 words!?! D'oh. But still, since you've giving me feedback on every single story i posted, I am obliged to read your story. Expect some feedback.

cacafire · 07-29-2006, 03:08 PM

Ungh... I feel brain dead. Will try to critique though...

The prose seems... Stuffy. Not exactly sure how to explain it, but it seems kind of choppy, or superficial or something. The characters are truly one dimensional, as if you didn't give much thought to them when you were creating them. *shrugs*

Also, if the baby is the most dangerous criminal in Mexico, why don't they know about him? Surely they would have seen this baby many times at the scene of the crime? Also, the woman goes down waaay too easy for the most dangerous criminal in Mexico. It implies a history of bank robberies, which is inconsistent with the rest of the story.

Also, what would a baby want with money? He's not going to be buying any cars or houses or guns himself. One would think he's just sociopathic, and would make his hosts kill people, but rob a bank? Phht. It just seems to inconsistent and one dimensional to make sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

El Banco de Internation de México

Actually, It's El Banco de Mexico de internacional.

Maybe if you re-wrote this like some of your other stories? I'm afraid this isn't your best work, Atom. But I like your writing and the twists, so that's good. Unfortunately, I saw this one a mile away.

-Cacafire

Hakeem · 07-29-2006, 04:20 PM

Hello Atom. The idea of the story is repeated and recurred many times, but you managed that and planned the story around that fact. The ending is a little bit... emm.. off. I'd change it if I were you, readers expect something more. When the infant got out of his crib and headed for the nuns' chamber, it's expected that he would do something injurious and heinous. Here is my comments on your story:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The commander of the Mexican police force stood outside looking wary. He signaled for his officers to hold.

The commander of the Mexican police force stood outside looking wary as he signaled for his officers to hold.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

...get a chance to escape. Not if he...

Use a semicolon between these two sentences because they give the same idea.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

They were positioned around the bank in an oval shape, surrounding all exits. All the officers...

I know you introduced the 'they' later in the next sentence, but since you began a new paragraph, it would sound better if the pronoun isn't placed at the head. Begin the paragraph like: The police officers were.... exits. All they had...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

All the officers had to do now, was wait for the command

Omit the comma.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

a woman stood with her hands clasped tightly onto a baby stroller

Replace the 'onto' with 'around'. The 'onto' isn't used in these kind of situations.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The lady breathed heavily then extended her hand to the banker. He looked down. It was a note.

This is a series/chain of events. The sentence would sound better if re-worded:

Breathing heavily, the lady extended her hand to the banker who looked down at it: It was a note.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The panic subsided in the bank. Even though each customer stopped to see all the commotion, business continued.

Although each customer stopped to see all the commotion, the panic subsided and business continued in the bank.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The robber was handcuffed and on the floor.

The robber was handcuffed and placed/thrown onto the floor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

He had specs of brown hair sprinkled in random patterns across his head, but his eyes were what drew the commanders attention.

The baby’s eyes were pale blue, and his eyebrows arched as if angry. Beneath his innocent eyes was an evil flame; one that was cruel and calculating. His eyes looked knowledgeable, even experienced.

You paragraph too much. You should merge these two because they have the same idea, which is the description of the baby. Another thing, display to the reader how the commander recognized that he is a baby boy. Babies all look the same especially if there are too young, infants. Okies?

P.S: The commander's attention.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

“ Pablo told me to do it! He said he'd kill me if I didn’t!”

No need for the first exclamation marks. Check this out, I'm sure you came across it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

her lips trembled uncontrollably

I guess this is grammatically correct. But I think it sounds better if was: Her limps began to tremble uncontrollably. It is up to you anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

It was night at the orphanage.

Is this piece of information necessary? Does it have to do with anything in the story? If it doesn't, then readers needn't know this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

Infants were cared for differently then toddlers and teenagers. They were kept in separate sections.

Infants were cared for differently then toddlers and teenagers where they were kept in separate sections.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

Pablo’s crib... Pablo had... Pablo managed.

Too many Pablos mate. The first would do, then replace the other two with a 'he'.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

his best sheets

?????? Did you mean his bed sheets??

That's it. There a few very minor heres and theres. Anyway, I liked your story, we know and have seen the idea before, but you wrote it differently which made the whole thing look smart. Also I liked the introduction/beginning of the story.

Good job.

Fantasy of You · 07-29-2006, 06:24 PM

Lol. Besidses from the spelling mistakes he caught- and no offence to th eg uy- Hakeem's advice is IMO stupid. It should probably be ignored.

Atom · 07-30-2006, 01:59 PM

Thanks for the feedback Hakeem and Cacafire.

I still havent figured out how to quote but...

Cacafire, you said: Also, if the baby is the most dangerous criminal in Mexico, why don't they know about him? Surely they would have seen this baby many times at the scene of the crime? Also, the woman goes down waaay too easy for the most dangerous criminal in Mexico. It implies a history of bank robberies, which is inconsistent with the rest of the story.

Yes, the woman is a very bad criminal. Because she thinks the baby is the devil ( talking genius baby ), she obeys him because of fear. He makes her stick up banks and he is never caught because he IS A BABY. There is a history of bank robberies.

He wants money because money is power and he knows that. When he grows older he will have plenty of money to do what he wants.

Unfortunately, I saw this one a mile away.
Of course, it was in the title, lol.

Hakeem, thank you for the long and detailed feedback. I edited my story alot from it. Even though Fantasy said i should ignore it, i found it quite useful. Some things were off though.

And yes it is important to establish the nighttime because everyone is sleeping, the nuns are awake in a different room though. ( Imagine them tiredly talking at the end of the day after caring for all the kids )

Anyway, i've decided not go edit a new scene for the bank robbery. It would take too much effort and from all of your feedback i see that the topic isnt very well liked.

Hakeem · 07-30-2006, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

I still havent figured out how to quote but...

(1)Type [quote] OR [quote=QUOTED PERSON]
(2) Paste whatever you want to quote
(3) At the end always type [/quote...] (There is no elipses there but it was to prevent actual quoting)

I imagine this will be helpful too. Copy-paste-save it for future refrence.

About the piece, I am glad most of my comments were helpful to you. If you want further assistance feel free to PM me anytime. About me, I liked the topic and look forward to further 'Atomic' writings.

Atom · 07-30-2006, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hakeem

Atom just might be the best writer on this site!

This good?

Atom · 07-30-2006, 02:38 PM

woah thats going in my sig...

but seriously, thanks a bunch!

Hakeem · 07-30-2006, 02:42 PM

Hehe... my pleasure.