apana

“It’s because we’re older now, that’s why,” was the answer she spewed in an indifferent tone.

“Dammit! Why won’t my password work?! It’s frozen! THE COMPUTER IS FROZEN!”

I continue to aggressively spin in the extra computer chair as if my spinning any faster would propel me into another universe. God knows it wouldn’t hurt to try. But oh, where are my manners?! I fall onto the unspoiled white carpeted floor, and overcome with vertigo, I exaggeratedly crawl over to the corner of the room adjacent to the computer, sure that she would peripherally catch a glimpse of my unrefined self.

I was never granted with the social graces that many people have seemingly acquired by post puberty, but pointing remissibly to the fact that I exhibited the height of an average twelve year old, the hips of a teenage girl flirting with the notorious trend of morbid obesity, and sustained a dating history as fruitful as the aborted fetus, it was apparent that I was destined to be a mere Mercutio, useful only as a foil in a failed romantic novel, but quite respectfully, a long shot from anything virtually as classy as Shakespeare.

“Uh, maybe the computer has a stomach ache.”

Whaaat?! For the sake of all that is still good in the world, what would possess me to conjure a reply like THAT?! Luckily, the words traveled so soundlessly, so fragile into the awkward air, that the words seemed to have evaporated before reaching her corner of the room to be translated.

Silence.

“AH-HA! Oh my gosh. It worked. Huh. My password worked! I guess it’s because I haven’t been here for so long.”

Reminded of my shamefully unsuccessful attempt to console by the prolonged, unsettling silence followed by the smug “Huh” she expelled as soon as her welcome display lit up the screen, I settled for a more simple, straightforward response in hopes of redeeming what was left of my now imaginary self-confidence.

“Cool.”

—Not cool.

Like the condolences spiritually sent after being shared the more or less humorous account of the residential dweeb who, while on his way to work via bike riding, lost his two front teeth due to the regrettable choice of advancing over a “wet patch” during a rainstorm, [no offenses intended] her laugher was as equally if not more so contrived that it drove me out of the room.

Maybe she did hear my lame computer-stomach-ache reply.

FeathersOfDust

Perhaps this is intended, but it's never really clear what's going on with the computer. Is it not working for you? Is it not working for her? Who's complaining about it? What is the random comment at the start about? Other than that, it's a pretty eclectic piece, with some descriptive narrative, some modern humour and some abstract thoughts.

In its current, very confusing state, it's difficult to enjoy, but with a few tweaks it should be lovely.

I hope that helped, and if it seemed a little harsh, it wasn't supposed to be. I think it just needs a little revision to be a nice piece.

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Where are we going in this handbasket anyway?

Min Min Light

This is your first post, huh? Welcome to the forums. Critique some works first and people will repay you. Hopefully you'll repay you if my words help you any.

Now then... Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand what was going on.
I like your wrting style and your humor, so it's almost a waste that I can't understand it. I gather that there are two characters, the MC and an unnamed girl, and they are trying to access a computer. But the dialogue doesn't tell me who's saying what, and the situayion has no explanation behind it. Maybe this is a excerpt from something larger?

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MML: Too smart for the dumb people, too dumb for the smart people. Too lame for the cool people--so what am I doing here?

LoneWolf

Hullo and welcome to WF!

Well, I must admit, I didn't get what was happening. I like your writing style as well, it's very unique. But I didn't really get if the main character was a guy until the end (I'm assuming it is). It's a sad piece, though. Aww...but you're a good writer. I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future. Again, welcome!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

iamlikethiswithoutcoffee

Well I'll join your writing style's fanclub! I didn't really like the story though. I don't find diffucult computer's an extremely exciting topic... Will definitely make a mental not to read your next submission.

AJ

aliceedelweiss

Maybe I like the strange and different, but I really enjoyed this. I'm too lazy to read what anyone else posted but...I did like it a lot. It was a bit hectic, and made me feel dizzy (like the MC) at some parts it felt very...preechy? And talkative, which I didn't like. But, your voice and style really gives personality to what is happening. I might just be glad to see something so strange and unusual, but I'd love to read more of yours if it is written this way.

Sure its unconventional, but I enjoyed it.
Alice

EDIT: I seem to be the only one who understood what was happening, since I scanned what was said above. Its a teenage boy arguing with himself about how he says stupid things to girls, and can't make a good impression. At least that is what I get, and I can relate, though with the male species.

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