huitzil

Fantasy of You

Lol.. she wished she had no vital organs?? Not a very good way to start a piece, especially one so small. It isn't realy long enough to give any real comment.. the writing is fine, the concept is fine. Maybe make it longer.

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huitzil

yeah, i understand, it's a little sparse, but i've been trying to get away from the stupid details that can weigh down writing and that usually matter more to the writer than the reader, anyway, this might be an improvement.

She lay in bed and drummed on her stomach, wishing it was hollow. She counted up the times she ate that day, and then how much she would tomorrow. She only looked at the scale once today. The room down the hall was filled with boxes and a seldom used treadmill where a bed once was. But now he doesn’t even come home for laundry. Tomorrow, she thought, I’ll clean the room out tomorrow. She tapped her acrylics against the wall making bored rhythms. Outside a car sputtered and coughed into the drive way. She closed her eyes and rolled towards the wall recognizing the sick engine. The door opened and she felt the movement in the house and called out the steps before they happened. The whisper of the closet door, the thump of a briefcase, three short steps, one long creak, and open the refrigerator, then water hitting glass, the light switch turned, then a percussion shift from wood to carpet, five slow steps and one old floorboard moan. He was in the room. The mattress springs sighed with his weight, but she didn’t move. Socks hitting floor, then shoes, and then the mattress springs relax and settle. She feels him reach his hand out to her shoulder, stops, then pulls back. She waits, just a bit longer she thinks, then turns toward him. Asleep. She opens her mouth to sigh, to scream, but settles with silence. Tomorrow, she thinks, I’ll leave tomorrow.

LoneWolf

You have a nice writing style. Usually I don't like lists but the way you wrote yours...it flowed and seemed very natural. If that makes sense lol. Anorexic, unhappy, being cheated upon? It's a strong piece, full of many different things though it's so short. That's a good thing. Nice job, thanks for the read.

LW

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Chris Miller

Great flash. The ending was no surprise at all. You set it up perfectly. Excellent example of showing with no telling. Very detached, right up to the last sentence. Unusual to see a short work like this done with such patience and attention to detail.

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aliceedelweiss

I like the plot, the idea behind it, but some of it feels sort of...I'm not even sure of a word. The way she lists every little event, I think you could put things in between that would give the story better emotion. you could say "Those noises happened every night, and dug into her like a knife" only less cliché, because I can't think of anything good right now... Just add some thoughts, some past memories, to give us hints that she is leaving, or show us the reason why she is leaving. I'd really like to see that.

Do socks hitting the floor even make a sound? I don't think so...Unless she's superwoman. Which she's not, I don't think.

Alice

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huitzil

Thanks for the feedback, btw, it has been highly scientifically tested by me that socks do make a sound when thrown or dropped on carpet, results on wood and tile are pending.