Just Suck (737 wds) - Writers Forum

cacafire · 07-24-2006, 03:52 PM

Any feedback would be apreciated:

:begin:

Just Suck
By: Edwin Ramses

The storm outside raged on while the two boys huddled inside their makeshift tent, made from sheets pulled tight between furniture. They each sat on a pillow, Indian style, and listened to the rain wash up against the glass window pane. Between the two lay an old antique chess set, carved out of mahogany wood, with pieces derived from delicate slate.

"Gotcha in a bind, huh?" Mark laughed.

"Be quiet." sweat beaded down Jason's forehead, and his hand held over his mouth in thought.

"You gotta admit, that was a skilled move." Mark teased, "Admit it, pretty boy." Jason flinched, but paid no mind. His eyes focused intensely, moving precisely over the pieces on the board: calculating.

"I'm not pretty, fool. and I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," His hand moved out, finally, and picked up the knight. Easily, he slid it over to the critical square, " 'cause you just got owned." Mark stopped gloating just long enough to see the splendid move, and reeled backwards, his arms outstretched.

"Ah, dad-gummit!" Mark groaned.

"That's right, your queen can't escape now, can she? Admit it, ugly." A sly smirk spread over Jason's face as he watched Mark settle into his routine of thought. Hunched low, Mark's finger found a lock of oily hair and spun it around. Now his eyes roved the board, trying to find a way out of this predicament. Just then, a column of lightning stabbed the ground, brilliantly illuminating the dark room. Just for an instant, the shadows twisted, and grew into spindly shapes. A spider's form was thrown into high relief, baring it's fangs on the white sheet. Seconds later, the boys jumped as the thunder roared, like a lion's final kill, before he too was brought down with a hunter's arrow. Then it was gone, and they both sat in silence.

"Spooky." Mark said, shivering from the cold.

"I wouldn't want to be left out there in that rain. Did you hear the roar of that thunder?" Jason asked. Mark just rolled his eyes.

"No, it sounded more like a squeak. Of course I heard it! It sounded like a sonic boom!" Mark waved his arms in the air, pulling the low sheets up with them. After a few more comments on the occurence, they both settled down and returned to the game. Mark's eyes went through every possible move, desperately searching for a way out. Seconds, then minutes passed.

"You're not gonna save your queen. It's like I've always said, the second you gloat is the second you lose!" Jason's lips pulled taught, forming a wild grin with all his teeth showing.

"You better not gloat then, I'd hate for this to end in double suicide." They both laughed. Suddenly, a mini-oven dinged beside them, the tiny bell telling the bread was done.

"All right!" Mark said, and he popped open the oven and slid out the plates. The food steamed with delectable scent, and Jason's mouth began to water. Mark divided it, and placed the hot raisinbread on both their plates. "Eat up, pal."

The chess pieces stood still, frozen in time while the two boys cleaned their plates. Amid the laughter and camadarie, however, Jason spoke: "Hey, Mark. These times will last forever, won't they?"

"Don't be stupid. Eventually, we'll have to grow up. We might become rival bandits and fight to the death." Mark smiled. Jason, however, stayed silent, his eyes looking down at the floor. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Jason let out a sigh, "I was just thinking that, if we stopped being friends, well, that would just really suck." He looked Mark in the eye, and waited.

"Jason, we'll always be friends. I can't think of anyone else I'd want to be friends with. And besides, when we do grow up, it'll be a long time in the future. We won't drift apart right away. We'll get girlfriends and get married, maybe have kids, but I bet you our kids will be best friends!" Mark laughed at that, and so did Jason. Easily enough, Jason's jitters vanished for the night. They continued on with the game.

While pieces flew off of the board, and clattered in the wooden prison box. Jason swept his troubles away. Nothing was going to change their friendship, and that was enough, he thought, smiling. Jason lost the game.

:end:

I think I'm climbing out of my rut. yeah... I feel good. ^.^

-Cacafire

Fantasy of You · 07-24-2006, 04:35 PM

OOOO I like it. It is certainly seemed like you are climbing out of your rut.. Anyway, this reads like a disney cartoon lol 'we'll always be friends' :10 year later they are enemies:

ANYWAY lol. The beginning threw me. Maybe this is a preference, but I don't like the first comma, and the repetition of 'while' distracted me AND threw me off, because I didn't think what followed the second 'while' made sense, and that part could be deleted with harm to the piece.

Quote:

The storm outside raged on, while the two boys huddled inside their makeshift tent, made from sheets pulled tight between furniture, while heavy objects weighed them down

Also, I don't like the swear words in the piece. It takes something away from the innocence I picked up from them- maybe you should use a word that would be a cuss to them, but is actually not.. like blood hell, or damn..

Just my opinion, sire. I liked it. WOOOOO

Fantasy

:edit:

I just noticed. You should change 'laser beams' to something else. This doesn't seem like a futuristic piece, and so the words don't fit. Also, the words don't really add anything his stare. His eye were fixed upon the board would do, I think. heh

cacafire · 07-24-2006, 04:56 PM

Excellent suggestions, fantasy. Consider them changed. Anyone else want to say something?

Atom · 07-24-2006, 05:43 PM

They each sat on a pillow, indian style, and listened to the rain wash up against the glass window payne.
Indian, pane

After a few more comments on the occurence, they both settled down
occurrence

the hot raisinbread on both
i think it should be spaced: raisin bread, not sure

Overall cool story. I like the way you opened it up. You made something simple like two best friends having a good time enjoyable.

ButteredKazoo · 07-24-2006, 11:39 PM

Amid the laughter and camadarie, . . .
camaraderie

"I'm not pretty, fool. and I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," . . .
"I'm not pretty, fool. And I wouldn't be laughing if I were you,"

RachelA · 07-27-2006, 04:37 AM

This is a cute story. I like how you remind us what it was like to be young - competetitive, innocent, imaginative, easily scared by the thunderstorms and being in that secret realm that only best friends at that young age can inhabit. I'm not sure if I like the anti-stereotypical paragraph where they discuss growing up and having kids or not. Part of me thinks well done for going against stereotype, the other part remembers young boys and how they would puke first before ever admitting to thoughts of girls. Well done.

aliceedelweiss · 07-27-2006, 09:05 AM

Quote:

The storm outside raged on while the two boys huddled inside their makeshift tent, made from sheets pulled tight between furniture. They each sat on a pillow, indian style, and listened to the rain wash up against the glass window payne.

I think you should change the very "huddled" When I read that I imagined two little kids scared to death of the storm holding each other and screaming for mommy. Then I read the next sentence...So maybe It is just me, but huddled has a different connotation than what the next sentence shows us.

Also, I did spell check and "payne" isn't a word. I can't spell at all, so I wouldn't know the correct spelling. Try using Dictionary.com and type in till you find the right word, with the right definition

Quote:

His eyes focused intensely, moving precisely over the pieces on the board: calculating.

That seems weird. Maybe says. "Pieces on the board, as he calculated his best options."

Quote:

Then it was gone, and they both sat in silence.

No comma needed.

Quote:

I wouldn't want to be left out there in that rain. Did you hear the roar of that thunder?

You know I think that use of that word 'that' is not really needed. You might want to change 'that' to the? Unless thats his speaking habit. But even then, it was really easy for the second 'that' to jump right out at me.

Quote:

frozen in time while the two boys cleaned their plates.

"cleaned" feels clichéd to me. Even if it isn't, it doesn't sound right. Cleared?

Quote:

Mark laughed at that, and so did Jason

the comma isn' needed. But I think you could change it to "Mark and Jason laughed" it sound weird the way you have it, IMO.

Quote:

Jason lost the game.

I'm curious, why end the story with this sentence? I'm not saying its bad, mind you, I'm just trying to find...the meaning behind it. Why does it matter to us, the reader, that he lost? Does it have some connect to his worries about the friendship? Sorry If I'm getting deep, but I'd think it does if you tell us that he lost :-/ I'm a deep thinker on this kind of stuff! So I'm just wondering, why end it with that?

It was good,Not my favorite story in the world but that doesn't mean it was bad at all, It just didn't do anything for me, not my kind of story. It wasn't slow, it worked up to something. I think you could have made the worry about the friendship...stronger. make it last longer. it seems like they're just having regular conversation, and that Jason isn't really freaking out about the future or something. but thats just my opinion. Nice job

Good for you, getting out of your rut!

Alice

Glfralin · 07-28-2006, 02:20 AM

I really like the idea of the conflict of the chess game (passive), against the storm raging outside (active). It's gives the feel of two young boys hiding under the makeshift tent waging their own war while a battle rages outside.

The parts I have problems with are in the conversations. You seem to be writing adult conversation into this where two boys about 12 or so are talking. For instance - instead of saying "the second you gloat is the second you lose!" ; you may try saying something like "ya brag ya die sucka" seems more like two young boys. There are other instances that I think you may pick up on yourself as you look through it. I sure as heck wouldn't give it up as just a way to break out of a block.

I think there could be a really good short story about two boys on a rainy day. You may want to consider the oven under these circumstances. Fire hazard, but that really hasn't a lot to do with the quality.

Gunther409 · 07-28-2006, 04:00 AM

I liked this piece, it's so happy. I am a little confused by the title though "Just suck" doesn't seem fitting lol. The only part I didn't like was " The storm outside raged on while the two boys huddled inside their makeshift tent" it put a bit of a hard spin on it I didn't really like. Plus what was with the easy-bake oven? I found it hilarious that they'd happen to have one there, but where is this taking place, inside or outside? Anyway, overall it's a really good story.

cacafire · 07-28-2006, 04:44 PM

Wow, I didn't think this would get so many replies. I'm so happy!

Anyway's, to answer your questions:
Gunther, the entire scene is taking place inside a colony house in south america. As a result,they are holed up in one of the rooms, surrounded by furniture. It's nowhere near the average "suburbs" Of the U.S. also, it's not in modern times, though it's close enough to it. It wasn't actually, an "easy bake-oven", but an actual mini, cast iron oven. Yes it's a fire hazard. Don't underestimate these kids. :_)

GlFralin, there's nothing wrong with the dialogue, as I still remember being twelve years old, and that's the way we talked. However, I think I might understand if the reader thinks this is in a black ghetto neighborhood or something... but it's not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cacafire

Jason Lost the game.

Ehehehe... yes, It does have something to do with the friendship. Keep in mind that Jason is probably the better player, as the story implies. So why did he lose? Think much more deeply...ehehehe...

And of course, RachelA. Rachel, when I was twelve, me and John Paul were not like the stereotypical: "Girls! Yucky!" Kid. Neither are these two kids. Keep in mind, we thought we would en up marrying a beautiful princess, mind you, but we were far from hating girls. With that said, I'm glad this story struck a positive chord with you guys. Thank you. It's very apreciated. :*

-Cacafire

:edit: The story was originally named "Empty" I changed it, because I thought it would give to much away.

Glfralin · 07-28-2006, 11:00 PM

Thanks for the explanation cacafire, I was thinking of kids in general. I really didn't realize the average 12 year old boy talked that way. Of course you and Jason must be somewhat advanced to be able to understand the game of chess so well at that age. I still like it, and I'm sure not assuming anything as far as race

Fantasy of You · 07-29-2006, 08:30 AM

cacafire, if this is in a South American colony, use some words to suggest it. I had no clue. By the way, that period is my favourite

Atom · 07-29-2006, 10:11 AM

^Same, there was no way I could have guessed this was in a South American colony.

Fantasy of You · 07-29-2006, 11:40 AM

Wait. Do you mean South Africa, cacafire? Btw, you need to change the speech to reflect the time period, it would help alot.

cacafire · 07-29-2006, 03:15 PM

No, it's South America. Unfortunately, I have no Idea what the words would sound like in south america. I just have no clue. So I decided, "Aww... what the hell," and wrote how two twelve year-old kids would speak here.

Do any of you know how south american kid's speak? o.0 On a completely different note, the spanish of south america is actually different from the spanish of Mexico. So even while I know a little bit of Espanol(not enough, mind you), It would hardly sound like chile. You know? *sigh*...

-Cacafire