Mew_Riles

Based off of the music video "Saven' Me" by Nickleback, great video.

Saved

“Are you some sort of freak!”

Alec shouted as he felt the dirty hands of a homeless man wrap around his neck and pull him back from the street. Alec was ready to turn around and club the dirty man, until, in almost a split second, he saw a 35 ton bus speed past him. Alec was astonished when he realized that the dirty man had just saved his life. When he turned around however, to thank him, the man had escaped into the crowd-already half a mile up the road. Many others stared at him in wonder.

There was something peculiar on the heads of those around him though. Neon orange numbers, 7 sets of them, hovering above the heads of every living thing. Alec had never seen these numbers before, and when he looked into his reflection in a window nearby, he didn’t see any numbers on his head.
“What’s wrong with me?” He asked. He ran up to several people, grabbing their shoulders, and placing a hand through the numbers, but nothing happened. The persons he grabbed only looked at him with confusion and anger. One man slapped him in the jaw and continued down the street shouting “Jerk!”

Alec did not understand these numbers above the heads of all living things. Perhaps some sort of code to understanding each person. “What a wonderful thought!” Alec said to himself. “If everyone could see these numbers-we might just have world peace in only a few decades!”

Unfortunately, Alec’s dreams of world peace were dashed as he walked down the street. In front of a small apartment was a blaring ambulance. He stopped to watch, as they ran inside, and ran back out wheeling an elderly woman on the bed. Her hair was white, her faces was flushed, and she only had two sets of numbers on her head counting down. Like a time bomb. He saw the numbers count down from five, to four to three, to two, and then sadly to one when the numbers above her vanished completely. The elderly woman’s eyes closed, and her body became limp. One nurse pushed Alec out of his way to close the ambulance doors. The crowd that had gathered around him slowly continued on their way. A few of them shaking their heads, and some joining together in prayer.

The numbers were the life. Alec thought. The first number equaled how many years that particular life had to go. The second number was months, followed by weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, and milliseconds. When all numbers counted down to one—that life was no longer living, but had then become dead.

It was a frightening thought for Alec, to know when deaths would come. He wondered why he hadn’t had this power before—why now when his life was just spared? There must’ve been a connection to his life, and why he could now see these numbers. Did the man who saved him, see the same thing? Did the same thing happen to that man? Who saved him, and could that man see those numbers? He had to find that man. Only then would he have answers to these questions.

Alec continued down the street, walking slowly as he was drenched in his own thoughts. He saw children, some with many years, and some with very few. He passed by a woman whom he saw two collections of numbers. He saw where the second number was. Just above her stomach. She looked maybe six months pregnant. The number of her stomach was only 18 years, 11 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 25 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds, and 60 milliseconds. This gift was very disheartening.

Alec walked by a homeless man with bruises up his arm from drugs. The number above the man was only 4 days, 3 hours, 10 minutes, 47 seconds, and 15 milliseconds. But was Alec walked by a Christian came up to the man and began to preach to him. Alec stopped and watched in awe. As the Christian man spoke, and the homeless man listened, the numbers above them both began to increase.

Alec understood that these numbers could be reversed. It all depended on what actions a person took. If one was to have many numbers, but suddenly take a different path, the numbers could decrease, or if they did something good for them, the numbers could increase. It was astonishing!

Alec finally understood everything in life-but as he was ready to bask in his knowledge he noticed a small woman walking to her car. Her number went from many, to only a few seconds as she drew near to her car. Every second brought her closer, and closer to death—even though she looked so healthy and able. Alec jumped out and grabbed her. He pulled her away from the car just as the numbers reached to one, and 3 milliseconds. Suddenly a piano fell on top of the car, crushing it completely. No one, had there been anyone inside, would have survived the smash.
“Are you some kind of freak!” The woman screamed, but Alec had already began to walk away. He could no longer see the numbers.

The woman stared at her car in awe as she realized that man had saved her life. She looked all around her, and was frightened. Above everyone’s head she saw seven sets of numbers, neon orange, hovering over the lives of all that lived. She stared back at Alec, who was already half a mile up the street.

__________________
Memories are fickle things. With them you feel as if you could die, and without them you are dead.

You remind me of pizza: You're hot, cheesy, and I love you

I'm sorry if I've upset you; I'm Christian, it was bound to happen.

cacafire

This is very introverted and tell-tale. While it made a great music video, it makes a mediocre story, and a bad one with the way you write. I'm pretty sure you've heard the rule to: "Show, don't tell". Well, you're going to hear it again.

This entire story is a lot of telling. What's more important, though, is its nothing but introspection. There's no character interaction(well, there is, but it's too sparse to count.) It might be nice if the MC stayed and talked to the lady. What's more, doesn't this guy have a life? The second he get's saved, he does nothing to think about his Job, or his girlfriend, etc. Why was he even out in front of that bus in the first place?

Finally, the concept isn't that thrilling. We already know that you can turn your life around. We don't need to see numbers on peoples heads to save them, we just need to look up.

Well, yeah... Sorry for being harsh. Atom should be much more helpful.

good luck with the re-write,
-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Fantasy of You

I agree with fire, and also, you need to revise the rules concerning dialogue.

__________________
It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

aliceedelweiss

This sentence just....seems very....not good. The part I highlighted its just...unneeded. I'm sure you could write it better

Face

I stopped reading midway through....pardon. I've seen the music video, and this follows it too closely. I do not want to be harsh, and I have read what is said above and I do agree, but I think with effort and some change you could make something good out of it. Some parts of it (dialog mostly) reminds me of how I write, having the characters talk to themselves to express confusion or something. But for me, It follows the music video too closely. It's like you scripted it out.

i just find that annoying. To base something on the music video is much different than to write the music video down, which from what I read is what you did. I'm not trying push your writing, or you, down, but I know you could do better than that. Come up with your own ideas, add your own twists, expand on the idea behind the music video. (If you did this later on, forgive me.)

I base a lot of my stories on music, too. Not videos, but songs. Only one story followed a song very strongly, but I still made it my own with certain elements. Not to mention, no one knows the band which really helped...I think You could turn this into something good, you just need to add a part of your own, and not follow the video image for image. I hope I wasn't too harsh, Only try to help you, and the piece.

Alice

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Mew_Riles

Yeah, I had intended the woman to go and find the Alec. Its crap no one has to feel bad for putting it down. I wrote in less than 10 minutes.

__________________
Memories are fickle things. With them you feel as if you could die, and without them you are dead.

You remind me of pizza: You're hot, cheesy, and I love you

I'm sorry if I've upset you; I'm Christian, it was bound to happen.

Fantasy of You

Lol, post work your proud of.

__________________
It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

cacafire

What are you trying to lower your self-esteem? You're better than that.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

aliceedelweiss

Next to 'critique 5 stories for every 1 you post' or the even better 'if you want to be critiqued, critique others' Thats the best advice you can give.

If you aren't proud of what you write and post, why should we read it and waste our time and effort to fix it up?

Alice

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Mew_Riles

First, I'm not trying to lower my self esteem. I've been writing for 5 years and I know I can write better. Second, when I first posted this I was rather proud. I thought I did a good job, but rereading it I realized some major mistakes and ways I could have made it better, Third, either way I appreciate the critiques because they are helpful for later. Even if the story is flawed you have given me useful critiques that I intend to use later for writing. So to explain my earlier post I saw my flaws in this story and I cannot defend them because they were, in fact, bad. So putting down my story has no effect on me because I see that it is, in fact, pretty horrible. It did only take me 10 minutes (which is probably why I was so proud. I thought it was great and took me no time.) And also you need to understand I don't write much anymore. I moved on to photography a few months ago, and I havent written anything but a few poems.

__________________
Memories are fickle things. With them you feel as if you could die, and without them you are dead.

You remind me of pizza: You're hot, cheesy, and I love you

I'm sorry if I've upset you; I'm Christian, it was bound to happen.