Why? Non-Fiction - Writers Forum

Saint Dane · 07-23-2006, 11:00 PM

People have begged me to write a short story. But instead, I have decided to write something from my heart and not something made up.
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Lately attitude thrives in this crude world. Wars are fought, Millions of people die each day but we go on with our everyday lives living in our own perfect little world.

We never care, why should we? Because, we’re stuck up in our little la la land. Why should we care that millions of people die in Africa, Mostly children, due to simple child-hood diseases, Mainly caused by malnutrition. Why should we care that people are starving each and every day due to no food?

The real question is why don’t we care. The answer is simple. We are rich idiots that think we have it hard.

Things are not what they seem to be. The U.S is by no way the safest nation. Somewhere in Iran people are building a bomb that can wipe out all electricity in the continental U.S.

We Claim to have “Superb" Defense systems. But if we did, would illegal immigrants make it in to the U.S.

I do not want to critique the world, But to state some obvious facts.

We need to help people in need, while we still can.

LoneWolf · 07-23-2006, 11:16 PM

Pretty heavy...very true, though. Since it's so short I'll critique the piece in itself, hope you don't mind.

Quote:

Lately attitude thrives in this crude world. Wars are fought, millions of people die each day, but still? we go on with our everyday lives, living in our own perfect little world.

We never care, but then again, why should we? Because we’re stuck up in our little la la land(I didn't really get this sentence. We're stuck in our little...?. Why should we care that millions of people die in Africa, mostly children, due to simple child-hood diseases(omit 'child-hood'. It's redundant since you just said 'mostly children') and malnutrition. (I omitted the 'mainly...' because it makes the sentence choppy. By adding a simple 'and' it connects both the ideas into one.) Why should we care that people are starving each and every day due to no food?

The real question is why don’t we care? The answer is simple. We are rich idiots that think we have it hard.

Things are not what they seem to be. The U.S is by no way the safest nation. Somewhere in Iran people are building a bomb that can wipe out all electricity in the continental U.S.

We claim to have “superb" defense systems. But if we did, would illegal immigrants make it in to the U.S?

I do not want to critique the world, only to state some obvious facts.

We need to help people in need, while we still can.

You write well, so you needn't worry about that. You just have to work on knowing how to structure sentences and on connecting them so that they flow. Also, you tend to use capitals when they aren't needed. Trasitions would also be very helpful for you...things such as, furthermore, thus, likely, etc. This may help you develop the sentences more fully. I just learned this from my AP English teacher this year. Pace yourself, take time to put all of your ideas on the paper. Patience (which I'm still learning!) is key. Like I said, you're a good writer, you have the potential to be great and I can see you love it.

I'm really glad you wrote this short piece. Not only is it a great way to exercise your skills and see how to improve, but it's a great topic to write about. I totally agree with you...I wish I could write about stuff like this. Keep truckin, I'm always here to help. Cheers, (this wasn't too bad, was it? Hope not...)

Chelsea

Fantasy of You · 07-24-2006, 11:33 AM

Hmm, it isn't very original. It's been done many, many times and then somemore. This reads like a GCSE essay, and even then poorly. Ithas just been done so many times that the words you have written don't even register properly in my mind. Millions of kids die in Africa- I know that. If you want to make me feel bad, or create sympathy for the subject, give details, figures or examples that will shock me, or make me think for a second.

Quote:

Mostly children, due to simple child-hood diseases, Mainly caused by malnutrition.

Here's an example. This reads like an answer to an essay question and fails to move me. You need to make it read less like a fact. Also, just a preference, I would add 'why should we care' before the sentence quoted, because it doesn't make sense (to me) the way it is.

Anyway, lol. You have talent, it just isn't in this piece. You have written about a powerful subject (given, cliched) but you have executed it weakly. I'm guessing this is still in the construction stages, so I hope you will post the refined version.

C-
Fantasy

cacafire · 07-24-2006, 04:09 PM

Before I say anything else:

Off Topic:

You are very arrogant to think we don't care about the world. Are you capable of caring and suffering the pangs of every single sentient being? The rasps of needles stabbing into animal flesh, and their horrible pains and thrashing. How can anyone truly give themselves over to the most human thing to do, and suffer in sympathy for every person suffering in the world? While you bitch and moan about how people don't care, you wouldn't dare go to Iraq and personally tend to the wounded, to stab your eyes out in sympathy to the blind. Hell, you needn't even go that far!

Go to the lonely heights of people in their hospital rooms They sit in bed, or at their computers, desperate for any human interaction. Can you go visit every single soul in those hospital rooms and cheer them up, bring joy to their face? You have shot me in the face with your highanded accusations, but what I want to know, is do you have the peace of mind, the coherence, the sanity to make up for it!?

I have made it my drive to ease suffering wherever I have found it, and even in that, I fail miserably short EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Don't go nosing your way into things you don't understand, Sain Dane.

-Cacafire

Now, then, it was pretty poorly written. The paragraphs didn't hook me. You have no Thesis Statement. People already know everything you're telling us, the question is, "What are you going to do to solve this?"

Re-write it, and we'll take a look.

-Cacafire

Fantasy of You · 07-24-2006, 04:18 PM

Eek should I have worn some groin protection before I came here? ^^

Cacafire, I doubt this was about you personally, it was simply a comment upon the world as a whole, not the individual. I think the author made a mistake in his tone which does make it seem like it is targetted at the reader and not at the world as a whole, to the reader.

Let us all take a breath and wash our feet in the ceremonial garden..

Atom · 07-24-2006, 04:48 PM

This isn't a short story but...

We are rich idiots that think we have it hard.

That's a generalization about America. We do care and we realize some have it harder then us.

You seem to hate America, saying that we are being arrogant.

That's what i picked up.

LoneWolf · 07-24-2006, 06:16 PM

I'm sorry everybody but I think you're all being a bit harsh. WF is supposed to be encouraging, not discouraging.

Dane is only writing this as an exercise. He knows that his writing is not the best, that is why he is trying to improve by writing flash and short stories. Although some may not agree with what he writes or what he thinks, that's all it is. An opinion. This is not the debate forum. All that Dane is trying to do is improve, and he needs a lot of encouraging and it pains me to see the comments you have to say.

Instead of attacking what he thinks and how he writes, try actually critiquing what he has written, such as I have. Or perhaps give your POV without being so harsh. It's not as if he was deliberately trying to piss any of you off. He thought of something to write as an exercise, he wrote about it, he needs some help with his technique.

Again, it really makes me sad to read these comments. Although I'm not a mentor and you all may be telling me to fuck off, I've been here for two years and I know how discouraging something like this can be, especially if all you're trying to do is get help.

If you think I'm out of line, PM me. PM a mentor. PM a mod. I don't care.

Chelsea-LoneWolf

Saint Dane · 07-24-2006, 06:29 PM

I do not want to critique the world, But to state some obvious facts.

That sentence puts all your reasoning out.

I don't want groining in the topic. I only appreciate someone who actually helps.

I was speaking of the world, Of course.

Cacafire, Why would you be so arrogant to critique not the writing but the author by throwing incoherrant insults.

"You have shot me in the face with your highanded accusations, but what I want to know, is do you have the peace of mind, the coherence, the sanity to make up for it!?"

That makes me want to puke and lmao at the same time. I didn't accuse you of anything nor did I accuse anyone. I was not critiqueing the world. And to your dumbness, I was not critiqueing you. I was stating facts that touched me. SANITY!!!! YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE SANITY.

Fantasy, Lonewolf, Atom,
Sorry for you to have to hear me go all off. Thanks for critiquing.

mwd · 07-24-2006, 06:43 PM

I think your POV has some truth to it, but at the moment your essay doesn't really convince me either way.

What I think would improve this, would be to be more specific. At the moment you're making a lot of sweeping statements. As you've seen they anger some people, heh. I would have liked to see more specific examples which support your arguments. At the moment it's you standing up on the soapbox, and I don't mean that in a bad way, just
I would have liked to see some evidence, something a little more substantial to support your case.

Some examples..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saint Dane

Lately attitude thrives [What attitude?] in this crude world. Wars are fought [Name some specific wars. Tie it into current events, things people have seen on the news, things they can associate images with.], Millions of people die each day [I'd like to see some statistics. Most of the people that die, what country are they from? What socioeconomic class were they born into? The answers to these questions are, I think, more illuminating than simply knowing that they died, because it gives some insight into WHY they died and what can be done.] but we go on with our everyday lives living in our own perfect little world.

We never care, why should we? [Some people care. Some people have demonstrations, and are activists. Not many, of course, but again some specifics here could help, instead of using absolutes.] Because, we’re stuck up in our little la la land. Why should we care that millions of people die in Africa, Mostly children, due to simple child-hood diseases, Mainly caused by malnutrition. Why should we care that people are starving each and every day due to no food? [Ah, some specifics. Better, although I'd still like more. What childhood diseases? Why are there shortages of food, and what can we do? How much food do we waste each year? If we gave our wasted food as aid, how would they affect their situation?]

The real question is why don’t we care. The answer is simple. We are rich idiots that think we have it hard. [Rich yes. Idiots, I'm not so sure. I don't think it's an intellectual problem, since most people know what's going on they just don't feel particularly invested in it, right? Maybe 'fools' would work better than 'idiots'. Maybe some specific examples or some of us thinking we have things difficult would be better. What sorts of things do we do with our time, which could be spent on better things?]

Things are not what they seem to be. The U.S is by no way the safest nation. Somewhere in Iran people are building a bomb that can wipe out all electricity in the continental U.S. [More facts about this. It's good, just more specifics. At the moment it sounds like you're pulling it out of the air. 'Somewhere'? If it's not known where it is, say that they're building it in a secret weapons facility or something. Don't say 'somewhere'.]

We Claim to have “Superb" Defense systems. But if we did, would illegal immigrants make it in to the U.S. [Missile defense and border patrols aren't exactly related. If you want to use this example, I'd insert a paragraph above that deals with immigration and how people can get into the country, and have done so in the past, for purposes of violence and terrorism. You could of course contrast that with all the people wanting to get into the country to avoid poverty, ... some of the same people that are dying by the millions from starvation and disease, as you mentioned earlier, right? It's fine to compare these two things, but I think you need to develop it a bit more before tying these together, so that your reader has a firm understanding of why exactly they relate to eachother.]

I do not want to critique the world, But to state some obvious facts. [You didn't state very many facts. Mostly you stated your opinion.]

We need to help people in need, while we still can.

At the moment this is just a venting piece. Nothing wrong with writing it, but is it worth other people reading it? Probably not, unless you develop it and present compelling evidence (evidence doesn't necessarily mean statistics. case studies and examples of specific people can work well, since they are a lot more personal than numbers. either way you need something beyond just your opinion.) to support your arguments.

As it is, people that already agree with you are going to eat this stuff up. People that don't agree with you won't give it a chance, because it's highly biased.

mammamaia · 07-24-2006, 06:46 PM

to begin with, this is not a 'short story' but, as you even titled it, 'non-fiction'... so, i'm puzzled as to why you didn't put it in the non-fiction section... or, in the 'debate' section or the lounge, if you wanted your pov to be discussed and/or debated...

i'm sorry to see this had become such a battle, dane... some folks just can't keep their cool, it seems... i'm afraid i have to agree that your writing does need a lot of work, but i'll be happy to help you with this piece privately, if you want... because i happen to agree with your premise and write such stuff myself, as well as because that's what i do full time [help folks improve their writing]...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

mammamaia · 07-24-2006, 06:48 PM

mwd's comments were posted while i was composing mine... fyi, they're excellent, and about what i would have suggested... m

cacafire · 07-24-2006, 10:23 PM

Point taken, Saint Dane. I should have seen through my blashemous anger. I'll try to stay more on topic, and more calm. Also kudos to lonewolf for setting me straight.

As for the writing, maybe it would be better if it was longer? That might give you more time to develop your paragraphs a little more. Granted, non-fiction's not my best suit, but I've done plenty of it to know what I'm talking about. You need a thesis-statement.

My apologies,
-Cacafire

Fantasy of You · 07-25-2006, 04:49 AM

Lol. Now all give Fantasy a hug