Atom

So i hear everyone wants to read another masterpeice...

The Nuthouse


Inside the asylum, James Walker was on the third hour of the night shift. He was sitting quietly at the medical desk when he noticed a loud and resounding buzz. It had been going on for quite a while now. He reluctantly got up from his chair. The sound was a routine alarm and went off daily, but not once had there been anything to report. But still, it couldn’t be ignored.


James walked to section V3 of the hospital. This was a place in which dangerous criminals slept, locked up and restrained by shackles.They were never allowed out of their rooms without an employee. Already the sound of tired screams and laughter could be heard. He hated those sounds.


“They keep me up at night,” he growled. James paused in his place, he did not know why he had said that. He couldn’t be angered at people who slept in dirty, lonely cells. He shook his head and turned the corner, not wanting to believe his eyes.


One of the doors was open. The heavy iron door stood agape and all James could see was the darkness inside. “ How could someone escape?” he said to himself. He looked around. A patient had his head through the bars of another cell, staring at James.


“James…leave!”


James stared at the patient with his mouth opened. The alarm was starting to hurt his ears. What do I do? What do I do? James wondered, growing anxious.

James hurried back to the front desk, his feet making loud “thuds” against the tile floor. He screamed. A dead body of a hospital worker lay on the floor. Her face was covered in thick crimson blood and was now unrecognizable. What is she doing here? This is my shift! She should have left!, he thought to himself. And who killed her!


The alarm was still ringing; it was starting to make him dizzy. He bowed his head and clasped his hands over his ears. He was frightened and confused. Then he noticed his hands were bloody. He looked down at his outfit to see he was wearing a hospital gown. James started to breath heavily. Something is wrong…


He looked up as two big security officers ran full speed at him from across the room. James tried to run but the shackles on his feet didn’t allow him to.

James was tackled and brought down to the floor ferociously. The security guard took a syringe out of his pocket: A sedative.

“No! This is all a mistake!” James screamed. He tried squirming out of the burly guards grasp, but he was locked in.
He was grasped and carried to his cell. The guards threw him onto the floor. He was fatigued from the drug and he tried to yell. All that came out was a faint whisper:

“You’ve made a mistake.”

He tried to maintain consciousness. He managed to turn his head to his hands. His bloody, murdering hands. He groaned and passed out.




Any feedback is appreciated.

__________________
I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.

cellardoor

interesting concept

your writing style is pretty good
didn't notice any big grammar mistakes

nice work

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If I make it as a writer, I'll write for the hobo, not the professor.

Crazy_dude6662

i liked it, i didnt notice any spelling mistakes, or grammer. interesting twist.

CD

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Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!

mwd

Hey Atom,

Pretty good. Creepy, although I think you could make it creepier if you developed the plot a little more slowly. It would let you slowly build up the tension. As it is 500 words isn't a lot to work with. Don't get me wrong, this is pretty good considering the level of detail you were aiming for, it just seems like a story idea that would be more suited for a longer piece.

"allow him too" = "allow him to"

up at night.” he growled << should have a comma instead of period.

That's all I noticed in terms of grammar/spelling though. I enjoyed reading it.

LoneWolf

Very nice story. The twist was great, the concept was pretty awesome.

This could be separated into smaller sentences. Right now it just doesn't sound right to my ear. Maybe..."James walked to section V3 of the hospital. This was a place in which dangerous criminals slept, locked up shackles. They were never allowed out of their rooms without escorts." Something like that. It kind of slows the tempo of the story down, creates a more vivid picture.

I hope this helps kind of. I really like your writing style, it's very clean and nice. Great story, thanks for the read!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Saint Dane

Wha? This is a tiny bit confusing, Why would the guy at the medical desk have on shackles. It seems like he's an employee working there. I don't know about your insane asylum, But at are's the employee's aren't shackled. And if he was how could he walk over to check the prisoners? I really don't get this story.

This sentence seems very awkward.

Quote:

James walked to section V3 of the hospital, the place where the dangerous criminals slept locked up in shackles and weren’t allowed out of their room.

That sounds really weird to me.

The whole story is confusing.

Points-
Understandability-20/50
Grammer/Spelling-28/30
My Rating-14/20

Rating- 62/100

cacafire

Saint Dane, the guy is hallucinatory, and that's how he thought he was a guard/employeestaffperson. Basically, he got out of his cell, killed the hospital person, and began to think he was the hospital person. Like I said, hallucinatory. I swear, haven't you seen The Twilight Zone?!

It was a good story, unfortunately, it should have been longer, and should have contained a sub-plot. That would have made it many more times interesting. Especially because the pace is much too hurried. I didn't like that(?!)

Also, I think it would be better if you gave us some backstory to the patient, so that by the time we get to the twist, we know why he's in the hospital in the first place. That would work, but only if we understand by the time we get to the twist. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it. ^.^

-Cacafire

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Atom

Thanks for the feedback. Creating a subplot is an excellent idea for this story. While doing that I'll also be able to give more information about the main character.

I edited the grammar mistakes and also the sentence some of you thought was awkward.

__________________
I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.

Fantasy of You

NITPICK. If the buzz, which I don't think should be "", had been going on for a while, why do you take my out of his perspective to tell me it had been going on for a while? Telling me he just noticed it is all I need to know.


OK, I think this should be change to make the first 2 sentences one. 'It was a routine alarm and went off every night, but not once HAD THERE BEEN anything to report. Still, it couldn't been ignored' The changed I made just wrote themself as I read what you had wrote- it seemed to read better. Also, if you say it couldn't be ignored, maybe you should say it was because he wanted to keep his job, or because he was dedicated to the job. I think the former.

OK, the second sentence doesn't really work for me. This was where the criminals were kept, locked up and restrained'. I don't think shackled works here either.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't pull the whole thing to bits, I don't have time today (damn the lack of time travel), so I hope what I have said helps, and you can apply it to the rest of the piece, because I didn't.

Hope I helped.

Fantasy

The piece didn't entertain me as much as your others. Maybe you wrote this because you felt it was time to post something new? I don't know lol, I lost my mind reading stuff.. I just don't think you felt the same about this piece

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Atom

Thanks for the feedback Fantasy. I changed the sentence that everyone seems to dislike and the one about the alarm.

True i had rushed this one because i havent written a story in a while but i thought it was complete and i posted it.

__________________
I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.

Crepuscular

This was a really neat concept/story. I agree that the story deserves expansion. The twist is excellent. More build-up would help the twist even more. Good job!

WiCkEd

Overall I liked it. I thought some of the dialouge was a bit unrealistic or maybe it's just me. Good though.

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Due Sacrifice

Hakeem

Hello Atom. Here are a very few comments:

No need for the second sentence: He growled. He paused in his place, not knowing why he just said that. Always keep dialogue/quote tag simple.

No comma

She should have left. And no comma also.

The alarm was sill ringing; it was starting...

There is no one single comma. Place some..

took a syringe out of his pocket: A sedative.

Same.. No commas. You have a chain of evens there, you can't always place a period in consecutive events.

I noticed that when you use a quotation mark (") you always space after it. That is incorrect. Eg: I said: "Go to hell" NOT I said " Go to hell".

This is most certainly written better than Baby Genius. But it is almost hollowed if you know what I mean. In my opinion, the idea isn't that bright and gripping; it is very much repeated. Though the writing style is good and the piece is well-structured.

Good job.

__________________
"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

Fantasy of You

Hey, I hadn't noticed the commas after the !+?, good catch Hakeem. I must disagree with his readiness for using commas. Usually, short sentences written as they are here would sound chunky and disrupt the flow, but I think it adds pace, which is what you were trying to do, I think. ';' is always subjective. It's up to you if you change it or not.

Like I seem to always say, read the piece aloud, especially the dialogue

Fantasy

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It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

Atom

Thank you for the feedback Hakeem. Yes, like fantasy said, i neglected commas to slow the pace of the story down.

I edited the story for the things you said Hakeem, and I also deleted the last two sentences of the story.

__________________
I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.