pagemaster42391

I like this a rather lot [creepiness just attracts me for some reason] but also think that it could be better if it was a bit longer. If the plot built more slowly, the details drawn out, more strange events taking place - still keep it a short story, mind you - then it would be even creepier, and that would just be lovely.

Still, as it is it was a good read, no big grammar or spelling mistakes that jumped out at me [which is always a relief] so, overall, good work and keep writing.

-pagemaster

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Dr. Greg House = ultimate snark machine

bobothegoat

I also liked this story. It was executed really well. There was really only a few things I'm going to complain about.

Rather than point out what could be added, I'm mostly going to point out what isn't needed, and by extension should be removed.

If something is daily, that makes it routine by definition. "The alarm went of daily..." would suffice.

You said the door is open twice. "One of the doors was open and all James saw inside was darkness." Personally, I actually prefer "One of the doors was open and the cell was empty," or something like that. Less poetic, perhaps, but seems to have more clarity to me.

The detail of his feet making "thuds" felt extraneous. I think you can safely drop that.

This is the only place I think you should add something to. It's currently unclear if he made it back to the desk or if he's still in the hallway.

Egads! I hope it's crimson blood. I'm not even sure what it would mean to this story if the blood was, say, viridian.

In other words, the color of blood is obvious. We know it's usually "crimson," so you don't need to tell us.

Wait... were those shackles always there? How did he hurry back to his desk if they were? And how did they get there now if they weren't?

...

And that's it. Again, this story was a good read. It had good pacing, and nice creepy plot (and character, though he seemed nice enough at first). Just my opinions, of course. Take and leave whatever you want.

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Bobo the Goat

aliceedelweiss

Very strange, changes quickly. I like the idea, but it doesn't do much for me... I don't think I like stories like this. Not to say it was bad It's just not my thing. Now, to the editing.

I do not think you need the comma after 'left' unless you had things in quotations. I actually suggest you to put these in quotations. Make it like this: "What is she doing here? This is my shift! She should have left!," he thought to himself [put a comma here, too] "And who killed her?" should be a question mark at the end, we'll know he's screaming it to himself, its murder, who wouldn't be screaming?

you used 'he' a lot in some places. For example:

I know its a picky thing, but it makes reading flow better.

The repetition of 'grasp' so quickly also stands out strongly, keeps it from flowing.

Thats all I saw. It was good Certainly a neat twist. I think you could have put more terror into it, with style or wording, But its good as is too.

Alice

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dwellerofthedeep

My comments are in red.

Inside the asylum, James Walker was on the third hour of the night shift. He was sitting quietly at the medical desk when he noticed a loud and resounding buzz. (This first part seems like passive voice to me, consider making it more active) It had been going on for quite a while now. He reluctantly got up from his chair. The sound was a routine alarm and went off daily, but not once had there been anything to report. But (This 'but' seems to be unnecessary) still, it couldn’t be ignored.


James walked to section V3 of the hospital. This was a place in which dangerous criminals slept, locked up and restrained by shackles.They were never allowed out of their rooms without an employee. Already the sound of tired screams and laughter could be heard. He hated those sounds.


“They keep me up at night,” he growled. James paused in his place, he did not (Perhaps you should contract these two) know why he had said that. He couldn’t be angered at people who slept in dirty, lonely cells. He shook his head and turned the corner, not wanting to believe his eyes.


One of the doors was open. The heavy iron door stood agape and all James could see was the (Scratch this to speed things up) darkness inside. “ How could someone escape?” he said to himself. He looked around. A patient had his head through the bars of another cell, staring at James.


“James…leave!”


James stared at the patient with his mouth opened. The alarm was starting to hurt his ears. What do I do? What do I do? James wondered, growing anxious.

James hurried back to the front desk, his feet making loud “thuds” against the tile floor. He screamed. A ('The' probably would be better here) dead body of a hospital worker lay on the floor. Her face was covered in thick crimson blood and was now unrecognizable. What is she doing here? This is my shift! She should have left!, he thought to himself (Seems a little weak and slow, maybe remove these words). And who killed her!


The alarm was still ringing; it was starting to make him dizzy. He bowed his head and clasped his hands over his ears. He was frightened and confused. Then he noticed his hands were bloody. He looked down at his outfit to see he was wearing a hospital gown. James started to breath heavily. Something is (Contraction) wrong…


He looked up as two big security officers ran full speed at him from across the room. James tried to run but the shackles on his feet didn’t allow him to (Maybe replace with: stopped him).

James was tackled and brought down to the floor ferociously. The security guard took a syringe out of his pocket: A sedative.

“No! This is all a mistake!” James screamed. He tried squirming out of the burly guards grasp, but he was locked in.
He was grasped (Replace this one, I'm not sure what with but this doesn't work) and carried to his cell. The guards threw him onto (Cut the 'on', makes in faster) the floor. He was fatigued from the drug and he tried to yell. All that came out was a faint whisper:

“You’ve made a mistake.”

He tried to maintain consciousness. He managed to turn his head to his hands. His bloody, murdering hands. He groaned and passed out.

The ending was scary but I had a hard time with the flow of the writing in this.

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zeeby

I really enojyed this piece. That plot never gets old, does it?

Good structure, good usage definitly worth the time to read

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ehoeveler

I'll go along with MWD and say that while I was grabbed instantly by
the events (a good thing), your plot should develop a little more slowly. ehoeveler

Sigg

I don't know about masterpiece but I definately enjoyed reading it. You did a great job in giving the reader enough clues to figure out what is really going on, without spoon feeding your intent. I like narrative voices that are limited to the knowledge of the main character, it keeps things suspenseful as we get to figure things out as they unfold. Nice job.


Wow, I just realized how old the original posted story was.

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