Waiting - Writers Forum

DylanFan · 07-23-2006, 10:56 AM

Sorry about the way the spacing isnt working that paragraphs arnt splitting like id like them to. Its not too long so i think youll be able to figure it out. This is just somthing i wrote for school last year. It was a very minor project and i just had fun with it. Its more or the beginign or a story but id love to get a little feed back. Got and A+

haha. Thanks for any comments

The hours before sunrise were growing short, as was his patience. He had been waiting outside the abandoned house for over four hours without any sign of life. Silence. If he didn’t know better he’d of thought the neighborhood was normal; whatever that may be. As the minutes ticked by the man clad in blue jeans and a leather jacket began to feel the nipping of addiction. Thinking it was still dark enough to fuel his fix he pulled out a ripped pack of cigarettes and an old matchbook. His matchbook was well worn and would make striking a light quite a challenge. Like the cowboys in the old spaghetti western movies, he stuck the match on his newly bearded cheek. After so many days of following, he had neglected his personal hygiene somewhat. Another hour passed and the man emptied his cigarette pack; hungry he began to lose hope.
In the hypnotic state that boredom brings; the man began to empty his pockets. In his feudal attempt to amuse himself whilst waiting for the people inside the house, he found very little. An empty book of matches, some pocket lint, one less quarter than he had had an hour ago and a small hole. The hole wasn’t much to ponder on but it was large enough to pass his middle and forefingers through simultaneously, surely large enough for the rogue quarter. In his back pocket was his wallet. He pulled out the old black leather wallet his father had given him when he was seventeen, a year before he was murdered. Inside this cow-skin memento was his drivers license; the picture was one of the few he actually liked of himself. His long dark brown hair and deep brown eyes looked particularly good. His girlfriend liked to tease him about the shine in his eye from the camera’s flash. “It makes you look like a movie star,” she said, “Like a God damned movie star making all kinds of crazy money.” Her comments always made him laugh. Thinking of her made him feel anxious, but he still smirked at the thought of her ironic words. “Heh, me a movie star making all kinds of money. I wish.”
Still in the state of introspective, he had almost forgotten why he was there waiting. With the return of reality came the fear of what could be coming soon. Around the corner tires screeched and bullets flew; another drive by shooting in a dangerous neighborhood. The sounds of the inaccurate lead and squealing tires discarded any attempts to return to the place of bliss in his memories.
Inside the house came the unmistakable sound of white-hot fury. He heard two men shouting at one another with tones as harsh as a Russian winter. A minute later, with his hand clutched around a colt .45 he moved closer to the front door feeling cold.

Fantasy of You · 07-23-2006, 12:26 PM

It was good, but it didn't entertain me. The first few sentences bored me to death (which is why you should always carry a bringer-backer-to-lifer in you rpocket

). Maybe you could reorganise the piece so that events are change. Maybe this is a preference, but I'd rather no why his patience is running out before you teell me it is..

The atmosphere was built quite nicely, although the ending was expected 'oh I'll just end it here so I don't have to do any reall work with the piece' and left me feeling dissatisfied

Fantasy

DylanFan · 07-23-2006, 01:37 PM

thanks for reading it. I know it kinda end abruptly it was due

i just happend to come across it today so i thought id post it. Thanks again

Atom · 07-23-2006, 02:14 PM

Kind of boring, still written nicely.

DylanFan · 07-23-2006, 04:06 PM

thanks for the look

Hakeem · 07-29-2006, 05:03 PM

Oh nice, very nice. Unlike some I found it very amusing.

Here are my comments:

Quote:

Originally Posted by DylanFan

(1) As the minutes ticked by the man clad in blue jeans and a leather jacket began to feel the nipping of addiction. (2) Thinking it was still dark enough to fuel his fix he pulled out a ripped pack of cigarettes and an old matchbook.

Two run-on sentences. Place a comma.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DylanFan

His matchbook was well worn and would make striking a light quite a challenge.

I actually had to read this sentence a couple of times before I understood it. You can re-word: His match box was well worn where striking a light was quite a challenge now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DylanFan

After so many days of following, he had neglected his personal hygiene somewhat.

The 'somewhat' does not belong here. Or: After so many days of following, he somewhat neglected his personal hygiene.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DylanFan

Another hour passed and the man emptied his cigarette pack; hungry he began to lose hope.

The cigarette pack was empty as another four hours passed. Hungry, he began to lose hope as well.

Nicely written. As you said, this piece is not paragraphed and would look more appealing if you paragraph it. Usually English teachers look for apparent grammatical mistakes, such as 'he were' and 'I has driving'. They simply overlook, or neglect writing mistakes and so.

Still, it is not bad and I liked it, although doesn't flaw that easily. Read it again to view minor mistakes and make some changes.

All in all, good job.

DylanFan · 07-29-2006, 06:04 PM

thanks alot for that review! I know there are probably alot of minor mistakes. Thanks for the things you pointed out.

Hakeem · 07-29-2006, 06:09 PM

Anytime Dylan.