Infinity - Writers Forum

DeathofaDevil · 07-20-2006, 02:51 PM

"Things used to be so simple for us.

Men would go to work, women would stay at home, kids would play their games, and later...we'd all go to bed.

Christmas would come, no sign of Santa, and Thanksgiving..would bring us a Turkey.

We all lived our normal lives of happiness, sadness, anger, lust, and sometimes even insanity.

But then..something happened.

One day...

When the sky went black, and the stars turned a bright blue color...

I....

....."

"Damnit!"

Shouted a man who wore a black longsleeved shirt, baggy black jeans, black shoes (man! everything was black!) and a dark expression on his face.

"Son of a BITCH! They call me a good writer? That's Bullshit! I SUCK! Look at this pile of crap. It all sounds cliche, it lacks a great deal of proper punctuation, and uh....well it just sucks. Damn!

He slammed his journal on the desk.

"Fuck this..I'm taking a break."

He sat down on the couch.

That was where he normally sat whenever he was angry about something.

It was also where he slept.

He always refused the bed that would bring him insect bites in the morning, despite his wife's constant scolding of how the couch was meant to sit on and not sleep on.

"..."

He sighed.

"Leon?"

"..Yes?" The man turned his head.

"I heard you yelling about something, what's going on in there?"

The door creaked open and a thin, beautiful woman about 5'4 feet in height stepped into what was now the man's only shield from the world.

She wore a pair of bright blue Abercrombie jeans, clean white socks, a red collared shirt, some black VANS slip on's, and her bright red hair was tied back into what could have been a pony tail, had it been longer.

"Shelley...look...I just feel as if every time I start something, it never works out quite the way I want it to. I try and try, I take breaks sometimes for even months at a time and STILL nothing seems to work."

She half frowned.

"Nothing might ever work. All it is is false hope. I might as well train the dog to walk on two legs." said Leon.

"Hun..we don't have a dog." reminded Shelley.

"..Oh...right." replied Leon, feeling stupid about the incident.

His dog Foxhound had ran away the past month after having been scared to death by the next door neighbor's cat, Lucian.

"Leon..do you need a rest?"

"Are you willing to nap with me?"

"Not on the couch.."

"..Fine..let's go."

(To be continued)

myownbeautifuldisaster · 07-20-2006, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Shouted a man who wore a black longsleeved shirt, baggy black jeans, black shoes (man! everything was black!) [is this really necessary? i'm sure the reader would gather by themselves that everything was black, and it doesn't appear to add much to the story] and a dark expression on his face.

"Son of a BITCH! They call me a good writer? That's Bullshit! I SUCK! Look at this pile of crap. It all sounds cliche, it lacks a great deal of proper punctuation, and uh....well it just sucks. Damn. I'll never be able to publish a story this way..[it seems like you pushed that phrase too hard, it sounds too fake. i don't think he would really say that, he would probably think it.]..UGH!"

...

She wore a pair of bright blue Abercrombie jeans, clean white socks, a red collared shirt, some black VANS slip on's, and her bright red hair was tied back into what could have been a pony tail, had it of been longer.[would simplify it, and allow it to flow better if you omitted the "of"]

just my opinion

hope to see the rest

Glfralin · 07-20-2006, 07:25 PM

Quote:

"Things used to be so simple for us.

Men would go to work, women would stay at home, kids would play their games, and later...we'd all go to bed.

Christmas would come, no sign of Santa, and Thanksgiving..would bring us a Turkey.

We all lived our normal lives of happiness, sadness, anger, lust, and insanity.

But then..something happened.

One day...

When the sky went black, and the stars turned a bright blue color...

I....

Is this starting in the middle of another part of the story. I can't quite

Glfralin · 07-20-2006, 07:29 PM

Sorry about that. Hit the Enter key.

As I started to say about the section in quotes in my last reply, for some reason, it just rings of something that would start so many other stories. Is this a part of the writer's journal referred to later?

I would try to take parts of this and reevaluate where you want to go and draw it together. I just speaking as a reader and what I see so far. You may very well have plans for this that will draw it together some how.

Itsaboysname · 07-21-2006, 02:09 PM

Now I might be wrong on this, but I think that damn it is two words, and dammit is one.

A few other things: It seemed odd that you go into detail about the characters' clothing, and nothing else. Like distinguishing physical features, or the room they're in. I dunno, seemed odd to me.

And then the little bit about the dog felt choppy and out of the flow of the story. Personally, I'd change it to just "Train a dog to walk on two legs" and have that be the end of it. But if the dog's gonna be important later then try and find a better way to weave that piece of information in there. (Although being scared away by a cat is kinda funny)

And like Glfralin said, drawing together the story with the beginning part.

But all in all, good job. I like stories like this, about writing and such things, and I'm curious to know the meaning of the title.

Keep going.

DeathofaDevil · 07-23-2006, 01:17 PM

Sorry to dissapoint..but this story has been discontinued.

I've taken the good stuff out of it..and im making another story out of it with the same title.

Thanks. : O