Loki

I remember how you used to hold my hands while we sat atop the boulder. A stream ran beneath us and we would listen with our eyes closed. You would tell me of how our minds would stretch and stretch until they were spread so thin, they would be gone. I would just listen to your voice and smell you in the summer air.

I made silent promises and planned our lives together; before I knew what marriage entitled, I married you in my mind. Before we had grown of age, everything had been torn down.

Joel at the gas station warned me not to get involved with you. He told me that once things are seen, they can’t ever be unseen. He said, “Once you get to seein’, ain’t no goin’ blind.” He told me that if I wasn’t ready to see, I shouldn’t visit with you anymore. I think Joel was right and I still don’t think I was ready to see.

I rode my bike down the shoulder of the highway that day. It was freshly paved and the smell of the new asphalt burned my nose. Eventually I veered off the road, to the little spot behind the trees where we always met, where the stream runs through.

My bike got tangled in the weeds and the saplings and sent me tumbling over the handlebars. I cursed the ground and remembered what you said, how every bad incident is a lesson in disguise. I learned that day that if you don’t watch the ground with open eyes, it jumps up and grabs you.

I sat on the boulder for awhile and tried to stretch myself over everything, but I couldn’t concentrate. I felt like part of my brain was missing, so I stood up and began to walk around. After listening to the stream for so long, I had to go to the bathroom. I had waited for you so long, but you never came.

I stepped behind some trees and before I could unzip, I spotted your dirty white dress in a bed of ivy. I paused for a moment and then slowly crept toward you, thumbing the branches out of my face as I went. The sound of the stream dropped away.

I don’t know how long I stood over you. You were laid down so strangely; no matter how hard I try now, I can’t get my legs to be the way yours were. You stained your beautiful white dress. It had always had those grass stains and those dirt marks, but you got blood all over it. The dandelions that always seemed so yellow seemed faded too. You really do need to bleach that blood out of the dress if you can; the kids would all laugh at you if they saw. They’d say you had been pissinblood, as Pa says.

I really wish you would come back; school is awfully boring without you. I miss going to the boulder with you.

At least come back and take me to the farm too.

__________________
"You don't die enough to cry." - Kerouac

mwd

I really liked this. It reads very smoothly. You use a lot of short and simple words to great effect, which gives your narrator a believable youthful voice.

I wasn't quite sure how she died. Did she fall off the boulder? That's what seemed to be implied by some of the foreshadowing (like the ground jumping up and grabbing you part). Maybe you meant for this to be unknown, though.

The significance of the last line puzzles me: "At least come back and take me to the farm too." What farm? I wasn't sure if this was a reference to buying the farm, as in he heard some adults talking about her death and didn't understand what they were saying. Or am I off base here?

Anyways, despite the couple things that puzzled me, this story carried a lot of emotional weight for something so short. Thanks for the read.

Hakeem

Ahh I'm sorry but I couldn't resist, I think it would sound better if was re-worded this way:

I made silent promises and planned our lives together. Before I knew what marriage entitles, I married you in my mind, and before we had grown of age, everything had been torn down.

Wonderful... My favorite sentence and also fits in here... excellent.

I like it very much, it is very well written and flows easily. Grabs the reader at the beginning and you just want to continue till the end. But what about the ending? You can re-word it to give some meaning...

All in all, excellent.

__________________
"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

RachelA

Loki, this was beautifully written. I like that you haven't told the reader how the girl died as it leaves it to the imagination. It's very poignant that she is still waiting for her friend to come back to school and doesn't understand the concept of death and the innocence in her childish voice. I agree with MWD, though, that the last sentence kinda throws the reader a bit, it's just comes out of nowhere. I think if you cut that sentence out, the rest of the piece stands very well as is. One suggestion, maybe you could add a "Dear so-and-so" and a salutation at the end, might place the piece a bit better, imho. Very nicely done!

Crazy_dude6662

i liked this alot, but the ending kinda confused me. i wasnt sure what exactly happened...but then i assumed that she was dead, although i have one problem...

what farm?
not once was there a mention of a farm...
is it where the girl lived?

__________________
Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!

LoneWolf

I loved this as well. It was very poetic, beautifully written. I liked how it all flowed together and it had that essence and voice of the very innocent and young. I like the ending, it makes me think. The part about the farm confuses me somewhat too, however. But I like to think that maybe that's his idea of heaven...or maybe he just thought that she moved away to live on the farm when she was buried there. I don't know, forgive me if I'm way off ...it was very good though. Thanks for the read.

LW

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

aliceedelweiss

very subtle and beautiful. I'm confused though, did she start her period? I'm really confused with what the blood was meaning. But either way I really liked it, it has the feel of coming-of-age but not so teenish. I'm not sure what else to say....No edits, as far as I go. bravo.

Alice

__________________

Glfralin

I think your letter speaks volumes without throwing in the readers face. It's very lovely, and as many have said, has a feel of youthful innocence to it. I'm not really that thrown by how she died as one mentioned. After all, a young person coming upon the dead body of a friend- would be girlfriend- would not have any real knowledge of that. I think you have a wonderful piece here. There is a mystery about it, but the last part about the farm could use a few words of explanation in the context.

I wouldn't add the greeting and salutation at all, the title tells us its a letter, and the lack of a name keeps the mystery. Well done.

__________________
Simplicity is such a beautiful thing. Take a look at the simple things around you.

I will try to respond in kind.

http://wordsprings.blogspot.com/

Ty_lol

Loki,
This is the best piece of work I've read all week. Good job! I think I would have to agree with Hakeem. You have all this explanations and spilling out your guts over such sincerity. I would work on the ending and give it a little more of a punch line. Yes, say something that will make everyone cry. I know you can!
Ty

__________________
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly - Voltaire

Glfralin

I see what Hakeem and Ty lol, are talking about. Whatever you do, don't lose the feel that the reader is being let in on a private letter. There are some things we must understand that the person written to would know what the author is speaking of. Even if the letter is written to a dead friend as a farewell.

__________________
Simplicity is such a beautiful thing. Take a look at the simple things around you.

I will try to respond in kind.

http://wordsprings.blogspot.com/